Written by Steddyeddy

Thursday, 24 April 2008

image for New Department for Arson announced today
New national council database for artifacts from listed buildings

As councils throughout the country struggle to pay councillors expenses, send them on junkets to far flung lands, and settle huge PFI finance debts to parasitic outsourcers, a lifeline has been thrown to them by the Government with the establishment of the new Department for Arson and Fire Tricks (DAFT).

Headed by a specially created Secretary of State, Derek Conway, with Minister Jimmy Godden, the new department looks set to take the country by storm....well firestorm.......if one is to be precise.

New Secretary of State Derek Conway, an expenses expert who paid members of his family in excess of quarter of a million pounds over six years, much of it for work that was never done, and Jimmy Godden, and expert in mysterious fires to listed buildings and rollercoasters in his home of Margate in Kent that strangely leave tracks of valuable land in their wake for redevelopment, will make an impressive team.

Gordon Brooooon, Prime Minister and political leadership impersonator made the following statement at the State burning down of a Grade A listed building in Soho earlier today:

"We believe that there is a gap in the market for a team that can creatively utilise the many listed buildings in the UK today."

"We believe that, for example, an exquisite, yet vacant Edwardian mansion in the heart of London could generate so much more revenue for its greedy owners who may have no interest in architecture or heritage.

"We believe that should the building accidentally catch fire and burn to the ground, it would be of enormous benefit to the economy of those greedy bastards who own it in terms of claiming a fat insurance wedge, and then claiming a further fat wedge when the land is cleared and sold to the Duke of Westminster, who is also a bit greedy, but at least he's a bit Royal. And I do prefer a greedy bastard with a bit of breeding and culture, don't you?

"We also believe that throughout the UK there are listed buildings generating no council tax whatsoever - what better than to identify these, have them set on fire accidentally, and then replace them with 35 flats producing 35 Council taxes!

"We believe that with this extra income, coupled with existing greedy charges for car parking, business-destroying rates and declining bin collections, Councils will, in no time at all, be able to dramatically increase the level of expenses paid to their Councillors and ensure as many of them as possible can take first class trips to countries abroad to see how councils in other countries rip-off their own residents.

"As that chappie with the hair and high voice from that boy band the Darkness once said - 'I believe, I believe, I believe in a thing called lo-oh-oh-ohve'"

Gordon Brooooon does an awful lot of believing.

He has to, as no one else does.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Fire, Arson

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