Failed Films

Funny story written by jomothepure

Friday, 3 August 2007

A look at some films which never made it straight to DVD, let alone to the cinema.

A Landmine is not Just for Christmas

Terry Gilliam directed this pseudo documentary, which aimed to tell the argument of war atrocities from the point of view of the weapons themselves. But whilst the atmosphere created was typically Gilliam-esque, the film failed to attract support for its sympathetic portrayal of weapons. However, Michael Palin turned in a warming performance as Alfred, a landmine send to the Prussian front, where he details his life in the lead up to his being sent to the front line.

Magnetic Attraction

This rom-com flop, penned by Peter Cook just years before his death, stars Hugh Grant as a fridge magnet salesman. He visits a recent divorcee, played by Bonnie Langford, on the day her freezer breaks down. Cue much melting ice and wet T-shirts. Disappointing.

Ambulance Academy

An ill-fated spin-off from the anyway ill-fated Police Academy franchise, John Candy took the lead role as a waffle-loving paramedic from Maine. The far-fetched plot centres around Candy being the only paramedic in the whole of the US who is available to rush to the ill President (played by Steve Martin.) The film soon falls back on the tired road comedy scenario, as Candy's frenetic drive to the Whitehouse is persistently held up by various events of varying humour. Running over a large beaver (Dan Akroyd) and stealing petrol from a narcoleptic gas attendant (Eddie Murphy) sums up the level of wit.

Mum's Army

John Le Mesurier takes on his familiar role as Dad's Army's Sergent Wilson in this poor made-for-the-blind-and-deaf flick. After several members of the Home Guard are quarantined in hospital after handling a continental rodent ("another typical Nazi trick") Le Mesurier is forced to call upon Warmington-on-Seas' female population to fill the depleted ranks of the unit. Joan Rivers is poorly cast as the "don't panic"-type Corporal Jones, whilst Bette Midler seemed bemused by her part as a cockney tight seller.

Carry on Auschwitz

A purile film even by Carry On standards, Kenneth Williams stars as a Nazi officer charged with imprisoning several English prisoners of War. The plot is otherwise almost an exact replica of Carry on Camping, save for an encouraging performance by Brian Blessed as a siren.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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