There were 474 spoof news stories published in November 2012. A selection of the most popular stories is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get news stories from a day in this month.
Teen sentenced to ten years in church chooses Church of Satan
MUSKOGEE, Oklahoma (ABSNN) - When Oklahoma District Judge Mike Norman sentenced a teenaged youth who caused his friend's death in a car crash to church for ten years, he likely thought the boy would choose an evangelical church like the Nazarenes or...
Read full storyLA DA says 'Bieber too big a pussy to have hurt a guy in a fight last May'
LOS ANGELES, California (ABSNN) - The LA County District Attorney's office declined to charge "tween star" Justine Bieber, 18, for a "fight" he had with a photographer last May. According to an Assistant District Attorney, "In all seriousness, we c...
Read full storyTool-making Cockatoo Signs Contract with Home Depot
No sooner had a cockatoo in captivity in Austria made the news by showing that he was able to fashion his own tools (read all about it in an article, Cockatoo shows tool-making skills, by Michelle Warwicker in BBC Nature News), when it was revealed t...
Read full storyNew Mexico man shot during robbery, or by accident, or some damned how
SILVER CITY, New Mexico (ABSNN) - Oddly enough, given the large number of guns and ammunition stores found in a gun shop, very few people have ever been shot in one, unless, of course, "they had it coming." Such was the case in this tiny New Mexico...
Read full storyCandles ignite stripper's fart: explosion injures 20 Shriners in Massachusetts!
SPRINGIELD, Massachusetts (ABSNN) - A nude dancer performing an "amazing, near flawless split" accidentally passed gas and nearby table candles ignited the fart "causing a huge natural gas explosion at the Scores Gentlemen's Club," say fire fighters...
Read full storyDoper's request for 'one more joint' lands him in the joint
CINCINNATI, Ohio (ABSNN) - A convicted pot smoker's request to smoke "one more joint before quitting," landed him in the joint after an Ohio judge "was astonished by his request." Damaine Mitchell, 19, was sentenced to prison by Hamilton County...
Read full storyTwitter Birdie Admits Hacking Emails, May Be Recruited by FBI
It's a bird...it's a plane...no, it's a bird all right. One nosy bird, that's for sure. Last night she finally came clean and admitted that she's been doing much more than delivering tweets. She's been hacking the email of tweeters, claiming that...
Read full storySnake Kicked Off Plane at Glasgow Airport Gives Interview
It wasn't first-class treatment at all, that's for sure. But then again, he wasn't a first-class passenger. The snake, after all, was just a stowaway. When he was found slithering along under some seats in a plane from Mexico, he was carted of...
Read full storyMcCain rips Obama for not bailing out Twinkies!
WASHINGTON, DC (ABSNN) - Arizona Senator John McCain ripped President Barack Obama's failure to offer a bail out to Twinkie producer Hostess Brands this afternoon. Speaking before the US Senate, McCain called Obama a "heartless, Godless un-Amer...
Read full storyMy life as a man #30
It's all about having fun until somebody loses an eye! I wrote a few days back that I'd lived through every Presidential election since Dwight Eisenhower's in 1951. Granted, I was not aware of anything more than my momma's nipple and my shitty diapers for that first election; but by the time Ike's successor John F. Kennedy ran in 1959, I'd heard all about Republicans and Democrats. My dad was...
Read full storyDorking man accidentally mixes up TV experts
A local man from Dorking was facing humiliation in the town last night when it was discovered he accidentally mixed up TV experts ITV money saving expert Martin Lewis and Channel 4 property buying expert Phil whatshisname, the bloke who hangs around...
Read full storyRichard Gere Finds Out About The Whole Hamster Thing
Hollywood, CA - Richard Gere, iconic star of mega blockbuster hits such as "Pretty Woman", "An Officer and a Gentleman" and a bunch of other crap that I think my mom probably still owns on VHS, finally found out about the decades-old urban legend tha...
