Wachovia Eaten by Citi
Fearing the fate of WaMu, Citibank quickly decided to reduce the competition and has obtained permission from Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson allowing Citibank employees temporary permission to eat all the employees of Wachovia bank. After devouring all employees at Wachovia corporate, I asked the Directory of HR for Citibank, "How were they?" "Well, the loan officers were tough and chewy,...
Read full storyHurricane 'Eh' Hits Canada
Tragic news from the north! The eastern third of Canada (a country to the North of America) was devastated by a rare hurricane, named Eh. Honorable Ian MacStormcloud of parliament made the following comment: "Ok. So like, it was a really beauty...
Read full storyRecent Poker Game at the White House
Just over 1 week ago… PRESIDENT: "Dagnabbit, Henry, you beat me again - you've been beating me all night!" TREASURY SECRETARY: "Mr. President, you're just too much of a risk taker." PRESIDENT: "It's a Texas thing… What's the pot up to? I'm cashing out for the night." TREASURY SECRETARY: "(chuckles) You owe me - let's see…" (sound of calculator) "Mr. President, you owe me $700 b...
Read full storyBreakfast Cereal Cartoon Z-Listers Slammed
A host of Z-list cartoon characters have been slated by a watchdog magazine for failing to entertain today's children. Amongst the slighted stars are The Honey Monster, Tony The Tiger, Snap, Crackle and Pop, Moo the Dairylea cow, Coco the Coco Po...
Read full storySir Ian Blair Resigns Over 'Murderer' Claims
It was a far from routine day at the office for Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair today, when 'Britain's Top Cop' resigned after Brazilians living in London called him a 'wanker'. It was claimed he was a 'murdering son of a bitch' by...
Read full storySpelling Band In Skools - Two Stress Furl
Ed Uca-shone offish shoals have two day banned spellling tests from skools after pew pills found them dissed dressing. A resent report has outlined the facked that most chilled wren get sick bee four a test, Patrick U Lee bee four a spellling tes...
Read full storyMicrosoft Founder Bill Gates Trial Expected To Ease US Financial Crisis
Washington D.C. - Microsoft Founder Bill Gate's trial begins today in Federal court in Washington, DC. He is charged with 87 counts of wire fraud, and 1 count of stereotyping himself for Apple computers. President George Bush, commenting on the tr...
Read full storyGeorge Bush Endorsing Barack Obama, or Vice Versa?
HACKENSACK, New Jersey - One of Barack Obama's top advisers has stated that if Obama wins the presidential election that he may seriously consider asking the current secretary of defense, Robert Gates to remain as a part of his administration. A...
Read full storyeBay Auction - Going, Going, Gone!
YPSILANTI, Michigan - A woman has just won a house in Saginaw, Michigan with a bid on eBay of $1.75, (yes, that's one dollar and seventy-five cents!). Joanne Smith, who was the auction's top bidder, reportedly told an eBay representative, "My goo...
Read full storyIrish Singer Barack O'Bama charing high in America
Irish Singer Barack O'Bama from London-Derry has found his fame in America rising due to the fact that he nearly shares his name with an important runner in the race for the White House. O'Bama, famed for his hits 'Guiness and Girls' 'One More Pog...
Read full storyDavid Cameron: 'Gordon's not a bad bloke, really'
In a shocking admission at the Conservative Party Conference, as well as congratulating himself for most of the speech Dave 'Man of the People' Cameron claimed 'Gordon Brown's not a bad bloke really' There were gasps and a silence as these words w...
Read full storyEscaped Immigrants to destroy climate, claims Daily Rag
Reports have been confirmed that a number of immigrants have escaped from Oakington Immigration Centre in Longstanton, Cambridgeshire. The men, assumed to be communist by authorities, escaped under the cover of darkness last night. The Daily Rag h...
Read full storyMartian's not predicting a White Christmas
Although Scientists have recently discovered Snow falling on Mars, it is believed that Martians are not holding out great hopes for a White Christmas this year. Maude Smith 45, from Mars told us: 'The weather looks so promising in early Autumn, an...
Read full storyStig of the Dump awarded Squatter's Rights
Beloved childhood bogeyman Stig of the Dump has been awarded Squatter's rights. This follows similar news that the Wombles have been given the freedom of Wimbledon Common. The two have much in common, with their ideas of green living and recycling...
Read full storyUFO 'chased Fossett's plane until it ran out of gas' say salvage team
Mammoth Lakes, Ca - (Ass Mess): US National Transportation Safety Board recovery team sources believe that madcap aviator Steve Fossett may have been dogged for many miles by a rogue Roswell UFO until his single-engine Bellanca Super Decathlon ran ou...
