Langley, Virginia - (Lurid Ass Mess): US spooks said today that simpering peroxide dickhead Heather Mills is KGB hooker responsible for helping Iran with its nuclear program.
"We caught her back in 2000," a top intelligence official told Congress today, "laundering millions to the Ayatollahs on behalf of former Sordid Arabian ambassador to the US Prince Bandar.
"He then dumped her after a blazing kickbacks row. So she promptly infected one of his prize camels with a mutant STD strain in a classic revenge attack.
"The woman's a psycho."
The Congressional committee then heard how Mills soon latched on to McCartney after someone pulled her leg about his £800 million fortune.
The CIA's testimony has also alleged Mills groomed North Korea into helping Syria in its own nuclear reactor program quest.
"She then grassed up Syria's President Assad to Mossad for a five million dollar fee to the Heather Mills charitable foundation," the CIA official continued.
"Israel reacted quickly and sent in fighter planes last September to bomb the shit out of the reactor.
"We now think she's building her own plutonium enrichment facility under that new house of hers in the Hampshire countryside in England."