Read full storyA Couple of Dog Gone Hunting Stories
BURNT CORN, Alabama - A few weeks ago Hampton "Bubba" Settingset, 59, was bird hunting with his bird dog Larry on a 40 acre patch of land on his Burnt Corn farm. After about two hours of walking around Settingset decided to take a little break. He carefully laid his rifle up against a tree. Larry, suddenly saw a flock of birds appear in the autumn sky and he started barking and jumping up a...
Read full storyObama wins Florida, vows "A change is coming to the Penis State!"
TALLAHASSEE, Florida (ABSNN) - The Florida Secretary of State certified today that Barack Obama won the state's election by a razor-thin margin of 74,000 votes. Tea Party freshman Congressman, Allen West, was defeated by fewer than 3,000 votes b...
Read full storyThe twinkeling out of Hostess Twinkies and Wonder Bread
NEW YORK CITY (ABSNN) - Hostess Brands, the bakers of Wonder Bread, Ho Hos and Twinkies, announced today it will shut down its remaining two plants due to a strike that crippled its operations. Although the company will cease operations, Twinkies ha...
Read full storyWillie Nelson Buys 10,000 Twinkies
AUSTIN - There is no bigger fan of Hostess Twinkies than country music icon Willie Nelson. The 79-year-old bearded wonder from the heart of Texas told Calcutta Cotton of Music Moments Magazine that he figures that he has probably eaten a little ov...
Read full story"Dirty Jobs" cancelled but Mike Rowe's new series "Dirty Girls" begins Jan on Discovery
ATLANTA, Georgia (ABSNN) - The ever smiling Mike Rowe, host of the Discovery Channel's long-running "Dirty Jobs" announced the show would not continue after this year. However, Rowe is not out of a job at the Discovery Channel; he will host a new sh...
Read full storyPattinson cousin is only man in America who has never seen the Twilight Saga
LANCASTER COUNTY, Pennsylvania (ABSNN) - A vast number of the farms in this Pennsylvania county have no electricity, no televisions, no telephones, no motor vehicles, no Honey Boo Boo. They are Amish folk, and yet, even the Amish know of the Twiligh...
Read full storyWTF 'Exxon Valdez man in line to be the new Pope?'
Texas - "Frackin' unbelievable!" is how one Big Oil source put it today following the announcement that a former Enterprise Oil hasbeen is to be the next Archbishop of Canterbury. "Still, we won't be trumped by this downmarket appointment while Ex...
Read full storyEskimos disagree that nudity in public means free speech; it's f+++++g madness!
Nudist lovers in San Francisco where the weather tends to be slightly kinder to the naked body than Alaska, Greenland, Iceland, Siberia, etc, are claiming that nudity in public means "free speech". The San Francisco authorities have passed legisla...
Read full storyBill O'Reilly Reveals Inspiration Behind His Books
Fox News' chief of making speculation sound like actual facts, Bill O'Reilly, has revealed where he got the idea for his latest books 'Killing Lincoln' and 'Killing Kennedy'. O'Reilly, who co-wrote the books with the rarely mentioned Martin Dugard...
Read full storyCross Dressers can become bishops
The Church of England, also known as the Anglican Church, the Protestant Church and the Church of King Henry the Eighth, voted recently to disallow women from become bishops, although they can become other members of the clergy, including monks. T...
Read full storyPot Smokers Concerned After Announcement "No More Twinkies"
Following Friday's announcement that Hostess Brands was shuttering its facilities and ceasing operations, sales of the company's flagship product, Twinkies, have increased 10 fold - with some paying up to $550 for just one crème filled cake. T...
Read full storyJustin Welby takes Archbishop job only because others drop out
The new Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, was today confirmed in the position only because others being considered as candidates were eliminated from the running due to various factors. Saintly Simon Cowell was eliminated from the running at...
Read full storyNew York City Marathon Issues Post-Sandy Rules
New York - Mayor Michael Bloomberg is being roundly criticized for permitting the New York Marathon to take place this weekend while millions of the city's citizens still suffer from hardships brought on by Hurricane Sandy. In an attempt to avoid...
