Mourning as another American nobody dies
The USA, which once produced many of the most famous people in the world - well, movie stars and golfers - today was in mourning as yet another American nobody died. Britney Whoshe, famous in a small village in Nebraska for once shaking hands with...Read full story
Japanese Man Marries Video Game Character
"She has enough sex gadgets and toys to keep me always faithful to her", stated Ju Yakomoti, an admitted computer game geek. "I am often weak in the knees." Mr. Ju Yakomoti has married a character in a popular video game, taking her -- and his ha...Read full story
Kirstie Alley To Play Java The Hut In Musical: Jumpin' Java Jazz!
Kirstie Alley appeared all over the Good Morning America program this morning to talk about her role in the new musical, Jumpin' Java Jazz! "I apologize for the fat suit", stated Kirstie, while munching on a long john from a box. "But they want me...Read full story
Madonna Offers To Adopt All Of Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt's Children
PIMLICO, England - Madonna was in Pimlico visiting an old high school friend who manages Lady MacBetty's Pole Dancing Lounge, Pub, and Crumpet Shoppe. Naomi Bickerlow, said that she had not seen Madonna since they had graduated from Chief Rain-in-...Read full story
Palestinian Shepherd Says 'Flock 'Em!'
As Christmas approaches, and Christians on every continent on the planet prepare to celebrate the birth of Our Lord, Jesus Christ, even as others plot subterfuge, and try to blow us all up, one man was baffled. Shami Leather, a Palestinian shepher...Read full story
Lindsay Lohan Gets Restraining Order For Stalker
"He's nuts, that the best description I can give you", Lindsay Lohan allegedly told the police officer on duty in Los Angeles last week and has since taken out a restraining order on one James Robert Stuart. Who is James Robert Stuart? He's an ou...Read full story
Coast Guard Looses Track of Wood's Yacht 'Privacy" as It Enters Bermuda Triangle In Desparate Attempt to Escape Divorce Lawyer!
The United States Coast Guard station located in Key West, professed bafflement today after they lost track of Tiger Woods' 155' private yacht as it fled media attention in Miami and headed toward the Bahamas, and directly into the Bermuda Triangle.Read full story
Santa's Top 10 Christmas List
Normally too busy to pay attention to himself, what with all the lists to check twice, the elves to watch over, the reindeer to feed and Mrs. Claus to keep happy, nobody ever asks Santa what he wants for Christmas. That was until now. With an appointment on the books scheduled eight months in advance with the fat man himself, our northern hemisphere reporter S. Noble Chanzinell, met with Mr.Read full story
US government agency denounces GETSAPO plan as 'ridiculous'
The US Bureau of Animals, Nature, Kephalopods, Rotifers, Ubiquitates, Pachyderms and Thermophiles (BANKRUPT) has condemned plans by the Generous Environmentalists Totally Saving All Polar Organisms (GETSAPO) to evacuate polar bears to Antarctica as '...Read full story
Brad's Christmas Shocker: I Can't Stand to see Angelina NAKED anymore!
