Harvest Festival Hit Hard By Credit Crunch

Written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 2 October 2008

image for Harvest Festival Hit Hard By Credit Crunch
Harvest Festival figures today

Harvest Festival - that peculiarly English tradition, where people donate out-of-date tins of beans and soup to old people to try and murder them - has been suffering this year as a result of the worldwide financial crisis - the Credit Crunch.

School headmasters and headmistresses have reported a "significant downturn" in the items received by schools ahead of the 'annual offload of expired items' and perished goods no longer fit for human consumption.

One worried headmistress, Maureen Dreemer, of the Rotherham School for Thugs, said:

"Usually, we get thousands of dented cans of beans, soup, obscure vegetables, hot dogs in brine, and custard - shit like that. This year donations have been at an all-time low. It's sad, really. A lot of old folk are going to be extremely hungry this winter."

Another headmaster, Hayden Clouds, from the Brixton Grammar School, told us:

"Times are definitely harder, and we're seeing that in the amount of perished goods received. We had some flour yesterday which was riddled with maggots. Someone will use it, but it's a shame. International financiers - they have a lot to answer for!"

Not everyone is disappointed at the news though.

Swindon pensioner Alice Arkwright, 92, was positively pleased when she heard, blurting:

"They can keep their rotten f*****g apples!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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