McCain Vows to End LAFTA
Senator John McCain announced today that he would cancel LAFTA if elected president.
Read full storyNWA Snipes sentenced to three years
Hollywood actor Wesley Snipes has received a three year prison sentence for tax offences, but the conviction had nothing to do with the court's perception of him as a rich "uppity nigger".
Read full storyTeachers strike to hit small industries where it hurts
Corduroy elbow pad manufacturer Elroy McManus told of his deep fears for the future of his company should the teacher strike continue.
Read full storyIdiots vindicated: scientists prove that memory sucks
According to a new study, the average idiot can keep only one or two things in their working memory or conscious mind at a time.
Read full storyNew Department for Arson announced today
As councils throughout the country struggle to pay councillors expenses, send them on junkets to far flung lands, and settle huge PFI finance debts to parasitic outsourcers, a lifeline has been thrown to them by the Government with the establishment...
Read full storyDoctor Who succumbs to dreadful ginger menace
Everyone's favourite Gallifreyan Timelord has faced some real terrors over the years - Sontarans, Sea Devils, Daleks and CyberMen to name but a few. He's even survived the BBC losing faith and cancelling him for years, only for the good Docto...
Read full storyTerry defends Drogba - mascot in stable condition.
John Terry has launched a strong defence of the Chelsea teams actions on Saturday which left one of the team mascots in a stable but critical condition in a west London Hospital.
Read full storySpitzer's personal fitness trainer is Max Mosley Nazi S&M orgy madam
New York - (Lurid Ass Mess): Detectives investigating ex-New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's Holy Roman Emperor VSOP hooker agency have found a link to the UK Nazi S&M orgy aficionado Max Mosely.
Read full storyRain led to Napoleon's defeat at Waterloo, triumph of Wellingtons
Almost two centuries after the Battle of Waterloo, senior French Army officers have concluded that an underestimation of the rain and mud, and dismissal of the crucial importance of the watertight Wellies worn by British and Prussian forces,...
Read full story"I just love to play on dirt!" Sharapova tells Letterman
New York - (Fifteen-Love Mess): Stunning leggy Russian blonde tennis ace Maria Sharapova has thrilled late night TV chatshow host David Letterman with her revelations about love of play on dirt.
Read full storyNutritionists Baffled By New Foodstuff
CLEVELAND, Ohio (Reuters) -- Nutritionists at the American Dietetic Association have been baffled by a new foodstuff being tested at local McDonald's stores called the "McLove Muffin."...
Read full storyMcCain Says He Would Have Responded Differently to the Crash of 1929
Senator John McCain took direct aim at previous administrations on Thursday as he stood in the lower gallery of Wall Street Stock Exchange, the area hardest hit by the Crash of 1929, and declared that "never again will a disaster of this...
Read full storyA Day In The Life Of A Daniel Radcliffe Stalker
It is 6am and it is so cold I think many of my figures are going to drop off very soon. But where am I? A Bush outside Daniel Radcliffe's Fulham home of course.
Read full storyABBA's White House Visit to discuss new peace initiative in Israel
The Swedish pop group ABBA today attended a meeting with President Bush to see whether they could contribute to the peace process in Israel.
Read full storyFamily of Kuntz Reunited
A family has been reunited after the chance answering of a letter printed in an Idaho newspaper.
Read full storyHuman brain responds to Obama as it does to money and chocolate
Scientists from the University of California - Los Angeles have found that the human brain reacts to Democratic presidential hopeful Senator Barack Obama in the same way it responds to winning money and eating chocolate.
Read full storyMcCain Forgainst the Issues
Washington DC - Republican John Sidney McCain announced today his unalterable position "forgainst" the major issues of our times.
Read full storyPanic at Colleges over Ramen Noodle Shortage
College students who live off-campus and are struggling to make ends meet while getting an education have been hit with a major crisis. There is a major ramen noodle shortage and the few available packages of ramen noodles available are selling for...
Read full storyJobless forced into past-life therapy
Long-term EU unemployed are being forced into "regression therapy" in the hope that coming to terms with past lives will help them find a job in this one.
Read full storyTeachers Strike Sparks Nationwide Happiness!
A teacher's strike which could see millions of kids better off has been praised by politicians and adults the length and breadth of Britain.
