Corrupt Bastards blamed for Dallas gas blasts as DC House Committee votes Contempt of Congress citations
Dallas, Texas - (Ass Mess): The Corrupt Bastards Club fired off a series of warning salvos in Dallas, Texas today in a sequence of powerful industrial gas tank explosions timed to coincide with events in Washington DC where the House Judiciary Commit...
Read full storyAxl Rose"Slash's hair caused the band to break up"
Hollywood,Ca.(Rooters) In a shocking statement today Axl Rose's assistant's assistant's cousin told the L.A.Times that his cousin told him that Axl Rose told his cousin the real reason the original Guns N' Roses broke up. "Yeah, I was like on the...
Read full storySize Zero model defends herself from Hospital Bed
Top Size Zero model Lily Cole has today hit back at her critics suggesting that there was nothing unhealthy about her lifestyle.
Read full storyThieves raking in on iPhone crack
A design flaw in the software of the sensational new iPhone is allowing criminals complete access to their handhelds. Victims are being billed by offshore companies while thieves steal whatever they want from the devices.
Read full story'Lone Building' Theory in Dallas Explosions
DALLAS (Heewack News Network) -- Investigators at the site of a series of explosions in central Dallas said they believe a "lone building" was responsible for the mayhem.
Read full story"Atlas Shrieked" monologue big hit
Los Angeles - A relatively unknown actor is capitalizing on the recent surge in sales of Ayn Rand's popular fiction novel "Atlas Shrugged" by turning the 1,084-page tome into a one-man show recited at the top of his lungs. Affectionately titled "A...
Read full storyMark Lowton Indicted on Brutality Charges
Wealthy and powerful newspaper mogul Mark Lowton was indicted yesterday by Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Mark was represented by former O.J. lawyer Robert Shapiro.
Read full storyTime Outs Ruled Unconstitutional
(San Francisco) - The ultra-liberal 9th Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled that time outs for children are unconstitutional and constitute abusive, cruel and unusual punishment.
Read full storyBooby Darling, instead of Pratibha Patil, as Indian President
It's regrettable that Pratibha Patil become India's President, and was preferred over Booby Darling. Here are the reasons why I thought Booby Darling would have been a much better choice:...
Read full storyThe Spoof Approves Large Raise for Productive Writers
London, England (IP) - News emanating from the Tower of London reveals that many TheSpoof.com writers are to receive a fifty per cent increase in their pay. The CEO of The Spoof spoke to us while he was aboard his private Gulfstream VII jet. He rea...
Read full storyU.S. Judge Admits Unfair System
New York, New York (IP) - An interview with an off duty judge has revealed what many have suspected: there have been two standards of justice in effect for as long as there have been courts.
Read full storyFarts stink up Dallas
DALLAS, Texas (Rooters) -- A smell of human gas at a facility that researches farts is making people drop like flies near downtown Dallas. At least two thousand people were injured, hospital officials said.
Read full storyAl Qaeda Comes to its Senses
Tantrum State, Pakistan (IP) - An historic event occurred today in Pakistan that promises to bring about world peace and calm to the Middle East and the West.
Read full storyLost dog kills 2,000 by farting
SYDNEY, Australia - A dog that vanished two months ago has been found to have killed 2,000 by farting, media reported Wednesday.
Read full story476 People Die at 2007 Woodstock Music Festival
Woodstock, New York (IP) - Shocking reports filtering out of upstate New York indicate that almost 500 people have lost their lives at the modern day Woodstock Rock festival.
Read full storyU-boat up the U-bend
The flood catastrophe that struck many towns and cities in England was totally avoidable, according to a sewage worker in Croydon.
Read full storyHighway to Hull
Residents of Hull have reacted angrily to reports emanating from Gloucester that the West County has the best flood in England.
Read full storyBush "has a disgusting secret" in London MPs are told
London - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Members of a Parliamentary Ethics Committee preparing to hear police evidence in the recent cash-for-peerages inquiry have been told that no charges were prought by the Crown Prosecution Service because it was prot...
Read full storyHillary Clinton Gets Lead Role in New Hilton Sex tape
Hollywood,Ca. (Rooters) A source close to Hillary Clinton has stated in a phone call with the L.A.Times that she will be in the new Paris Hilton sex tape.