Read full storyPlanet Mars Reports "I've Got a Secret"
Well, actually, make that plural: SECRETS. There's definitely more than one. NASA is being tightlipped, only saying that the rover Curiosity has discovered something exciting that warrants further investigation. Supposedly more info is forth...
Read full storyA-Rod May Soon Become A Houston Astro
NEW YORK CITY - Alex Rodriguez, who is the highest paid athlete in professional sports, at $30 million per year has expressed a desire to leave the New York Yankees. A-Rod, who had a horrible post season managing to bat a lowly .133 recently talke...
Read full storyJesus wept: 'Obama is our Lord and Savior, and then some' says Jamie Foxx
LOS ANGELES, California (ABSNN) - Comedian Jamie Foxx joined a long line of African-Americans who have deified leaders of color, like Harriet Tubman and Martin Luther King Jr., when he told the audience at the Soul Train Music Awards "It's almost lik...
Read full storyStop messing with our minds BBC's Gardeners' World is told
London - Rum goings-on behind the Berryfields potting shed have been blamed for a vile rumour about Monty Don's golden retriever Nigel. Absent for several weeks during an outbreak of Badger's Disease on local allotments the five year-old pooch's s...
Read full storyLady Gaga Apologizes For Her Marijuana Plant Costume
BROOKLYN - Lady Gaga and a member of her band were having drinks at The Plastered Platypus Lounge, which reportedly is Kelly Ripa's favorite New York City night club. Gaga has been criticized by several members of the entertainment press for the c...
Read full storyThe Real Reason Charlie Sheen Gave Lindsay Lohan $100,000
SHERMAN OAKS, California - It has been reported that Charlie Sheen AKA the Space Cadet gave Lindsay Lohan AKA Lucky Lohan $100,000 so she could pay her income taxes. But Pico de Gallo with Tittle Tattle Tonight spoke to a very close, unnamed frien...
Read full storyA List of 10 Little Known Facts About Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton is a 31-year-old Tinsel Town socialite who grew up with a convenient silver spoon in her mouth. She has succeeded in showing America that just because someone is worth $100 million doesn't exactly mean that they could pass a standard comprehensive test or even get a passing score on the Rorschach Inkblot Test. Paris has expressed an interest in wanting to be one of the celebrit...
Read full storyTwo Americans Will Attend Spoof Christmas Party in the UK
And they are: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer and Frosty the Snowman. They've managed to get a few days off from their Christmas duties in order to attend the festivities. And of course Rudolph will provide the air transportation. He's good at that. He'll carry Frosty in a sidecar kind of setup. It's a bit of a pain in the butt, said Rudolph; but, as he points out, "Frosty doesn't exactly ha...
Read full storyNew App tells Saudi husbands when wife has legged it abroad
Riyadh - "At last, a Sharia-compliant phone App that tells me when the coast is clear!" is how one twenty-something young Saudi male put it today as the government announced its latest electronic tagging system for wives. The new device alerts Sa...
Read full storyThe Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez Relationship Is History
TARZANA - Selena Gomez took one of her nieces to The Tarzan & Jane Petting Zoo in Tarzana in an effort to help get her mind off the break up between her and Justin. Gomez, 20, talked with Carolina Chipotle of Bedroom Pillow Talk as she careful...
Read full storyMy life as a man #33
The end of men is near Listen up, men: the last US election proved very clearly that women aren't going to put up with any more bullshit from men. Not only are there more women than men voting nowadays; but more women are voting for what they want than for what we men want them to want. I know I had a point to make, and that I have muddled it up, but you guys know what I mean already, w...
Read full storyBody under Leicester parking lot not Richard III's: It's Jimmy Hoffa's!
LEICESTER, England (ABSNN) - A whole lot of people who believed the male skeleton found beneath a parking lot in this English city was King Richard III, who was slain during the War of the Roses, an English Civil War, were disappointed when DNA testi...
