Written by Sophie Jayne

Thursday, 24 April 2008

It is 6am and it is so cold I think many of my figures are going to drop off very soon. But where am I? A Bush outside Daniel Radcliffe's Fulham home of course.

I have my binoculars firmly pointed at his bedroom window, but my research shows me he should not be up for another hour and a half, so I turn by attention back to playing with my little Harry Potter figurines.

At 8am he kisses the ugliest girl I have ever seen in my life at his doorstep. He is dressed in only his boxer shorts, my heart skips a beat at the sight of his bare chest. As the girl crosses the road to her taxi, I casually throw a stone in her direction. God I hate her even more than I hated yesterday's slut.

Just before 9am I use the spare key I successfully stole some months ago to open the door of Radder's expensive car and hide under neither the driver's seat as I do everyday. Today I even remember to relock the car to stop Daniel's confusion.

We arrive at the Farnham set and I pull on my disguise complete with moustache and skin paint.

I was able to dress up as an Asian man and fool the production team into giving me a job as a tea boy. This means I get to serve drinks to Dan and his fellow actors all day long. I love it when I hand him the cup and his hand accidentally brushes against mine. It is things like that that I live for. I always remember to spit into that whore Emma Watson's cup. I hate her, she makes it so obvious she fancy Daniel, as if he would ever go out with a flat chested snob like her.

Later I find myself hidden under the table of some swanky restaurant as Daniel and tonight's slut play footsie. Thinking fast I tie his shoe laces together. When he gets up to use the loo he trips over and the slut makes her excuses and leaves. mwahhhhhhh.

11pm and here I am in my bush once again. Being a stalker is hard but days like today make it all worth it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more