New Drug Promises to Boost Intellectual Ability

Written by Sal Manella

Friday, 3 August 2007

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Cerebrenol, for cognitive enhancement

There seems to be no end to the pharmaceutical industry's quest to develop medications for any and all maladies afflicting humankind. The latest wonder drug is Cerebrenol, manufactured by the Brazilian pharmaceutical giant Mengele Labs, Inc.

Rather than simply writing about this new drug, I have decided to let the advertisement for Cerebrenol speak for itself:

Do you have trouble thinking, comprehending what you read, concentrating, or engaging in intellectual discourse? If you answered 'yes' to any of the preceding questions, perhaps it is time you asked your doctor about Cerebrenol.

Diminished cognitive ability is often the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain. Cerebrenol helps to enhance mental agility through a complex chemical process that nobody really understands.

Cerebrenol is not for everyone. Be sure to ask your doctor if you are healthy enough for intellectual activity.

If you experience enhanced mental acuity, heightened cognitive ability, or an attention span that lasts for more than four hours, consult a physician or other healthcare professional immediately.

If you experience sudden vision loss, stop taking Cerebrenol and notify your doctor immediately.

Side effects are usually minor and may include vomiting, diarrhea, headache, back pain, abdominal cramps, excessive bleeding, amnesia, short term memory loss, chronic and long term memory loss, dizziness, drowsiness, confusion, impaired judgment, ataxia, vertigo, rigor mortis, depression, anxiety, feelings of hopelessness, suicidal ideations, impaired coordination, impaired balance, reflex tachycardia, heart failure, pulmonary collapse, liver damage, sleep apnea, irritability, jaundice, hypoventilation, insomnia, flu-like symptoms, weight gain or loss, acne, boils, skin cancer, stroke, decreased libido, erectile dysfunction (in men only), muscle spasms, muscular dystrophy, irregular heartbeat, shortness of breath, trichotillomania, hypertension, xenophobia, ophidiophobia, symmetrophobia, sesquipedalophobia, leprosy, tuberculosis, cholera, constipation, and dry mouth.

Dr. Sal Manella
Medical Correspondent

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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