Read full storyPalin and Trump visit Harlem School get history lesson
NEW YORK CITY (ABSNN) - Constitutional scholar Sarah Palin railed against the American electorate Tuesday night saying "I can't believe people would ignore the US Constitution and elect a man who refuses to balance the budget." Palin was acting as a...
Read full storyTiger Woods' mistress to be hooker at Nevada brothel
MOON LIGHT BUNNY RANCH, Nevada (ABSNN) - Dennis Hof, owner of a legal, Nevada brothel, told reporters today that Tiger Woods' porn-star mistress Number 8, Joslyn James, would work "for one week only," at his thriving Moon Light Bunny Ranch. Ms. Jame...
Read full storyMy life as a man #27
Sibling rivalry and bird shit If you are anything at all like me (thank God if you're not!), there are days when you just know something is going to fall out of the sky and it is going to land on you, personally, out of all the billions of people on the planet. Yesterday, I spent the entire day in a building devoted to keeping records that only people like me have any interest or reason to...
Read full storyOh My God! Stop the Election! Stop The Election Before It Is Too Late!
Oh my God!!!!!! Oh my God!!!!!!! Stop the presses! This is too big..... Some how, some way we've got to stop the election! I've just discovered something …....something terrible! Something you won't believe. I'm at an off loading dock in Oakland for container ships. I'm typing this on my cell phone. The Chinese.....oh my God!!.... The Red Chinese have totally infiltrated the election! T...
Read full storyNASCAR'S Danica Patrick's Marriage Hits The Wall
SCOTTSDALE, Arizona - Word out of the World of NASCAR is that Danica Patrick's marriage is starting to sputter. According to Tango Brisket with Sports Territory Magazine, Patrick's number 10 race car has hit some oil slicks on the marital race tra...
Read full storyThe Official Texas State Secession Committee Interview
Writer's note: My father, a lifelong Virginia patriot, told me: "The only good thing that ever came out of Texas was an empty Greyhound Bus." I thought he was being overly critical of Texas back then, but my opinion changed during the course of this interview. AUSTIN, Texas (ABSNN) - Texan John Rogers is on his way to his office on a street just a block from the Texas State House. Every doo...
Read full storyTuesday's solar eclipse to wreak havoc with New Yorkers' sperm motility
New York - A Public Health notice posted on the corner of E.86th and 5th is warning the aspect occurs in the 'fixed' water sign of Scorpio that rules the gonads, oil and gas and various Middle Eastern tinpot dictatorships. Particularly affected a...
Read full story17 States Ban Black Friday
CHICAGO - The Committee Overseeing Shoppers Actions, known as COSA, has just issued a press release which will pertain to Black Friday, starting in 2013. Anastasia "Salsa" Lightmiggle 42, national director of COSA, stated that due to the ever-grow...
Read full storyMI5 pigeon-spies banned from flying during Chinese Communist party conference!
The Chinese Communist Party has taken all precautions to avoid any form of spying during their conference in Beijing and has banned ping pong balls, vehicles driving with open windows and all pigeon-spies that normally circle over the conference cent...
Read full storyThe Steven Tyler - Nicki Minaj Feud Erupts!
NEW YORK CITY - Steven Tyler insists that he left American Idol on his own volition and that he was not forced out as new American Idol judge Nicki Minaj has erroneously stated. He went on to say that he cannot believe that the AI producers chose...
Read full storyBlack hole spotted in outer galaxy is definitely female!
Scientists in Texas have discovered a massive black hole in the outer galaxy, NGC 1277, and have confirmed it as definitely being female nicknaming it The Praying Pussy! Observing the black hole devour circulating stars reminded one scientist, Pro...
Read full storyMt. Rushmore Mistaken for the Fiscal Cliff; Lincoln Loses Face
Keystone, South Dakota - The Mount Rushmore National Memorial was severely damaged last night by a missile fired by a US military drone. The attack apparently was commissioned by Congress in what is now being called "a clerical error." "Our bad,"...
