ARLINGTON, VA - As part of an initiative to streamline patient care and make it more affordable to anyone who seeks it, the American Psychiatric Association has eliminated all but one mental disorder from its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).
According to the new DSM guidelines, the only remaining mental disorder diagnosis is called Diminishing Returns Syndrome, formerly known as life. DRS follows a biphasic course that is nearly uniform in all patients.
Primary DRS, formerly known as childhood, typically presents at birth and persists for twenty years in the average patient. Symptoms include growing, eating ravenously, running around, jumping, knocking over things, spilling stuff, laughing at embarrassing noises, antagonizing secondary DRS sufferers, and thinking creatively. Left untreated, symptoms gradually abate with the onset of symptoms of secondary DRS, but with today's two income families, who has time to wait for that?
Ritalin is the drug of choice for primary DRS. It has been clinically proven to eliminate most symptoms associated with the early phase of the disease.
Secondary DRS, formerly known as adulthood, has its onset at approximately twenty years of age. Symptoms include weight gain, anger, sadness, hair loss, mounting debts, wrinkled skin, hearing loss, and feelings of resentment or envy towards primary DRS sufferers. These symptoms appear gradually as the symptoms of primary DRS begin to fade. They progressively worsen over a period of fifty-five to sixty years on average, then resolve suddenly. Unfortunately, this remarkable healing process is also accompanied by death.
Prozac is the drug of choice for secondary DRS sufferers. While no more effective than placebo in improving the actual symptoms, Prozac has been proven effective in causing patients to stop caring if they're just a bunch of fat, balding, debilitated debt slaves with nothing to look forward to.
