YPSILANTI, Michigan - A woman has just won a house in Saginaw, Michigan with a bid on eBay of $1.75, (yes, that's one dollar and seventy-five cents!).
Joanne Smith, who was the auction's top bidder, reportedly told an eBay representative, "My goodness gracious child, I am one lucky old gal...and I am so excited that I don't dare drink any liquids for fear that I'll pee all over the place."
Ms. Smith went on to say, "I am so thrilled...that now, I can finally get out of this horrible dump." she added, "Now if I can just get me a car for around 90 cents or so, I swear that this old gal will be as happy as a landfill fly."
Smith commented that she has been bidding on houses for the past five months. "I bid on a house in Indianapolis, but old Donald Trump got that one...then I bid on one in Harlem, but old John McCain was the top bidder. I cannot figure that man out...I mean him and old Cindy already own seven houses! I just had no idea that the Budweiser Beer business was so damn good!"
In other news, Laura Bush has really been busy packing lately. She told Greta Van Sustern, that she is just about done packing the dishes and the silverware and now she is starting to pack George's socks, his underwear, his flip-flops, his baseball trading card collection, and his three crowns.
(EDITOR'S NOTE: Greta emailed me and said that one more item that Laura has already packed, but that she asked her not to mention is George's book manuscript which she said is about 91 percent complete. The future book's title is [READER PLEASE TAKE A DEEP BREATH NOW] "Look, I Know That I Was Elected President, and At Times I've Acted Like a King, or Maybe Even a Dictator, But Damnit, I'm Just An Old Cowboy, and Us Old Cowboys Pretty Much Do Whatever The Friggin' Hell We Feel Like Doin,' and If You Don't Like It, Then You Can Just Move To One of Them Other 9 or 17 Countries in The World.")
(This article contains no artificial preservatives)