Life Time Sentence For 'Lizard Murderer'
USA - Don Von Helton, the infamous conspiracy theorist who murdered a 20 year old from Germany, mistaking him for a reptilian, has been sentenced to a li...Read full story
Secret Marilyn Monroe film 'a fake cover for Jackie and Lyndon B Johnson'
New York - (Naked Ass Mess): The 15 minute 16mm home movie auctioned for $1.5 million today of Marilyn Monroe performing an intimate act on John F Kennedy is a fake.Read full story
Lose Weight And Win A Cash Prize
Overweight people could soon be paid to drop the pounds under a new government drive to reduce the obesity epidemic in the UK.Read full story
Shortage of fast-foods causing riots, instability and anarchy in America
From Los Angeles to Las Vegas; from Seattle to Savannah; from Tallahassee to Tijuana or from Boise to Birmingham, the story is the same. Soaring costs and excessive shortages of fast-foods have caused bitter, antipathy-ridden, religious, gun...Read full story
JK might wizard up 8th book
Harry Potter creator JK Rowling admits she could have a 'weak moment' and agree to write an eighth book . But the author, believed to be worth over £600 million, said that the boy wizard is unlikely to be the main character and possibly would...Read full story
Bath, the New 'Bay of Pigs'
The Georgian city of Bath in Somerset has just taken delivery of more than 60 pig sculptures to raise awareness of a 3,000-year-old legend, which tells how King Bladud founded the spa town. He is reputed to have discovered the healin...Read full story
"Buddhist Monk took me up the Kyber Pass" claims Leicester lass
With Buddhist Monks now all the rage due to their heroics in Tibet, Samantha Morgan, 20, from Leicester, England warns against their 'other worldly charms'. Pregnant with Holy man Lama Loka Panesh's child she told our reporter yesterday,Read full story
Santa Claus' Secret Identity Revealed
Santa Claus, also known as Father Christmas and Kris Kringle, will now be forced to use his birth name of Claus von Midgetporn, the owner and manager of Claus' House of Merriment, an adult novelties store in Avenel, New Jersey. This is all thank...Read full story
New prize to rival Nobel Prize
It has been announced that a panel of judges are awaiting nominations for "The most innocent person on earth". The winner is going to be announced at a gala function, to be held on the 1st of April 2009, that will rival the Oscar ceremonies...Read full story
Woman Dumps Boyfriend, Citing That He has No Money, No Future and Is Crap In Bed
A Croatian woman has dumped her long-term boyfriend after alleging that they are extremely incompatible and that their relationship was going "nowhere".Read full story
McCain Offers Spare Mansions to Homeless
Belle Aire - Republican Presidential candidate John Sidney McCain III has a planto solve the housing crisis: let homeless people camp near one of his mansions.Read full story
Alicia Keys - "Gangsta Rap A Conspiracy"
Grammy Award winning singer, Alicia Keys, has stated that she believes Gangsta Rap was a government controlled conspiracy; a ploy to convince black people to kill each other. Furthermore, she states, the dispute betw...Read full story
Benedict XVI nixes Bush xliii birthday bash
On or about April 15, 2008, a guy named Joseph Ratzinger, who recently became Benedict XVI, will arrive in the USA at or near Andrews Air Force Base, Maryland. He will be met by a guy named George W. Bush who recently became Presnint W xliii.Read full story
Persian Cat To Be Given Full Military Burial
In an effort to appease the homeowner of a cat killed by an errant artillery shell near a testing range in Rockaway Township, New Jersey, the United States Army has agreed to fulfil the wishes of cat owner Cheryl Angle. The cat, Sarah, will be buried...Read full story
Fed Researcher Discovers Substance More Plentiful Than Sand
A research assistant at the Federal Reserve Board, Stanley Mouch, in Washington DC last night discovered a substance which be believes is more numerous than all the grains of sand on the entire plant earth.Read full story
Hillary Clinton - Supreme Ruler
(CBS News) - In documents uncovered from Universal Press Syndicate it has been discovered that in the event that Barack Obama should win the General Election President Bush will utilize a little-known clause in the constitution, declare Martial Law,...Read full story
Abuse group claims Bush and Pope's orgy of cover-ups
Washington AC/DC - (Under the Holy Carpet Mess): More than half a million parents are expected to protest at George W Bush and the Pope's 'orgy' of more than 40 years' child molestor cover-ups as the Pontiff prepares for his five day...Read full story
Wills and Harry banned from Beijing Games
Buckingham Palace - (Ass Mess): Wills and Harry have been banned from going to the Olympics after the Chinese found out they have had 'I Love The Dalai Llama' cartoons tattooed on their bottoms.Read full story
Hillary and Obama's War of Words Continues as Pennsylvania's Primary Draws Closer
With Pennsylvania's Primary coming up very quickly, the war of words between Hillary and Obama remains unabated. Hillary now accuses the Halfrican of being elitist and divisive, because of his comments of small town America's bitterness and d...Read full story
English language reaches three millionth word mark!
