Written by Amateur Scribe

Thursday, 2 October 2008

image for Robert Redford Inherits "Hollywood Legend" Status, Lifetime Supply of Salad Cream
"...and a dozen jars of pasta sauce."

A hushed and respectful crowd gathered outside a Connecticut courthouse yesterday as movie icon Paul Newman's last will and testament was revealed.

The majority of his fortune was split evenly between family members and charitable organisations, but it was the final clause that brought laughter, misty eyes and warm applause from the assembled throng.

"I have been fortunate enough to spend over half a century making movies," said Newman's lawyer, reading from the will. "During that time, I have been nominated for ten Academy Awards, portrayed effortlessly debonair heroes like Butch Cassidy and Cool Hand Luke, and worked with all the Hollywood greats."

"I am a modest man, but certain truths have become undeniable: I am handsome. My sparkling blue eyes and chiselled features have made me an object of desire for hundreds of women. My kind nature and extreme benevolence have enriched countless lives across the world."

"But now I am gone."

"So save your reverence and your tearful goodbyes. If you feel the need to speak whimsically of the good work done by my Hole in the Wall Gang or fantasise wildly about seducing me in my trailer after a long, sweaty day's shooting on Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, thanks - but don't bother. I was never in it for the recognition or the groupies. Your hysteria and hero-worship are lost on me."

"From this moment forth, I would like to legally transfer my legendary status to my good friend Robert Redford. He loves the ladies, and hasn't had a decent hit since Indecent Proposal so frankly he could do with the kudos."

"Thanks for the memories, Bobby. Stay lucky."

"Oh yeah. I also have all this salad cream I can't shift. He can have that too."

Redford was unable to attend the reading but sent a message of thanks to the Newman family.

"It was an honour to know Paul," the statement read. "He changed my life and enriched my soul. I was proud to call him my friend. It is humbling to think my own meagre standing will now benefit from his legend, though I would politely suggest that Spy Game was hardly a Box Office disaster, and The Horse Whisperer was also pretty good."

"And ladies - if there ARE any grieving Fast Eddie Felson fans out there ... I'm single. I live in Utah. Call me."

"Finally - let's lay this fricking salad cream thing to rest once and for all. Whenever I went to his house I had to tolerate my chicken Caesar being drowned in that shit. Why can't he just give me mayo like any normal human being?"

"Adios Butch. Rest easy."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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