Read full storyDuane "Dog" Chapman goes after Wall Street honchos
From 3 pages to 300, from $700 billion to $850 billion, from bad to worse. Ok, folks, the bill approved by the Senate last night now looks like your run of the mill pork barrel spending, complete with concessions for wooden child arrows and those who bike to work (look it up, I'm not kidding). Oh, and the bill's suitably tied to a mental health initiative (you'd have to be nuts to make this st...
Read full storyCriminals weep as they pay tribute to Ian Blair
"He knew our criminality sprang from lack of opportunity so he endeavored to give us more." A tearful mugger and part time murderer spoke for many when he said, on hearing the news of Ian Blair's resignation, "he was the best friend we ever had."...
Read full storyWorld Exaggeration Contest an overwhelmingly massive success
Millions of people turned up today at a packed Croydon Community Centre in London to take part in the annual World Exaggeration Contest. The annual contest pits people all over the world against each other who can simply exaggerate any which way...
Read full storyKids to Kill Glitter Newspaper Campaign, the Latest Horror!
Dung-encrusted, disgraced, deadly, dire, deaf man Gary Glitter wobbled to the park on his wicked wonky legs to buy a bottle of milk today the "Daily Scum" can reveal. "Gary Glitter to be hung drawn and quartered, his deaf-aid will be stamped on"...
Read full storyRobert Redford Inherits "Hollywood Legend" Status, Lifetime Supply of Salad Cream
A hushed and respectful crowd gathered outside a Connecticut courthouse yesterday as movie icon Paul Newman's last will and testament was revealed. The majority of his fortune was split evenly between family members and charitable organisations, b...
Read full storyMuslim Forklift Driver Sues Supermarket over Alcohol Handling
A Saudi Arabian immigrant from Derby-on-Sea is suing a supermarket monopoly for religious discrimination after he was asked to handle crates of alcohol against his spiritual beliefs. Mohammed Ahmed, a former Mecca Ballroom pole dancer, now a resi...
Read full storyParis Hilton to run for President (of Albania)
In what some have described as a shrewd professional move, Paris Hilton announced today that she is seeking nomination for the candidacy of the Albanian Presidency. Despite her own unsuccessful tilt at the American presidency, Paris is now boldly...
Read full storyAnimated European Meat Stick Evades Authorities
From the streets of Kingston upon Thames near Argyll House yesterday, an amateur paparazzi captured Mr. Fanimal Peperami, a popular European meat snack mascot, in the act of stealing a motor bike. Not to be interrupted by the flash of the digital ca...
Read full storySarah Palin's Trade Missions with Russia. Garbage?
By now we know Sarah Palin's worldly because of Alaska's proximity to Russia. "They're our next-door neighbors and you can actually see Russia from land here in Alaska -- from an island in Alaska," she said to Charlie Gibson. "We have trade missions back and forth. We, we do, it's very important when you consider even national security issues with Russia as Putin rears his head and comes into t...
Read full storyBiden's "Heroic Acts" Lauded by Debate Moderator; Cites New Book!
Washington, DC - Gwen Ifill, moderator of the Palin/Biden Debates, and PBS Host of the less than award winning show, The (slanted) News Hour, today announced the publishing of her new book lauding the courage of Joe Biden, Democratic Vice Presidentia...
Read full storyRoe v Wade, that's it?
During her interview with Katie Couric, Sara Palin couldn't remember any Supreme Court cases, other than Roe v Wade. Was she told by McCain's handlers to stay away from Exxon v Baker, the case that put Alaska on the map? The whole world heard about that disaster. We all saw the pictures of sea birds and sea otters covered in thick black crude oil. That was back in 1989, when the drunken cap...
Read full storyOutbreak of Jaundice Linked to Yellow Highlighters
Originally labeled as a "Hepatic Jaundice" outbreak by the center for disease control, white collar offices in several major cities across the U.S. had reported a sudden increase in workers developing yellow shaded skin. Normally linked to liver dis...
Read full storySol Campbell To Become Honourable In Bid To Beat 'Boo Boys'
Sol Campbell, the Portsmouth defender who was a victim of racist and homophobic abuse at the weekend from Tottenham fans, is to become 'honourable' in a bid to beat the 'boo boys'. Campbell, who played for Tottenham until 2001, when he left to pla...
Read full storyMen's Magazine Offers Economy Bailout For Palin Spread
Hustlerboy magazine has offered an economic U.S. bailout of current financial crisis if Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin "will spread for a spread." "Timing is everything in life," said the wheelchair bound,semi- paralyzed magazine spokespe...
Read full storyPelosi Blames Incontinence for Pissing On Almost Everybody!