Read full storyThe Eskimo Igloo Problem Is Getting Worse
SNOWBALLS, Alaska - The government of Alaska has been asked by the Eskimo population of the village of Snowballs to address a situation that is becoming more and more serious. A spokesperson for Alaska's Northern Eskimos identified as Fafanook Vap...
Read full storyTexas vet says DNA proves Bigfoot is part human, 'At least his penis is'
DALLAS, Texas (ABSNN) - Texas, long the foe of evolution, is back in the news today thanks to a report from a Texas veterinarian who told reporters that DNA samples prove that the legendary "Bigfoot is part human-well, at least Bigfoot's penis is hum...
Read full storyOnion spoof makes Chinese cry (with laughter!)
Well known US spoof magazine, The Onion, has hit yellowy gold by having their spoof printed in the official Chinese Communist newspaper. The spoof was taken seriously by communist leaders hoping to take a swipe at the new North Korean leader, Kim Jon...
Read full storyTornado Chasers Accidentally Drive Into A Forest Fire
WICHITA, Kansas - Two of the Midwest's most popular and experienced tornado chasers, Sterling Vittybird, 27, and Tranquillo Razzle, 24, recently got caught up in their work. The two were on Interstate 35, chasing a category 6 tornado that had form...
Read full storyRobert De Niro Heartbroken After He Is Snubbed By Jay-Z
Tribeca neighbors, Robert De Niro and Jay-Z allegedly had a heated verbal exchange at a recent birthday party for Leonardo DiCaprio, resulting in De Niro's bottom lip wobbling on several occasions and ending with him staring into space before asking...
Read full storyThe Rob Pattinson - Taylor Swift Rumors
HOLLYWOOD - It appears that the Tinsel Town rumor mills are working overtime in regards to Rob Pattinson, star of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2. Word filtering out of the Left Coast is that RPattz was seen in the company of Taylor Swif...
Read full storyDancing With The Stars: Kelly Monaco and Val Chmerkovskiy Deny The Baby Bump Rumors
HOLLYWOOD - During the 14 seasons that Dancing With The Stars has been on the air there has never been a dance couple who have become closer than Val Chmerkovskiy and Kelly Monaco. The very petite Kelly, who was named after the color; Kelly Green,...
Read full storyMy life as a man #35
Why what matters no longer matters! I don't know about you readers, but for me at least, there is far too much written in the print media, and way the hell too much on TV, about "celebrity news." Celebrity News is an oxymoronic concept in every way! There is nothing at all new about the shit celebrities get their wonky asses involved in--not a goddamned thing. Sure we all like a good, bloo...
Read full storyMy Life as a Man #32
Another opportunity for happiness missed because I am so stupid and clueless With the possible exception of Karl Rove, I must be the stupidest, most clueless man in the United States. Belay that, mates, I am the stupidest, most clueless man on the Planet Earth! Yesterday, being Thanksgiving, I had the day off from work, and after feasting on more calories than the average Sudanese child con...
Read full storyNewsnight exposes famous BBC children's entertainer as yet another pervert!
Just when we thought the BBC sex crimes scandal could get no worse Newsnight have exposed another major BBC star. The most startling claim of abuse in the programme appeared to come from a female known only as Soo; who claimed to have been abused by...
Read full storyTim Tebow Could Be Heading To The Dallas Cowboys
DALLAS - One thing that can certainly be said about the owner of the Dallas Cowboys, Jerry Jones is that he is one shrewd businessman. He built the $1 billion Cowboys Stadium and says that he figures that it can be paid off within 13 months; which...
Read full storyBad News For The Tea Bag Party
FLAGSTAFF, Arizona - A spokesperson for The Tea Bag Party who spoke on grounds of anonymity stated that their is some big time trouble brewing within the Tea Bag Party (no pun intended). The unnamed source informed GOPicky Magazine that since the...
