Second Study of U.S. Administration Communications Released
Researchers from St. Andrews University in Scotland published a paper on the "Linguistical Interactions Between Primary and Secondary level Administrative Offices of the U.S Legislature for Communication to the American Voter" in the New Sc...
Read full storyPrinceton President Pilfers Prized Papers from Parsonage
Princeton President Paul Purdue possibly pilfered prized papers from Pentwhistle Parsonage in Philadelphia. Policeman Perry Pines postulated the pilfering possibly pre-dated prolonged parties and pantyraids with Pittsburgh Penguins President Peter P...
Read full storyManchester United Signs Fetus Still in Womb
MANCHESTER, England (Heewack News Network) -- Manchester United continued its flurry of off-season activity by announcing it had signed Fetus McCLetus, the soon-to-be son of Mary and Kenneth McCletus of Woking.
Read full storyRon Paul Mails Out Political Pictures With "Spanking the Monkey Instructions"?
Presidential candidate Ron Paul used his congressional postal rights and mailed out three hundred promotional pictures of himself (to all of his supporters) along with instructions for masturbating to his picture, boxes of tissue, and bottles of vase...
Read full storyU.S. Men Prefer Bikinis To Wedding Dresses
In a recent poll of 100,000 U.S. males a surprising number of men revealed that they found women wearing bikinis more sexually attractive than women wearing wedding gowns.
Read full storyPrince Harry bitten by tarantula on holiday
Botswana - (Ass mess) A spider related to the African strain of the tarantula family reportedly bit holidaying Prince Harry on the ass yesterday, and had to be put down after contracting food poisoning.
Read full storyBritney Spears Claims Virginity Again
Britney Spears, who claimed virginity up through her marriage to ex-husband Kevin Federline, has publically declared that she is once again a virgin. Stating that she is chaste, moral, and pure in her life and not a "skanky ho," Spears said that she...
Read full storyNew Space Shuttle Debris Found in Orbit
More remains of the space shuttle Columbia have been found above the earth. A toilet seat that survived the blast is in a stationary orbit over Southern California.
Read full storyRussian spooks claim US "Mothman" acoustic gun destroyed Minneapolis bridge
Bloodyvostok, Russia - (Pravda): The science arm of Russian intelligence has claimed that Wednesday's Minneapolis freeway bridge collapse disaster was caused by a Pentagon acoustic weapon burst just like the one in the 1967 destruction of the Sil...
Read full storyHottie Shows Boobs At Mall, Gets Arrested
A hot, beautiful, busty 20-year-old Swedish female pop singer was arrested today by mall police for flashing her boobs in the Glendale Galleria, located in Glendale, California, a suburb of Los Angeles.
Read full storyCelebrity Saturation News Soothes the Western Mind
Hollywood, California (IP) - Americans and other members of western society are being bombarded daily with inane news about their favorite movie and sports stars. Propaganda and mass communication specialist Ebenezer Finootch was asked why this phen...
Read full storyObama Threatens Discrimination Lawsuit if He Isn't Nominated and Elected
Senator Obama, a leading candidate for the Democratic Party Presidential Nomination, has declared that he will sue his party on charges of racial discrimination if he is not nominated. Further, he has stated that he will sue the United States of Ame...
Read full storyBush uses 'charades' to talk
Washington DC - (Ass Mess): The Presidential communication method of George W Bush resembles a game of charades, a study suggests.
Read full storyTaliban Personnel Lacking in Social Skills
Palm Beach High School, West Palm Beach, Florida (IP) - Social studies teacher Ebenezer Finootch has written an informative book describing how members of the Taliban may be lacking in some social skills. Mr. Finootch has been studying this issue in...
Read full storyFirms withdraw BNP Fascistbook ads
Cyberspace - (Ass Mess): The controversial wingnut networking website Fascistbook.com has confirmed that six major firms have withdrawn advertising material after they appeared on a British National Party page.
Read full storyHoliday Hell: Bags Held Up At London's Heathrow Airport
London Heathrow's Terminal 4 was closed down today after the British Prime Minister convened an emergency meeting of Cobra, the UK government's civil contingencies committee.
Read full storyParis Hilton To Open Rehab Facility: Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears to be First Clients!
In Los Angelos today it was good news for lost starlets struggling to stay sober. Paris Hilton has started the first of what will be a chain of rehab centers, called "Tough Love", to be located at Hilton Resorts around the world.
Read full storyHam Radios Found to be Edible
Dayton, Ohio (IP) Ham operator and experimenter KR4ZYNU7 has been doing a lot of ham radio experimentation as he waits out the next 11 year solar cycle peak.
Read full storyTaliban Opening Up T-Bay Cyber Auction Site
Taliban City, Talibania (IP) - On the scene reporter Ebenezer Finootch reports that Taliban industries has announced the grand opening of a cyber auction site that will be called T-bay. Mr. Finootch reports that it will resemble the very popular and...
Read full storyWas Brian May's PhD astronomy thesis the brains behind Virgin's rocket disaster?
London - (Asstronomy Mess): FBI investigators probing last week's fatal Virgin Intergalactic rocket blast have shifted their probe to Queen guitarist Brian May who is reported today to have handed in his astronomy PhD thesis for consideration by...
Read full storyAmerican Idle going to Afghanistan
Islamsobad, Afghanistan (IP) - Ebenezer Finootch, our on the scene entertainment reporter, had to run through some mine fields and dodge both friendly and not so friendly fire to bring us this story. Mr. Finootch was almost bitten by a cobra but luck...