Read full storyFlood Victim Doesn't Blame Government
A Humberside woman whose home was submerged and her possessions ruined by the recent floods is not expecting the government to bail her out, it has been revealed.
Read full storySan Francisco taxi driver slams No #666 registration as satanic
San Francisco, California - (Rotters): A San Francisco taxi driver, Michael Byrne, is suing the city's official Taxi Commission after it allocated him what he calls a demonic badge number that registers his cab as No 666.
Read full storyGood News for Overweight Americans
(Washington) - With 60% of the American public being overweight the Federal Bureau of Weights and Standards today announced that federal policies and standards will be adapted to accommodate overweight and obese men, women and children in the U.S.
Read full storyPenelope Cruz lashes out at fake mascara claims
Hollywood - (Ass Mess): Penelope Cruz has lashed out at the fake eyelashes ad furor saying that far from misleading the public the L'Oreal mascara she promotes has made her more beautiful, talented, sexually irresistible and multiply-orgasmic as...
Read full storyNorwegian psychic princess senses a nice little earner
Oslo, Norway - (Preposterous Mess): A Norwegian psychic princess says she has developed a rare paranormal talent for reading people's minds and knows who can be persuaded to part with up to £2,000 to study on her daftass ESP course.
Read full storyEd-E-torial 16: Dr. Monica Lewinsky? Paris Hilton Mingles With Seamen.
(London-England) Former Presidential stained intern Monica Lewinsky has received her Masters Degree from the London School of Economics. While some were skeptical the wide pelvis intern actually earned the degree from the prestigious institution, her doctoral mentor, Professor Rusty Trombone, dispelled any doubt when he released the following statement, "Her written dissertation was a little shaky...
Read full storyTour de France Rider passes a drugs test shock
The Tour De France was rocked again to-day with the amazing news that Gaston Pricard, number two rider with Team Clean has passed a drugs test following his unexpected win in the uphill/down hill, time trial.
Read full storyPaperless Toilet
Environmental Engineers from the WC Crapper Foundation have announced they have secured major private equity funding to complete the development of the world first paperless loo.
Read full storyChav Famine Threatens Gloucestershire
Following the mass floods seen in parts of Gloucestershire new fears of a mass famine affecting chavs across the county have come to light.
Read full storyPension age raised again - Work 'till you drop message
Quietly announced at the back door of No.10 Downing Street at 0600 this morning, the State Pension Age has been raised to 89, in an effort to head off Britain's pension crisis.
Read full story"We've Arrived:" Maroon 5 Celebrates Inclusion on "Kidz Bop 12"
LOS ANGELES (Heewack News Network) -- Recording artists Maroon 5 partied long into the night upon learning that their current hit, "Makes Me Wonder," made the final cut for inclusion on the newly released CD "Kidz Bop 12."...
Read full storyMagnetic polarity reverse will cause chaos
Scientists working for Magnetic Obervatory of Reversal of North (M.O.R.O.N.) have confirmed the worlds magnetic polarity is reversing.
Read full story'Chuck & Larry' get 'License to Wed' from Gay marriage counselor before tying the knot, yet movie critics still want annulment
Hollywood, California - To ensure Adam Sandler's new movie, "Chuck and Larry," a light-hearted comedy romance that uses the topical same sex marriages as its comedic foil, was not offensive to Gays in anyway, admittedly a Gay/Lesbian right's group wa...
Read full storyNew Bible uncovered - could outsell Harry Potter
A church jumble sale revealed a first edition copy of the bible, it was discovered today.
Read full storyMr & Mrs Andre Name Their Daughter
Pop star Peter Andre and his buxom wife Katie Price, pronounced J-O-R-D-A-N, have named their wonderful new bouncing baby girl Princess Tiaamii.
Read full storyThe Spoof writer "Too Drunk"
England, 25/7 - A writer for "The Spoof" who regularly contributes up to three items per day is said to be still drunk at his desk this morning. The writer was understood to have consumed a large amount of alcohol the night before, and was...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Arrested For Emulating Paris Hilton
Pathetic actress Lindsay Lohan has been arrested in California by Santa Monica police on suspicion of trying to emulate celebrity heiress Paris Hilton, who was sent to jail recently for a pitifully short time...