Read full storyTeabaggers-On-Bikes To Vote For Romney
ANCHORAGE, Alaska - Mitt Romney flew up to Alaska in an effort to try and convince the people of the 49th state that they should vote for him even though there really aren't that many millionaires in the Iceberg State. He was met at The Nanook of...
Read full storyDonald Trump Demands To Inspect All Election Ballot Papers
Following President Obama's victorious bid for a second term in the White House, his nemesis Donald Trump has launched a scathing attack against him and democracy on Twitter. Trump, a US property mogul and internationally renowned idiot, who suppo...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Arrested (Again!)
NEW YORK CITY - The human time bomb known as Lindsay Lohan keeps on furiously tick tocking and there appears to be nothing anyone can do about it. Lohan, who is considered one of the luckiest females in the history of the world, continues to push...
Read full storyChristmas Falls Foul of PC Brigade As Santa Closed Down
A North Pole man has been told he can no longer operate his seasonal business venture, delivering toys to children, after he violated several laws and incurred the wrath of politically correct organizations from across the globe. Santa Claus, who...
Read full storyCat Makes A Million on E-Trade
Park Slope, NY - Fuggles the cat wasn't much loved by his new owner, Daniel Stone, who would sooner have gotten rid of him altogether... but then Fuggles became much more valuable. Fuggles had been bestowed upon Mr. Stone by his girlfriend, Sophie...
Read full storyBears WR tells Scottish reporter about Viagra use in the NFL
CHICAGO, Illinois (ABSNN) - "They test NFL players for performance enhancement drugs (PED's), but what they're looking for is steroids, not male enhancement drugs such as Viagra. They can stop us from bulking up, but not from getting laid," said Chi...
Read full storyAustralia To Aid America
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The United States has decided that it will not be asking the Republic of China for another loan. Federal financial experts have stated that the United States already owes the Republic of China $1.15 billion. They stated that...
Read full storyGeneral Petraeus Stripped of His 'License to Kill'
Washington DC - The State Department has revoked the master spy privileges of disgraced former CIA director David Petraeus. That means the ex-general has lost all of his "00" espionage perks, including the highly prized "License to Kill." "Because...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Talks About Her Roller Coaster Engagement
TIJUANA, Mexico - Miley Cyrus visited Tijuana in order to purchase a Dora The Explorer Piñata for a six-year-old friend of the family's. While shopping at the Que Paso Mall she was asked by Laguna Vendetta with Las Maracas News Agency about her en...
Read full storyAnn Romney Reveals Her Husband Mitt Is Depressed
BOSTON - Ann Romney, wife of Mitt Romney, was in the city known by chefs throughout America as Bean Town. She had come to Boston on a winter shoe buying spree. Mrs Romney was asked by Asburn Wasabi with The Right Coast Illustrated Revue how her h...
Read full storyX Files honeytrap caught General Petraeus
Langley, Va - "Hell hath no fury as a Borg Queen scorned!" is how one intelligence analyst put it as news of David Petraeus' sudden departure broke. Speaking to reporters this morning Official Shrink to the CIA Professor Einstein Flintstone descri...
Read full storySarah Palin to host TLC's 'Hunting from Hueys' in January
ATLANTA, Georgia (ABSNN) - The Learning Channel, once home to NASA, now home to Honey Boo Boo, has signed former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to a two-year, weekly outdoor, hunting themed show called "Hunting from Hueys." "We are exceptionally plea...
Read full storyTexas Secession a recession beater for Bumper Sticker Vendors
ASININE, Texas (ABSNN) - Deep in the heart of this tiny west Texas town is the epicenter of the Texas Secession Movement. In an old, deserted looking storefront, on an equally deserted Main Street, a silk screen print shop company is working three s...
Read full storyDangerous Stupid Levels Found In NYC Water
The most recent quarterly testing of New York City's water supply revealed dangerous levels of stupid in the city's water - over eighteen times the permissible levels, even by New York's lenient stupid standards (New York is second only to Georgia in...
