Teen sentenced to ten years in church chooses Church of Satan

Funny story written by Francois Dubois, S.J.

Sunday, 18 November 2012


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image for Teen sentenced to ten years in church chooses Church of Satan
Todd Alldead in his Satanic Church robes

MUSKOGEE, Oklahoma (ABSNN) - When Oklahoma District Judge Mike Norman sentenced a teenaged youth who caused his friend's death in a car crash to church for ten years, he likely thought the boy would choose an evangelical church like the Nazarenes or maybe a mainstream Baptist church. Instead, 17-year-old Tyler Alldead chose the Church of Satan.

"God works in mysterious ways, that's for damned sure," said the 67-year-old jurist.

"I've been sentencing offenders to so many years in whatever church; I just figured this kid knew I meant a God-fearing, white, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant church," Judge Norman said.

Alldead told reporters he was "drinking at the time of the car crash that killed his best friend," and that he "was devastated by his friend's death, but not enough to sit in some damned Holy Roller church for the next ten years."

The judge could have sentenced the teen to up to five years for the Manslaughter conviction, but, he said, "I figured ten years in church would give him time to get his life on the right track and not be exposed to the criminal scum that infest the state penitentiary."

"The hell with that stuff," said Alldead. "My first choice of a church to spend ten years in was the Native American Church where I could smoke pot and eat peyote legally. But since I'm not an Indian, I figured the next best church would be the Church of Satan. They worship nekkid and have monkey sex on the pews. It's a win-win for me for sure," he said as he left the courtroom.

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The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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