In a shocking revelation guaranteed to give Jen goosebumps, Hollywood's leading man Brad Pitt tells his chums Angelina just doesn't do it for him anymore! According to sources who were with Brad at a private party to raise funds for disgraced golf...Read full story
Weightlifter's Arse Explodes
It's happened before, now it's happened again. At the Russian Open Weightlifting Championships in Moscow, Ukrainian lifter Vaseline Rocksov took to the stage to attempt a personal best lift of 351 kgs. All went well as Rocksov squared up to the...Read full story
Al Gore steps between GETSAPO and NAZI
With trouble brewing between the Generous Environmentalists Totally Saving All Polar Organisms (GETSAPO) and the National Australian Zoological Institute (NAZI) over a polar bear evacuation project, Al Gore has stepped in with a compromise. 'Even...Read full story
NAZI opposes GETSAPO bear 'relocation' project
Australian environmentalists have announced 'complete opposition, complete resistance' to plans by the Generous Environmentalists Totally Saving All Polar Organisms (GETSAPO) to evacuate all polar bears on the northern polar icecap to Antarctica.Read full story
GETSAPO evacuating 'climate refugee' bears
With climate guru Al Gore's announcement at the Copenhagen Climate Summit that there would be no Arctic ice within five years, a group of hardy environmentalists put together a crash program to save the polar bears. The Generous Environmentalists...Read full story
God Works in Mysterious Ways
Sometimes he gets up at 4 o' clock in the morning and pops out to create a star or a cat, or sometimes he forgoes any form of clothing on the lower part of his anatomy and wears a fig leaf instead, and all agree that God does indeed work in mysteriou...Read full story
'Clueless' husband Simon Monjack hires Howard K Stern lawyers
Los Angeles - (Conjack?): "All we need now is some sorta Virgie Arthur gargoyle to come crawling outta the woodwork!" The warning, by legal sources close to Brittany Murphy's widower Simon Monjack, may be a sign of how spookily similar the actres...Read full story
Brittany Murphy Pulls Out Of Panto Due To Death
Brittany Murphy, star of the movie 'Clueless' and sexy vamp in 'Sin City' has pulled out of a contractual obligation to act in the pantomime 'Cinderella' at Burnley Mechanics because she dropped dead yesterday. (OH NO SHE DIDN'T! - OH YES SHE DID!...Read full story
"Where's the Christmas Spirit?" Retailers Bemoan Decline in Shopping Related Deaths.
Cautious retail executives sounded a note of warning on late Christmas Season sales despite early indicators of a slight increase in consumer spending over last year. According to these industry leaders, there is "a certain lack of enthusiasm from c...Read full story
'Mark Hughes was a hopeless manager' shock horror claim by millions of football fans
Despite former Manchester City manager Mark Hughes's friends and former fellow Manchester United colleagues appearing on television endlessly to say how terrible it was to see him sacked this week, millions of football fans were surprised Hughes hadn...Read full story
Rage Against The Machine Rages Past Joe McElderry to Capture #1
LONDON - The band Rage Against The Machine outsold X-Factor winner Joe McElderry by 500,000 to 450,000 copies to capture Britain's number one Christmas song title. Simon Cowell, one of the owners of X-Factor was reportedly livid and threatened to...Read full story
Rooftop Solar Panels Opposed by Frisbeetarianists
Portland, Oregon- At the fiftieth annual Cir-Conference of Frisbeetarism the members of this obscure religion were in fierce debate on green energy. Coming on the heels of the Copenhagen Conference, these religious people had a quite different view...Read full story
Man With The World's Smallest Penis Declares War On Media
Penis Minus Wilson (not his real name) says that he has had enough with the jokes and everything else, after the lady on the weather last night embarrassed him to death. "She was pointing to the chart and she came right out and said that Halletta...Read full story
Local OAP In Bus Pass Row With Bus Driver
When local pensioner Mollie McGarriggle realised she'd forgotten her bus pass as she embarked on a shopping trip to buy food for her 327 cats, toting her 'bag for life' to carry the cat food back in, so as not to upset the environment, she didn't thi...Read full story
Strictly Come Dancing's Ricky Whittle Demands To See The Voting Results
LONDON - Ricky Whittle is not a happy camper as they say in Yellow Stone National Park. He feels that he and his partner Natalie Lowe danced much better than the winners Chris Hollins and Ola Jordan. The second place finisher in this year's Strict...Read full story
Vanessa Hudgens, Zac Efron Caught In Shopping Sting
It was bound to happen sooner or later but the time came this past weekend when a fake store was set up by the paparazzi to draw in famous people so they can take all the pictures they like and sell them to every news magazine and glamour site on the...Read full story
Mark Hughes sacked by rich Arabs claiming, "there is only one Nr1 and that's certainly not you!"