Read full storyKirstie Alley's Tell-All Book Tells It All
BEVERLY HILLS - Kirstie Alley's new book certainly blows the lid off of her countless romantic interludes, relationships, affairs, and circus-like physical antics. The 61-year-old former star of Cheers and Dancing With The Stars states in her reve...
Read full storyVermont Bans Rap Music
MONTPELIER, Vermont - The Vermont state senate has just voted on a music bill which is the first of its kind in the entire United States. Congressman Cooperton Blizzardbinster, 68, told the news media that after every state congressman received hu...
Read full storyQueen Latifah To Reveal A Secret Many Already Know
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Queen Latifah has spent a lot of time skirting a certain issue that many in Hollywood already know the answer to. For several years the soul - hip-hop - actress has openly denied that she is a lesbianite. She has stated that just...
Read full storyAngelina Jolie Tells Brad Pitt - Lose Weight Or I Won't Marry You
NEW YORK CITY - Angelina Jolie has shown that when she gets upset her nails come out and she starts scratching whatever is handy in order to make her point. And her latest point deals with soon-to-be-hubby Brad Pitt's sudden weight gain. Jolie...
Read full storyLance Armstrong Is Moving To The South Pole
NEW ORLEANS - Lance Armstrong was recently seen riding his bicycle down on Bourbon Street. According to Tango Brisket with Sports Territory Magazine, Armstrong was wearing a Mitt Romney "Frankenstein" Halloween mask and was dressed in an LSU sweat...
Read full storySlob Cat Still Gets Laid More Than Owner
Despite being fat, ugly, lazy, suffering from a flatulence problem, having bad fish breath as well as fleas, 5 year old cat Sebastian still gets laid more than his owner, a relatively good looking, slim, hard working young man with no foul breath pr...
Read full storyJoe Biden on karmic 'Liverpool Care Pathway' say stargazers
Washington - Capitol Hill astrologers are piling on the misery as a series of strategic zodiac aspects continues to blight Vice President Biden's natal chart. "We see him on the karmic equivalent of the Brits' controversial Liverpool Care Pathway,...
Read full storyStatues to be erected all over the planet in honour of total arseholes!
After the stunning success of Sir Alex Ferguson having his statue revealed at the Theatre of Dreams in Manchester, the United Nations, FIFA and Jaggedone (who?), have decided to erect statues to some of the world's greatest arseholes in places where masses of pigeons (and other birds) can shit all over them (SAF is not an arsehole BTW!). The statues would then become symbols of human madness an...
Read full storyBig Bird leads junta: seizes USA! Elections cancelled
WASHINGTON, DC (ABSNN) - The United States of America is now under the military control of Muppets from the Children's Television Workshop. Muppet Military Command (MMC) first occupied the Pentagon and took firm control over all US military forces i...
Read full storyThe Behind-The-Scenes Story of The NASCAR Feud Between Jeff Gordon and Clint Bowyer
ATLANTA - NASCAR vice-president of Oil Changes Clyde P. Duckmeister, was asked to comment on the recent unfortunate incident which occurred in Phoenix at the Phoenix International Raceway in which Jeff Gordon purposely drove his number 24 car into Cl...
Read full storyMy life as a man #31
God damn you merry gentlemen! What I've learned in my 61 years is that if you spend too much time in the past, you get trapped there, especially if the past is all you have to get you through the day. I am as much a historian as anything I may be. But the past is the past. And while I admire those who plan well for their futures, I am also smart enough to know that a significant number of th...
Read full storyObama Wins Election, Hannity Declares Romney Victorious
Four more years of President Obama. That's what the American people have decided. After a close race Obama came out on top beating his challenger Mitt Romney. While some are delighted with the result, others are devastated. Fox News' chief o...
Read full storyKent Bigfoot traced to Lisa Marie Presley's country pile
Garden of England - "Maybe it's an escapee from the Scientologists' Saint Hill Manor bunker," retired local X-Files sleuth Bob 'Mulder' Damson commented as news of the eight foot beastie's sighting broke. The ruddy-furred yeti seen marauding Royal...
