PA primary win takes Clinton one step closer to holding Bible for McCain

Funny story written by Steve Shives

Thursday, 24 April 2008

PHILADELPHIA - Senator Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign picked up a much-needed victory in the Pennsylvania Democratic primary last night. Clinton topped rival Barack Obama, claiming 55% of the popular vote to Obama's 45%, gaining 80 of the state's 158 pledged delegates, and moved ever closer to her ultimate goal of holding the Bible for John McCain at the Republican's inauguration on January 20, 2009.

"The road to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue leads straight through Pennsylvania," Clinton told cheering supporters here last night after the returns were in. "Thanks to your support, the tide is turning in our favor. This January, we're going to send a clear message to the rest of the world as I hold the Bible while John McCain is administered the oath of office: Times have changed!"

Clinton, who by refusing to quit the race in favor of frontrunner and inevitable Democratic nominee Obama has virtually guaranteed an easy victory for McCain in the November general election, spoke to the crowd about her superior experience, which she claims makes her the most qualified candidate to play a minor supporting role in the inauguration ceremony. "I've been up on that platform before," she said, "many, many, many times. I was there holding the Bible for my husband in 1997, in 1993, when he was sworn in as Governor of Arkansas in 1991, and 1987, and 1985, and 1983, and 1979! I've never dropped the Bible, I've never left the house with another book by mistake - I'm tested, I'm ready!"

Reached for comment following Clinton's Pennsylvania win, Republican presidential nominee John McCain expressed appreciation for the attacks launched against Senator Obama by the Clinton campaign. Asked about the possibility of Clinton holding the Bible for his inauguration, McCain refused to commit. "Obviously, I'm very appreciative to Senator Clinton for all the heavy lifting she's doing for me against Senator Obama," McCain said. "But the question of who will hold the Bible for my oath of office hasn't really been settled yet. I certainly acknowledge Senator Clinton's experience, but I believe my lovely wife Cindy would also be interested."

Other possibilities suggested for who might hold the Bible include a group of former Vietnam prisoners of war, and 1996 Republican presidential nominee Bob Dole, who "would love to just be up there," McCain said.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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