Yesterday, the UK Government officially welcomed the word 'Celebutante' into the English language by presenting it with the prestigious Wow-a-new-Word award.Read full story
Give It Away Gordon
Gordon Brown, in another of his fits of magnanimity, has promised £100 million for the purchase of mosquito nets for the people of Africa. This latest pledge comes in the wake of £825 million to India, £500 million to Palestine and £300 + to the Sud...Read full story
Fury at supermarket's Tampax Starter Kit for 7 year-olds
London - (Ass Mess): A supermarket chain has been pilloried for adding a seven year-olds' Tampax Starter Kit to its much-panned junior trainer bra.Read full story
Japanese Miss Whaling Target - Greenpeace Fetor Blamed
Greenpeace has succeeded in ensuring the Japanese whaling fleet's total catch was below quota.Read full story
Skegness Family Finally Get Closure
A Skegness family who have suffered over 60 years of abuse and ridicule over their Grandfather's conviction and execution for treason have been told by the MoD that it was 'All A Big Mistake'.Read full story
Russia tests stuffed rabbits for Mars trip
They won't utter Yuri Gagarin's famous phrase "Let's go!" - but plucky stuffed bunny rabbits are being groomed for a trip to Mars. The colorful assortment of stuffed rabbits will be the first to experience the radiation that poses a big risk to a...Read full story
Holocaust train draws guilt-ridden German hypocrites in droves
A train exhibition commemorating the thousands of children murdered by Germans and Poles during WWII is spending a leisurely second day in predominantly gentile post-war Berlin.Read full story
Cardiff Guaranteed Place in UEFA Cup
Cardiff City FC have been thrown another life line to play in EUFA Cup next season, official sources have confirmed.Read full story
No One Will Attend Beijing Opening Ceremony - Except Pixie Geldorf
London: In an international stampede of alleged social consciousness started by Gordon Brown, no one will attend the opening ceremony of the 2008 Olympics.Read full story
Gerry and Kate McCann invite Shannon Mathews Mum Karen and Step Dad Craig to Child Mind on their next holiday
Gerry and Kate McCann, who admit to not looking after the daughter Maddie properly, while on holiday at Praia da Luz during May 2007, have invited Shannon Mathews Mum Karen, and her Step Dad Craig Meehan to look after their twin siblings Sean and Ame...Read full story
To Constitution or not to Constitution, that is the question.
Whether tis freedom limited to rhetoric and laughter, To ignore centralized economic planning...Read full story
Every Nation to Boycott Every Other Nation's Olympics!
The end of the Olympics appears to be imminent as every nation has found reason to boycott every other nation's Olympics.Read full story
Iraq Turns to Serbia for Weapons Since Bush Only Sends Slingshots!
The US puppet government in what was once Iraq and is now thought of as the fifty-first US welfare state has shown some independence recently by making an arms deal with Serbia. The multi million dollar purchase of weapons was made without US colonia...Read full story
Benedict of Bavaria: A New Barbarian Sacks Rome! Now Heads For NYC!
As in the days of Northern and Eastern European barbaric tribes invading the civilized regions of cosmopolitan Rome, the Roman Catholic Church has been invaded first by a Polish Hun and now by a Germanic Visigoth. For Catholics with a long memory, Go...Read full story
Black Charlie Is the Power Behind Johnny McBush!
The Straight Talk Express Bus of Repub Candie Johnny McBush, it turns out, is being driven by Black Charlie, one of the dirtiest blackguards in conservative politics for over thirty years.Read full story
Obama Comes Down with Hoof And Mouth!
If you look in the dictionary under stupid political moves for the first possible black president, there is a passage that reads: "Whatever you do, do NOT tell poor whites that their guns, religion and xenophobia is something that they 'clin...Read full story
Gospel According To Sir Bob
He has already been hailed as a saint for his campaigning work on African poverty - and now it seems many people think Sir Bob Geldof actually wrote the Bible.Read full story
Shagfest Causes Global Meltdown
A new study from Australia has shown that rather than assisting to reduce global warming, Earth Hour, where everyone turned off their lights to reduce the greenhouse effect, actually increased the earths near surface air temperature...Read full story
Parachute of D. B. Cooper Identified
While speculation that a newly uncovered parachute was that of the infamous D. B. Cooper, hopes were dashed when the material and age of the parachute proved it could not have been used by D. B. Cooper.Read full story
Ben Affleck and Matt Damon Join 'Hobbit' Cast
It's official, after months of negotiations, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon have signed on to the upcoming feature film adaptation of Tolkien's "The Hobbit" last weekend.Read full story
Trojan Stock Down On Smaller Condom Sales
Trojan, a favorite play in the sexual health sector, reported reduced earnings in the first quarter of 2008 after condom sales shrank. CEO Candy Striper blamed the youth market, saying that young women today don't put out like they used to.Read full story
Shrek Charged With DUI
Hollywood hero Shrek was arrested in Malibu yesterday on a DUI charge. Reports indicate he had a blood alcohol content (BAC) of 0.09, just over the legal limit. Prosecutors in Los Angeles County say that while the BAC was not that high, the effect is...Read full story
Police Use Radar Eyes For Speeding Tickets
Police in New York have adopted a new technology for catching speeders - radar eyes. Citing past problems with external radar and laser devices, Superintendent Harry Corbett of the State Police said that the implantable radar eyes will be far superio...Read full story