Read full storyJack Nicholson and Sandra Bullock To Star In "PaulaGate - The General David Petraeus Story"
HOLLYWOOD - One of the biggest political scandals to hit the nation in a while is already in the process of being made into a motion picture. TouchRock Pictures in association with Pipe Dream Films has just announced that the movie based on The Ge...
Read full storyLen Goodman Hints He May Depart Dancing With The Stars
HOLLYWOOD - There is probably no one in Hollywood who is grouchier than Len Goodman, the British judge on Dancing With The Stars. The 68-year-old native of London recently told Tahiti Zeppelin with Hollywood Hors D'oeuvres that the thrill of being...
Read full storyCher Really Gets Into It With Donald Trump
MANHATTAN - Cher was in the Big Apple on a clothes buying spree. She was accompanied by her long time friend Margo "The Rack" Wickwater. The two were shopping at Bloomingdale's where Cher had gone to look for scarves with the Democratic logo on th...
Read full storySan Franciso bans nekkidness--'All nekkidness'
SAN FRANCISCO, California (ABSNN) - The City Board of Supervisors of San Francisco voted 6-5 Tuesday to prohibit Bay Area residents ever again getting nekkid. Even showering in the nude is now a felony crime. "All forms of nekkidness is hereby and...
Read full storyItalians Vote to Give "David" A Bigger Salami
Florence, Italy - Italians go to the poles (no pun intended) to vote for a new leader and members of parliament on Monday. Like in America, there are other issues up for public contemplation on the ballot as well, such as austerity measures, pension...
Read full storyUnstoppable computer virus "Clivey Dee" will strike Xmas Eve!
WASHINGTON, D.C. (ABSNN) - Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta called the first ever "Emergency Press Conference" to inform reporters and the American Public that "A horrendous, unstoppable computer retro-virus will strike every English speaking comput...
Read full storyEcuador Plans To Invade India
QUITO, Ecuador - The South American government of Ecuador has been flooded with emails, text messages, letters, and two singing telegrams regarding the latest military rumor regarding that bicuspid-shaped country. The rumorous rumor is believed to...
Read full storyKristen Stewart Fired!
OAXACA, Mexico - The Twilight Saga actress who says she has never been as depressed as she is now has just become even more depressed. K-Stew was only in her second day of shooting her latest motion picture Bonfire - The Joan of Arc Story, when sh...
Read full storyPresidential flip-flopper heaven as Mercury goes retrograde on November 6th
Washington - It's bad news for the Romney Campaign as millions of undecided American voters head for the polls under the influence of a rare astrological aspect on the day of the US presidential election. Tuesday sees Mercury, planet of communicat...
Read full story'Petraeus And Allen Should Have Seen It Coming' says former Pentagon remote viewing commander General Albert Stubblebine III
New York - "They were among my very best psychic warriors," ex-First Earth Battalion commander General Stubblebine said today amid mounting furor in the Broadwell-gate case, "taught 'em everything I know and NOW look what's happened!!" Speaking to...
Read full storyH&R Block Offers Tips To Victims Of Sandy: Be More Absorbent!
Not wanting to come in second place to Hurricane Sandy in terms of financial ruination and victimization of the down-trodden, tax-hiccup H&R Block begins its two-pronged ritualized cozening of its clients with Emerald Advance AND their latest edu...
Read full storyMajor retailers to put out barf buckets Thanksgiving afternoon
Plymouth, Mass - Mal*Wart, JC Farthings, and Maced stores all plan to open right after millions of giant turkey dinners are consumed. Who wants to wait for Black Friday? According to Dr. Drew Upbird, medical consultant to the retail industry, con...
Read full storyChristina Aguilera's Secret Email To Jessica Simpson
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Christina Aguilera of the Voice appeared on the American Music Award Show and it was no secret that she has put on a bit of poundage. Miss Aguilera does not try to hide the fact, especially since anyone can physically see it. H...
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