Read full storyGok Wan Outed as Heterosexual
Scandal hit Channel 4 last night as camp presenter and self-professed "Makeover Queen" Gok Wan was sensationally revealed to be as straight as a die. Wan, the presumed-to-be-gay host of hit show How to Look Good Naked, admitted at a press conferen...
Read full storyLife Declared a Mental Disorder by APA
ARLINGTON, VA - As part of an initiative to streamline patient care and make it more affordable to anyone who seeks it, the American Psychiatric Association has eliminated all but one mental disorder from its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Ment...
Read full storyGay masturbation totally different from hetero masturbation scientists say
London - (Gay Ass Mess): "We used to think that masturbation is so gay," Imperial Science Institute's Prof V Smart said today, "but now we aren't so sure."...
Read full storyMexicans stealing White House blackberries Bush complains
Washington AC/DC - (Fruit-Rustling Mess): President Bush has complained to the secret service that pesky Mexicans have been stealing White House blackberries.
Read full storyLiverpool Owners To Halve John Arne Riise's Wages Due To His One-Footedness
Liverpool have announced that they have made a huge salary cut from the wages of John Arne Riise, on the basis that the scary-looking, blond Norwegian is only able to kick with his left foot.
Read full storyTexas polygamy kids 'want to become Scientologists' after Tom Cruise movie outing
Texas - (Fundamental Mess): Over four hundred children taken into care from the Yearn For Zion polygamous nutters' ranch have demanded immediate initiation into the Church of Scientology after seeing Tom Cruise's Top Gun and...
Read full storyDoherty tests positive
London - (OMFG Mess): Babyshambles singer Pete Doherty has tested positive inside the nutter wing at HMP Wormwood Scrubs.
Read full storyReport says Children are Depressed
According to research carried out by BBC children's television programme, Newsround, children are depressed by modern society.
Read full storyBear kills Hollywood handler
Hollywood, Ca - (Bear-Faced Cheek Mess): In a clear case of mistaken identity a grizzly bear has killed his handler after mistaking him for Semi-Pro co-star Will Ferrell.
Read full storyGermans offer cyber-stalkers a walk-in service
Berlin - (Obsessive-Compulsive Mess): A new EU-funded stalk-in advice centre for cyberstalkers has opened in Germany after the discovery of Neo-Nazis hounding internet humor sites.
Read full storyNo airbrushing of horns or swastika tattoos in new Blair portrait
London - (Ass Mess): "Well the PM said to me 'Paint me as I really am, Phil, horns and swastikas and warts and all!' - and so of course I duly obliged," artist Phil Hale said today.
Read full storyArtist wants Queen Elizabeth tribute act to drop dead in gallery
Frankfurt-am-Main - (Rotters): A German artist has promised Queen Elizabeth's relatives five trillion euro if they agree to arrange for her to spend her dying hours in his Dusseldorf art gallery.
Read full storyZimbabwe arms ship returns to Halliburton Beijing orifice
Harare, Zimbabwe - (AssoCIAted Mess): Up to 600 tonnes of potentially lethal defective military weapons in the Aung San Suu Kyi carrier are heading back to the Halliburton Corporation's Beijing orifice.
Read full storyPadre Pio's body sprouts breasts
Vatican - (Embalming Mess): In what has been described as a god awful embarrassment for the Vatican the exhumed body of stick martyr Padre Pio has suddenly sprouted breasts.
Read full storyBerlin Philharmonic rattled
Berlin, Germany - (Tone-deaf Mess): Germany's leading national orchestra wants to dump the man credited with steering it to the top after a blazing row about Nazi tribute songs.
Read full storyHeather Mills groomed Iran nuclear reactor program after sordid camel business
Langley, Virginia - (Lurid Ass Mess): US spooks said today that simpering peroxide dickhead Heather Mills is KGB hooker responsible for helping Iran with its nuclear program.
Read full storyHeathrow Terror Plot Foiled By BA Cock-up
A major terrorist threat was averted earlier this morning when a number of suitcases containing high explosive failed to arrive at BA's flagship new Terminal 5 at London's Heathrow airport.
Read full storyConspiracy Theorists Proclaim Ass on Mars
FLAGSTAFF - Mars has a face and a posterior, according to conspiracy theorists who are hailing a recent photograph from the Mars Observer as proof of an Ass on Mars.
