Written by Phil Edgar's Bones

Thursday, 2 October 2008

image for Kids to Kill Glitter Newspaper Campaign, the Latest Horror!
The Daily Scum's 'Kids to Kill Glitter' Campaign. The latest young reader to own a 'Glitter' Sword"

Dung-encrusted, disgraced, deadly, dire, deaf man Gary Glitter wobbled to the park on his wicked wonky legs to buy a bottle of milk today the "Daily Scum" can reveal.

"Gary Glitter to be hung drawn and quartered, his deaf-aid will be stamped on"

The convicted paedo who uses the false name of 'Rumplestilskin', ran out of milk to pour over his conflakes. A source from our office added, the remaining milk will be poured over his decrepid disgusting deaf body, in some sort of lurid ritualistic sex act.

" Emotive alliteration used to describe Grotesque, Grovelling Glitter"

Our reporters managed to catch the dirty, devious, disgraced, disgusting dirt-box leaving his 'sex-flat' wearing his dirty deaf-aid.

'Glitter punches pregnant woman in the metaphorical stomach'

An eye-witness fainted as he gently closed the door to his 'sex-lair', later she remarked " I saw him fiddling with his deaf-aid. I could just imagine the same hands fiddling with kids".

'Selfish Glitter walks away from crime scene'

Oblivious to the controversy he had caused, selfish Mr Shitter-Glitter, slimed back to his flat on his doddery old legs ten minutes later, after purchasing a bottle of semi-skimmed milk from Mr Patel's mini-mart.

'Local shopkeeper 'violently' evicts Glitter from his mini-mart'

Our reporters later confronted Mr Patel about his repulsive customer, he replied " I did not know who this old man was, he was very polite. But now you have repeatedly, told me who he is, I will please tell him to purchase his semi-skimmed elsewhere, now please leave my shop if you are not buying. Look, you are blocking access to the tills and I cannot see the aisles properly.

"Gary Glitter 'corrupts and incites' British children to steal from places, like that Fagin chappy"

An obviously shaky Mr Patel added "Many school children, have stolen things from my shop while you have be talking nicely to me about 'Mr Glatter' for the past four hours. I will have to go to the 'cash and carry' tomorrow to stock up , oh dear so many things have been stolen. Did you see that boy, he has just walked of with all my 'Bounty Bars', please leave my shop now newspaper people".

'Glitter has to eat dry cereal tommorrow'

A local resident told us "I am grateful to the 'Daily Scum' as I can sleep easy in my bed , knowing that 'Nonce Glitter' will not have any milk for his rice kripsies tomorrow. I would also gladly smash his hearing aid and beat him soundly with his own walking stick, as he is a pissing coward."

JOIN OUR CAMPAIGN

The Daily Scum is running a "Kids to Kill Glitter Campaign", where every child under 16 in the UK including N.I, will be given a free sword or dagger as protection against 'deaf-man' Glitter.

What you will need to get free weapon

'Kiddies!' : Send a copy of your birth certificate, five 'Daily Scum' tokens and a photograph of your mummy's tits. Your weapon will arrive in 6-10 days.

Please note if your 'mummy's knockers' are not 'much cop', your weapon may be with-held. To guarentee quick dispatch of "the Glitter Sword", you must also include photograph of older sister's, aunty's or next door neighbour's bristols.

Parents please note the 'Daily Scum' cannot be held responsible for any mis-use of the deadly 'Glitter Sword'.

Warning : The Glitter Sword is not recommended for those under six months !

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: Gary Glitter

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