Holiday Hell: Bags Held Up At London's Heathrow Airport

Funny story written by Richie Simonson

Friday, 3 August 2007

London Heathrow's Terminal 4 was closed down today after the British Prime Minister convened an emergency meeting of Cobra, the UK government's civil contingencies committee.

The extremist religious Vegan pressure group "The Holy Order of Disavowed Meat-Eaters and Dairy Recidivists", in an attempt to make amends for their lacteal relapses, broke into a secure loading bay and rounded up a selection of sheepskin, cowhide and mink suitcases at gun point; eleven valises were held hostage in total, including a doctor.

Within minutes of the alarm being raised the British Airports Authority deployed their crack Cabin Crew Quick Reaction Force sporting the latest design in semi-automatic trolleys and multi-tonal hairstyles.

On arrival CCQ ReForc quickly contained the area allowing negotiators from the civil defence wing of Body Shop @ Heathrow initiate discussions with THODMEDR representatives.
After an initial verbal stand-off B.S negotiators managed to secure the release of a small Samsonite in exchange for two packets of confectionery from the latest range of Body Shop honey & burlap soap lozenges; soon after though the negotiations broke down.

Dicky Friend, a Body Shop counter-operative said of the circumstances, "The situation is very difficult. The demands are exorbitant. We hope that they will release the remaining hostages soon, but my feeling is that it is going to take some time."

With no further breakthroughs after five hours BAA officials ordered the CCQ ReForc to expedite the situation with extreme prejudice.

The Reaction Force targeted THODMEDR members with 200 calibre surface to surface cigarette cartons and snow-burst ice-cube trays neutralising the members with only nine baggage casualties.

A BAA spokesman said of the incident, "It is important to protect our passengers from this type of disruption, they pay our profit margins; and without a doubt we would not hesitate in taking the same action in similar circumstances again."

Though the action was harsh Prime Minister Gordon Brown backed the authorities' decision stating, "The first duty of the government is to take action under the guise of security and safety for all the British people; so it is right to raise the level of security at airports and use extreme prejudice in crowded places in the light of the heightened threats"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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