Read full storyEddie Murphy Denies All Knowledge Of Spice Girl Mel B And Her Baby
Hollywood actor Eddie Murphy has claimed in an interview, that he has never even heard of Spice Girl Mel B, let alone fathered her child.
Read full storyVirgin Mary museum slated to open ajacent to Vatican gift shop
(Vatican City, Rome) - Vatican officials say the Blessed Virgin Mary Museum and Coffee Shop is slated to open in the grotto adjacent to the Vatican Gift Shop in mid November of this year.
Read full storyDouble-whammy as Fate stalks Alaska's Corrupt Bastards
Esther Island, Alaska - (Disaster Press): For a Corrupt Bastards Club grandee to lose one pleasure boat in the balmy waters off Alaska is perhaps an understandable misfortune.
Read full storyBig Brother Tracey Thinks Big Brother Is Great (In So Many Words)
Big Brother housemate, social theoriser and modern philosopher Tracey Well'ard, last night spoke about her plans after her time in the show is over.
Read full storyTaliban To Open Hair Salon Chain
Taliban City, Talibania (IP) - Our global news reporter, Ebenezer Finootch, was informed by the Talibanic Public Relations Council that the Taliban will be opening a chain of hair and nail salons. Mr. Finootch advises those persons who would like to...
Read full storyEating Broccoli And Cauliflower Reduces Risk Of Prostate Cancer
Researchers in the US have found that regularly eating broccoli and cauliflower can greatly reduce the risk of developing deadly prostate cancer.
Read full storyManchester United Sign 9-Year-Old Boy To Partner Tevez
Premiership champions Manchester United have made a significant delve into the transfer market this week to purchase a 9-year-old schoolboy to partner their other new signing Carlos Tevez.
Read full storySchool Children Teach Themselves
A school of 8-12 year olds from Bedfordshire have decided to teach themselves. They have sacked their teachers and discharged the headmaster. The school is now run by Adam Picket, 10.
Read full storyStudy Shows Researchers Tired of Conducting Studies
BERKELEY, CA (AP Newsliar) -- A new study conducted by researchers at the University of California at Berkeley has revealed that researchers are sick and tired of conducting studies.
Read full storyWolfWare In London Council Flat
A Wolfware has been discovered hiding out in a council flat in London. The part wolf part ware man, goes by the name of "Growl".
Read full storySmoker's Rebellion: Blackpool Landlord Sentenced
A Blackpool Landlord who persistently allowed his customers to smoke indoors was today sentenced for his crimes.
Read full storyObama Wants US Attack on Pakistan for Big Oil and Israel
WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) - In a major address, Senator Barak Obama was admitted that he is a "dedicated warmonger on behalf of Israel and Big Oil" and would attack Moslems in Pakistan "for the hell of it."...
Read full storyWorlds Oldest Gynecologist Has Seen Over 10 Million Vaginas and Supports Ron Paul!
The world's oldest Gynecologist is Ethan Smith, from Newt, Maine, who is 110 years old this July. He is an avid Ron Paul supporter and claims he has seen so many vaginas he can barely enjoy sex anymore.
Read full storyColditz: a holiday destination with a difference
Colditz Castle, once a prison used to keep Allied POWs is marketing itself as a holiday destination.
Read full storyFailed Films
A look at some films which never made it straight to DVD, let alone to the cinema.
Read full storyIntroducing "Avenue of Glorious Acheivements" by Green Day
Today the well known band called Green Day decided to make a new song called "Avenue of Glorious Achievements." They say that this is to replace their old song of "Boulevard of Broken Dreams."...
Read full storyGrass actually is Greener on the Other Side
Lexington, Kentucky (Weird Science Desk) - Horticulture experts at the University of Kentucky now have definitive proof that grass truly is always greener on the other side.
Read full storyTennessean Appointed Premiere Authority on California
CALIFORNIA (Sacramento Bee) - Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has appointed public television personality Huell Howser to be the new 'Minister of California'. The surprise announcement happened overnight during a press conference in which Sch...
Read full storyEl Avestruz es el ave más grande que ha logrado sobrevivir hasta nuestros días
Estados Unidos (El Sol de Tijuana) - Futbol y nacimiento buenos dias pescado. Con cerveza locales la American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) gracias de nada hombre. El Congreso liquado con huevo noticia manifestaciones los antiinmigrantes ilegal.
Read full storyIran fires missiles at aid workers
It has been released that Iranian troops were given orders to fire missiles at voluntary aid workers.
Read full storySpace Shuttle Discovery launches safely
STS-007 the space shuttle Discovery launched safely due to freak weather conditions which meant that nothing went wrong.
Read full storyNew Drug Promises to Boost Intellectual Ability
There seems to be no end to the pharmaceutical industry's quest to develop medications for any and all maladies afflicting humankind. The latest wonder drug is Cerebrenol, manufactured by the Brazilian pharmaceutical giant Mengele Labs, Inc.
Read full story"Prezzers always good for a prezzer," claims London Mechanic
Folk hero and Sporting legend John Prescott was today praised for his charity work by Kilburn based Car mechanic Les Mitchell.
Read full storyPoor to help the Rich
In a remarkable turn around leaders of the so called "Third World Countries" are meeting next weekend to discuss the "The Spiritual Hunger" that is threatening to destroy the very fabric of Western Society.
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