"Another one bites the dust" and after 200 million quids worth of investment, on the up and up, semi-final of the Carling cup, numero 6 in the Premiership, it is just not f*****g good enough, imbecile! Mark Hughes has been forced to bow to the mo...Read full story
Tiger Wood's Beer Goggles guarantee a Moose - free Christmas
Tiger Woods, the world famous sex-god announced today, that he had ended the partygoer's nightmare of 'how did the moose get into my bed' with his invention of anti-beer goggles. Hung-over revellers have long been puzzled by the mystery of how the...Read full story
Scientology: "12 Days of Xenu-mas"
With Advent here, why shouldn't the Church of Scientology have its own Christmas…I mean…Xenu-mas song? Especially after all their troubles this year: "On the Twelfth Day of Xenu-mas, my Xenu sent to me (by way of inter-galactic FedExChurchMember)… 12. (French) Drummers Drumming (us out of France for committing fraud). 11. (Australian) Pipers Piping (up that we kidnap and brainwash folks i...Read full story
Harrods shares rocket after Fulham stuffed Man Utd!
Harrods & Fulham owner Mohammed Al Fayed is in for a bumper Christmas after his team stuffed Man United last Saturday. Chelsea players, so grateful to Al Fayed, decided to spend their multi-million christmas bonuses on Harrods shares, causing...Read full story
Eurostar CFO Stuck In Wife's 'Tunnel'
A senior executive of Eurostar was yesterday rushed to hospital with his wife following a freak accident at home. Roger McHunt, the Chief Financial Officer of Eurostar had been making love to his wife Valerie in the early hours when he experienced...Read full story
Joe McElderry Turns To Rappers N.W.A. For Direction
What a complete bastard of a result' - those were the words of X Factor winner Joe 'Jorrr' McElderry on hearing that his winning song DID NOT make it to Christmas number One. McElderry's song, 'The Climb' as an emotional song about a window cleane...Read full story
Canadian Curling Champion Bowls Perfect 300
Normally known as team captain for the Canadian National Curling Team, and last year's winner of the Labatt Brier, Lenny Hookman scored a perfect 300 game in a regional Ontario Tenpin Federation tournament. Shocking fans and critics alike, Hookman...Read full story
Yes We Can . . . No, We Didn't . . . Catch You Later
President Obama called a meeting of leading progressives today, after the initial passage of the health care legislation. He walked into the meeting in the Oval Office amid very solemn faces and a low hum of discontent. He began, "Yes we can," he...Read full story
Local Man Takes A Tumble
It was supposed to be happy day for local man, Martin Shuttlecock, as he started his well earned Christmas holiday break, only for disaster to strike. As Shuttlecock walked across the forecourt outside his home to get to the family car disaster st...Read full story
Kidnappers leave vital clues
Los Angeles, Monday. In the developing case of the CBS newsreaders kidnapped while reading the nightly news bulletin, Police believe they have a significant clue. One of the kidnappers was caught on CCTV near a McDonald's restaurant not far from...Read full story
Angry American act topping UK charts translated into English
Seventeen years after its single release, Rage Against The Machine's UK chart-topping Christmas novelty record has been translated into the Queen's English. The translation comes courtesy of the Chegwin Institute for Phonographic Operations. A spo...Read full story
Viagra To "Downsize" Tiger Woods Ads
Penis-lifter Viagra tablets say they are going to straighten out their newly planned ads featuring Tiger Woods. "We thought that he would make a good point for us by all the activity reported over the past month and he was available, we heard, aft...Read full story
Tomorrow's British weather forecast
At 8 am much of the UK will begin to get light, and thousands of main roads will need gritting due to ice and snow - but won't get gritted. By 9 am widespread grumpiness will break out among millions of commuters as trains and buses run later and later, and many trains and buses will break down completely. And many people will be poorly dressed despite knowing that it's below zero, but won't care...Read full story
Manchester city sensationally sack Roberto Mancini
Just 24 hours after appointing Roberto Mancini as manager, Manchester city have announced they have sacked him following today's performance. Although City weren't scheduled to play their next game until next week, sources close to the city bosse...Read full story
Jonas Wedding a Complete White Out
Singer Kevin Jonas wedded hairdresser Danielle Deleasa this weekend on Long Island, during the season's worst winter blizzard. Wedding party and guests were confined to the Oheka Castle estate grounds during the worst of the storm. Kevin Jonas, a...Read full story
Tiger Woods to get out of golf and start a new life in upmarket chastity pants
Beset by scandal and hounded by the paparazzi, golfer Tiger Woods has announced he is giving up the game to concentrate on his new career, promoting chastity knickers to the upper classes. "I've always acted on impulse, dropping trouser at the slight...Read full story
Rob Pattinson Nude Poolside Photos "Genuine"
A set of nude photographs featuring Twilight teen idol Rob Pattinson have had their authenticity confirmed by the heart throb's one time neighbour, Steven Toolbox. "It's the real deal," Toolbox told us. "It was an uncharacteristically warm day her...Read full story
NFL Asks Players to Donate Brains to Discover Reasons for Repeated Off the Field Insanity!