San Francisco/Liberal Rag - House Speaker and Demagogue Nancy Pelosi today blamed a medical condition for her pissy comments on Capitol Hill which alienated almost any rational thinking American. Speaking from her San Francisco estate, Del Monte M...
Read full storySperm Bank Deposits Dry Up Overnight
Financial sectors received another blow today when the world's two largest and most respected sperm banks separately announced that they were in a sticky situation. The Nobel Sperm Bank in Oslo and the Jade Pagoda and Two Golden Drums Sperm Bank in C...
Read full storyTop Cat Hands over Power
In a scene reminiscent of something from The Godfather Movies, beloved street cat, Top Cat, or TC to his friends has handed over power in the running of the street. This has caused uproar amongst many of Cat's compadres, who were squaring up for a...
Read full storySnow White's Doc Discredited
Doc, often seen as the most intelligent of Snow White's Dwarfes has been discredited. It is thought the Doc's qualifications were bought over the Internet, from the University of Tesco. Speaking to us earlier, Sneezy said 'Atchoo' before being...
Read full storyCaptain Caveman becomes mascot for Sarah Palin
Little remembered children's cartoon character Captain Caveman is now the official mascot for Sarah Palin's campaign, replacing the Moose from Northern Exposure, which she shot last week. Caveman, now without his gang of Teen Angels, now fully gro...
Read full story80's Slap Bass - The hits of Sting at number 4
An album of Sting songs is now at number 4 in the charts, played on the instrumental sound of the 1980's, Slap Bass. The sound, most noticeable in the theme to Seinfeld was made famous by such players as Level 42's Mark King, and a number of bassi...
Read full storyBrown reinvents A-Team to prevent financial meltdown
Following the recent resurgence in the nation's love for all things shamelessly 80s, Prime Minister Gordon Brown has unveiled a shocking new policy in order to gain popularity among the public. The Prime Minister's aids had been warning Mr Brown...
Read full storySpeaker of the House of Commons in the cow dung
The National Farmers Union is taking the Speaker of the House of Commons to the European Court on two counts. Firstly, they are questioning why he is called the speaker when he never actually makes a speech. And secondly, and more importantly,...
Read full storyHarvest Festival Hit Hard By Credit Crunch
Harvest Festival - that peculiarly English tradition, where people donate out-of-date tins of beans and soup to old people to try and murder them - has been suffering this year as a result of the worldwide financial crisis - the Credit Crunch. Sch...
Read full storyFast food chain to research the chicken's road habits
An American fast food chain from Kentucky is to fund research as to why chickens cross the road. In a major study starting today, Kenlucky Diced Chicken, the famous fast food restaurant group, is to attempt to get to the bottom of the quandry that...
Read full storyIllicit Love
I, like other modern slaves, was on a paid vacation at a beach. While walking along the beach, I was impulsively forced to land my eyes on an exquisitely pretty woman, in bikini, lying on the sandy beach when my friend asked me what I was doing. I replied, "Receiving some light or rather electromagnetic energy." His ludicrous look led me to say: "That's the way a visual organ functions, otherwise...
Read full storyRomania's Dracula Kneecaps Chelsea's Drogba!
Not long after the Croatian attacks upon black footballers, Chelsea went to the Carpathian mountains only to meet a Romanian team led by a certain Count named Dracula. Chelsea star Drogba went toe to toe and neck to neck with Dracula. But when th...
Read full storyTory David Cameron Has Vision of St Margaret Mary Thatcher!
Religious apparitions have often played significant roles in political history. to cite only one example remember when Roman Emperor Constantine saw a vision of the end of paganism and suddenly a cross appeared in his sky vodka. Something quite...
Read full storySex in the City Junior High Wins Award for Most Juvenile Adults
HBO phenom turned feature film has packed the theaters and now has begun collecting awards. Its first big prize came from the Association of Petrina Pan whose motto is why should girls be the only one's who have to grow up. The Association in bestowi...
Read full storyCongressional Leaders, Sell Out the American Public
Leaders on Capitol Hill today were selling out the American people. They were offering a cool $700 billion dollars, to their contributors and cronies from New York's financial center. Nancy Pelosi, at a press conference of House and Senate leader...
Read full storyWorld's Heaviest Man to Marry
Manuel Uribe of Monterrey, Mexico, classed as the World's Heaviest Man by the Guiness Book for weighing 1260 pounds, will marry his long time girlfriend this week. The Bride is also a person of note in the Guiness Book, having the record for being...
Read full storyHenry Paulson Named World's Sexiest Man
Washington DC-- US Treasury Secretary Henry (Hanka Hanka Burnin' Love) Paulson was voted the world's sexiest man in a new AOL online poll. The smooth-headed stallion easily won against other studs like Bill Maher, John McCain and Michael Moore. T...
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