More 'Climategate' emails released - fresh scandal erupts

Funny story written by Helen Tarnation

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

image for More 'Climategate' emails released - fresh scandal erupts
Climate scientists 'partying hard' after studying the weather in Barbados

Ever since the 'Climategate' scandal broke in mid-November, many have noted that the e-mails and associated computer codes and files appear to have been 'cherry-picked'. That is to say, they are not a random sample of correspondence.

'Someone spent a lot of time assembling precisely those files which were released, said Weston Easton, Esq., head of the Scrutinize Government Program.

'Now we know why.'

The latest batch of emails and internal correspondence show that the first leaks were carefully chosen to avoid references to a second scandal, far greater: tales of utter debauchery on overseas junkets at taxpayer expense, drug abuse, high-priced 'hostesses', and other excesses so perverse that they cannot be described here.

There is even a passing reference to Tiger Woods.

'Here I am in the VIP lounge haggling with a hostess over the price of a prostate massage, and in walks this guy, right up to her, and says he'll double anything I offer. Calls himself Tiger Woods. I've spotted him around alot. Spends money like an Arab. Who is this guy?'

There's another email:

'Guys, I'm out of Ambien and Vicodin. You got a line on some of that stuff? If I don't get some soon, I won't be able to hide the decline.'

The response comes back:

'I don't have that stuff, but MM has a good stash of coke and heroin, some X too. Wouldn't be surprised if he's got what your looking for.'

There are also indications of wife-swapping at poolside orgies, with members of the scientists' staff taking part.

'Now we know why the emails and internal documents were so carefully selected', said Easton. 'The Climategate leak was intended to distract the public, while far more embarrassing information was being selectively withheld.'

'Given the nature of the embarrassment involved, it is now clear that the release of the first batch of Climategate emails was an inside job', Easton added.

'For the same reason, it's also clear that the second bath of emails was the work of a hacker', observed Easton. 'Nobody on the inside would release this stuff, because each and every one of them was an active participant in a culture of unfettered hedonism and depravity.'

'The emails have been all taken out of context and are meaningless', said Al Gore, former US vice president and inventor of the internet, who is now in charge of the world's climate. 'And these emails are all more than ten years old. If anything, they only show some youthful exuberance on the part of scientists involved in the infancy of proving our planet has a fever.'

The Climategate scientists are currently hiding, and their wives as well. Even their staff, from secretaries to janitors, have gone incommunicado -- so none of those involved -- including Tiger Woods -- could be reached for comment.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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