A spokesman for the NFL, concerned with the rising incidences of off the field mayhem, anti social behavior, and the increase in unwed mothers, have asked players to donate their brains for a study to be undertaken with Boston University. "We need...Read full story
Plainclothes Officer Unleashes Wrath, Guns Down 23 Snowmen
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Twenty-three snowmen and a lifesize plastic Santa Claus are in critical condition this Monday after an off-duty, plainclothes officer shot up a Washington, D.C. area community snowball fight, said authorities. The 28-year-old of...Read full story
Brittany Murphy death 'hoax'? The Anna Nicole Smith pharmacology connection
Los Angeles - (Rumormill): A sicko media 'stunt' or terrible, unexplained tragedy? Initial reports this weekend that the Clueless actress had died were met with skeptical derision following a spate of faux stories speculating about her alleged r...Read full story
Hull City Manager Phil Brown Blames Latest Defeat On Arsenal Players
Beleaguered Hull City manager Phil Brown has reacted furiously to claims that his team's latest defeat at the hands of Arsenal at the weekend was down to his poor team selection, and has made an amazing counter-claim, laying the blame squarely at the...Read full story
Cheryl Consoles Sobbing Joe Over Rage Against The Machine Storm
Cheryl Cole yesterday displayed a fantastic sense of compassion, as she went along, 'in the nude' to comfort X-Factor champion Joe McElderry, as metal band 'Rage Against The Machine' challenged impressario Simon Cowell's stranglehold on the music bus...Read full story
Obama and Woods - Related?
Washington, D.C. - President Barrack Obama and Tiger Woods have been seeing a lot of each other lately. Reports of them being seen in a black helicopter was released just last week. This has led some to wonder if there could be some kind of connec...Read full story
Giant Chunnel Rats Disrupt Holiday Travel Plans
Hundreds of holiday travelers going between mainland Europe and Britain were stranded in the Chunnel for six hours as their train was surrounded by Giant Chunnel Rats, authorities now confirm. The vicious rodents circled the train, gnawing at the pai...Read full story
Mark Hughes Takes Shelf-Stacking Job At Tesco
Unconfirmed reports here in the UK appear to suggest that recently deposed Manchester City manager, Mark Hughes, has accepted a £6.50 an hour temporary contract to be a night shift shelf stacker at a local Tesco Extra store. Hughes, a former Manch...Read full story
Political Correctness Crash Course
In this day and age, it so very important to protect the feelings and well being of persons who may or may not be affected by the verbal or written representation of speech. It is common to refer to a person whose melanin rating is higher than Caucasian as an African-American. To be fair, we need to make sure to refer to Caucasians of European descent as Euro-Americans and those persons from As...Read full story
Tiger Woods Medical Records Hacked
Tiger Woods medical records were copied off of his doctors computer early Friday morning and released on the Internet just this morning. The most quoted portion of the record is a portion that states that Mr. Woods suffers from a mild case of vit...Read full story