Report says Children are Depressed

Funny story written by Steddyeddy

Thursday, 24 April 2008

image for Report says Children are Depressed
Hand's up who's depressed? Don't worry - Father O'Ryan's on the way

According to research carried out by BBC children's television programme, Newsround, children are depressed by modern society.

Meanwhile, it seems that parents are equally depressed by the modern BBC, although not as depressed as they could be if that (or is it 'those') bloody Aunt and Dreck were on BBC1, with one looking semi-comatose (the tall one), the other (the less tall one) acting like he has ingested some kind of illegal substance or has St Vitas Dance.

Anyway, back to the story.

Preliminary research carried out amongst middle teenage children found that their key worries centred predominantly around:

  • lack of phone credit
  • whether their Ugg boots were real, and if they were encouraging "hip" enough walking disorders (pronation, supination, falling-over, stupidity etc)
  • if, in their absence from home, the Sky+ box was recording the set half-witted, American programmes
  • how to gain access to pubs
  • whether the i-Pod has enough battery for the day
  • how to obtain money, alcohol and cigarettes without the involvement of the clergy and a box of tissues
  • if their hair is Ok as they are beaten with a pipe and videod by phone for U-Tube
  • being dropped off in plain view at the youth club by a parent
  • watching a parent dance to a Status Quo record at a family wedding
  • the reaction from parents when introduced to the inanimate, scruffy, smelly, grunting object brought home as a boyfriend/girlfriend

Professor Richard Angst of the McDonald King Institute in Kentucky explained:

"30 years ago, peer pressure amongst children centred around bicycles, winning at school games, haircuts and why Peter came back from Father O'Ryan's study with a broken fly zip, ten pounds and a big smile on his face.

"Today it is very different. If it's not on a Playstation type X-Boxy sort of Nintendo thing, they don't want to know. I know this. Take it from me."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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