Read full storyBritney 'Speared.'
'Ops I did it again,' said the ancient weapons specialist as he accidentally ran Britney Spears through with an ancient spear of the Rain Forest's Umbo-Womba tribe. 'I was really trying to carry out the ancient tribal ritual of removi...
Read full storyNUTS Strike UK Schools!
National Union of Teachers will strike across the UK this week to protest the plight of teachers. The union purposely chose the acronym NUTS to declare the widely acknowledged fact that you have got to be NUTS to want to be a teacher.
Read full storyReds Can Halt Jinx at Chelsea
Liverpool boss, Rafael Benitez, believes his side can overcome its poor record at Chelsea and reach the Champions League final.
Read full storyPapa Panzer: Part Three , Divorce and Remarriage , vatican Style
Even after Papa Panzer, the Rottweiler of Roamin' Religion, has returned to the royal palace designed after the Bethlehem stable in which Luke's baby Gesu was born (Matthew's apparently lived in a middle class condominium), the wholly holy father, the one true pope of the one true rekligion has agreed to continue interviews with the spoof religion reporters who usually write about driv...
Read full storyPresident Bush Launches Book Writing Career Early!
Impressed with 'The Pet Goat,' while reading it during the horrific 9-11 attack on the World Trade Center, and fully impressed by the just-released Laura and Jenna Bush children's book (meant for 4-8 year olds), 'Read All About It,...
Read full storySenator John McCain wishes to have sex with model Heidi Klum; others
After a vigorous day of campaigning, Senator John McCain reportedly told a friend that he would enjoy having sexual intercourse with 35-year-old top model Heidi Klum. She is also the wife of the singer Seal.
Read full storyHillary Loses Pennsylvania in Recount; Ron Paul Wins
Hillary Clinton suffered a stunning defeat Thursday when a recount of the Pennsylvania primary vote showed she lost by a substantial margin. While the initial count had Clinton ahead by 10 points over Barack Obama, the recount put the former first la...
Read full storyAlexa Revises Web Traffic Rankings
Alexa, a prominent website that provides information on other websites, recently revised its algorithm for measuring web traffic. The site's most recognized feature is a ranking of websites by th...
Read full storyHigh School Musical Remake In Works
Disney is reportedly working on a remake of the first High School Musical film. Rumors are flying fast and furious across Hollywood and the entertainment community about what form the new HSM will take, and who will be in the cast, including possibly...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Answers Questions on Internet Pictures
Recently, pictures purporting to be of a scantilly clad Miley Cyrus have sprung up on various sites on the internet. The shots feature a young girl in various stages of dress and show her in different styles, colors, and types of undergarments. M...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus to Write Autobiography
Fifteen year old Miley Cyrus, the young actress who plays Hannah Montana on the Disney Channel on cable television, has decided to record her memoirs for posterity. "Destiny Comes With Mouse Ears; The Autobiography of Miley Cyrus" will be...
Read full storyTeenagers Select Best Places for Dates
Teenagers across the United States were ask to vote on their favorite places to take a date. The survey required them to be specific; in other words, they could not say "the mall," but had to pick a specific mall. After auditing over 128,...
Read full storyPutin behind Chevron smears
Wall Street - (Stalinist Mess): Pea-brained Russian midget Mad Bad Vlad 'The Impaler' Putin was unmasked today as the walking trash-heap behind a series of smears against bigoil giant Chevron Corp.
Read full storySelena Gomez Seen Kissing David Henrie Behind a Tree!
Wizards Of Waverly Place stars Selena Gomez and David Henrie were seen kissing behind a tree near a Brooklyn park.
Read full storyObama won't dredge up Clinton scandals, asks Spoof writers to do the honors
Washington AC/DC - (Lurid Ass Mess): Barack Obama said today he will not scrape the bottom of the proverbial barrel to dredge up ancient unpublicised Clinton scandals.
Read full storyPA primary win takes Clinton one step closer to holding Bible for McCain
PHILADELPHIA - Senator Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign picked up a much-needed victory in the Pennsylvania Democratic primary last night. Clinton topped rival Barack Obama, claiming 55% of the popular vote to Obama's 45%, gaining 80...
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