Impressed with 'The Pet Goat,' while reading it during the horrific 9-11 attack on the World Trade Center, and fully impressed by the just-released Laura and Jenna Bush children's book (meant for 4-8 year olds), 'Read All About It,' after his seventh read through, Mr. Bush said he's ready. He will now launch his writing career. In a just- issued News Release, the President said, "If Obama, Hillary, Bubba, and those dumb political punders can crank out quick drivel, then why can't I?"
So, instead of waiting for his term to end next January 20, the U.S. Commander in Chief has signed an eight-digit book deal with Randome House. He will start with "basic and simple books to teach our kids the history of my Presidency and of the Americas. The intellectual fiction will come later. Or is that non fiction? I can write both, you know."
Mr. Bush will make a rare appearance soon on 'Larry King Live' and reveal titles already worked up. Each book will target third grade through freshmen in high school, adjusted for reading level. "The array of subject matter will astound the American family," a strutting Mr. Bush proudly proclaimed. "You know I'm a natural writer; it's a gift to be able to think like a little brat or a big political brat. Just take that Mr. Zipper Clinton. 50 mill from his pedestrian passerby writing and hollow speeches! Gimmee a break! And, Hillary's stuff is a no brainy. 'It Takes A Village?' To do what? What? Where's the rest of the damned title? I tell ya, just gimmee a laptop and I'm a Hemingfield!"
Our reporters have gotten their hands on Bush titles that will lead to infantile writing, probably in hard cover, overpriced, and no more than 50 pages each. Bush wants illustrations "similarly to those found in Dr. Zoo's 'The Bat in the Hat.'"
Titles of some of Mr. Bush's books(titles are as written by Mr. Bush, himself):
Mr. Cheney Gets A Bunker
How The President Fires A Bad Person
Learn All About Gridlox And Bagels
Gonzales Was A Very Bad Guy Who Lied A Lot
Why The Congress Loves Me
Karl Rove Was Really Neat
Bushy Is Just Like Mr. Rogers
Let's Talk About Donnie Rumsfeld
Why I Had To Invade That Terrible Iraq
Sometimes The President Is Lied To
Why Mr. Bush Doesn't Trust The FBI, CIA, And NSA
That INS Guy Quit Because He Let Bad Guys Shoot From A Car
Laura, The Nicest Mommy Ever In The White House
Don't Ever Shoot A Shotgun In Somebody's Face
What Mr. Clinton Taught Me About Nice Plump Ladies
How The President Talks English Very Good
You, Too, May Someday Start A War
Famous Things I Say To People Everyday
The Presidential Troops Take A Village And Level It
Sometimes Bad People Get Hanged
Mr. President's Favorite Comic Books
Why The President Likes Crayons and Coloring
Why The President Is So Important
How I Fly A Jet Very Good
I Once Flew Onto Abraham Lincoln
How Tax Dollars Have Brought Nice Things To Iraq
Mr. Bush Tells All About That Funny Florida Of 2004
Why The President Must Put Ketchup On All His Food
Bushy Stops Eating Beans And Helps Stop Global Warming
Why Chemical Ali Was A Toxic Guy
Sometimes The President Is A Couch Potato
Let's Talk About Skull and Bones
Well, there you have a taste of kid's books to appear this year from Mr. Bush. Our reporters have also learned that Mr. Bush's first big-person book will be about why Republicans are always better than Democrats.
(story by Jesse Japton, Jr.)