Read full storyT-shirts pulled; dubbed offensive by Latina shoppers
New York, New York - Tracy's was forced to pull T-shirts Latina shoppers reported as offensive from their chain of nationwide retail stores today. The T-shirts were meant as a joke, say store representatives. However, they ended up offending Latn...
Read full storyChina surpass the U.S
Beijing: Reports confirm today that united states of America are no longer the G.D.P capital of the world as they have been surpassed by China and experts believe that soon would be surpassed by India who now sit comfortable in third...
Read full storyFinicky Fast-Foodie Blurs Lines Between Gourmet and Ascetic
Columbus, Ohio (The Scallion) - Dirk Poutine is a Quick Service Restaurant (QSR) connoisseur who likes his french fries hot and fast, just like his women. The inaugural episode of his new television show 'Dining in Style on Ten Dollars per Day&#...
Read full storyParis Hilton planning new sex tape
Hollywood,Ca. (Ass Mess) - Party girl Paris Hilton has announced today that she is planning a new sex tape.
Read full storyLindsay Lohan falls off the wagon and jumps behind the wheel; arrested two blocks away from the Santa Monica Police Dept.
Santa Monica, California - Lindsay Lohan, who was just released form rehab two weeks ago, was shortly arrested thereafter just two blocks away of the Santa Monica Police Department last night.
Read full storyGuns N' Roses fan goes on a hunger strike
While fans of the rock band Guns N' Roses await for the release of the long awaited album "Chinese Democracy" one fan of the band going by the name of Billy Adler said today that he would be going on a hunger strike until Axl Rose decid...
Read full storyBritney Spears Blows Her Nose on Designer Dresses
On a recent photo shoot for OK magazine, Britney Spears was reported to have been a total meltdown.
Read full storyLindsay Lohan, Naked in Latest Arrest, Tried Propositioning Police
Lindsay Lohan's latest rampage ended in an arrest yesterday. It seems Lohan was chasing the mother of her assistant that she fired earlier that day. Lohan chased the mother into a empty parking lot one block from the Santa Monica police station a...
Read full storyAl Gore: Alberto Gonzales is an alien clone
Al Gore claims that embattled U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was replaced with a clone by aliens. Gonzales, who at one time worked as a stage hand on American Idol, is said to love animals. Anna Nicole Smith was rumored to have compared his compassionate qualities to Barack Obama. The BBC's Big Brother reality TV show featured a set of breasts that in fact turned out to be die-cast m...
Read full storyPresence of All Colors Yields 'Hot Pink' (and not 'Pure White' as previously thought)
Easton, Pennsylvania (Reuterus) - Color experts at Crayola Headquarters have confirmed that the presence of all colors in the visible spectrum actually produces a hue of 'hot pink' and not 'pure white'.
Read full storyRon Jeremy and Pete the Porno Puppet Warn kids: 'Don't watch Porn, until your 18!'
Northridge, California - In an attempt to reduce the number of children exposed to pornography in today's voyeuristic society by multimedia savvy kids, porno, turned crossover reality TV, star, Ron Jeremy has teamed up with a children's puppe...
Read full storyJet lag turns Beckham into child again
A freak accident has caused football superstar David Beckham to regress into a 4-year old child.
Read full storyThe Corner Shop (Sketch)
A woman has just opened up a shop in a new (out in the sticks town) . There is a queue at the till.
Read full storyBedtime Story For Lickle Babies
Once upon a time there lived 2 little boy's called Kyle & Jack.
Read full storyMary Stockbridge 30/05/1925 - 27/03/2001 - Memories (Sketch)
8 year old Charley is on the sofa at her nanny's for the day. Nanny is sitting on the armchair knitting away. A big tin of scrummy biscuits are on the coffee table. Granddad is on the other armchair.
Read full storyMummy & Toddler (Sketch)
Mummy is in the living room, with her 2 (and a weeny bit) year old toddler.
Read full storyWarm the Preacher (Sketch)
Martin is going door to door. Having had 21 slammed in his face he arrives at no 22. A house owned by Enid & Edna. He raps on the knocker.
Read full storyGas & Poison (Sketch)
Joan has popped to the retirement home to see her mother Mary. Mary is in the television room with several other residents. Joan takes a seat next to her.
Read full story