My life as a man #35

Funny story written by Francois Dubois, S.J.

Friday, 30 November 2012


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for My life as a man #35
This guy knows what matters!

Why what matters no longer matters!

I don't know about you readers, but for me at least, there is far too much written in the print media, and way the hell too much on TV, about "celebrity news." Celebrity News is an oxymoronic concept in every way! There is nothing at all new about the shit celebrities get their wonky asses involved in--not a goddamned thing.

Sure we all like a good, bloody car wreck along the highway of life--if it isn't our own. But Jesus-tits, what is news about about any of these movie stars, or singers (or what is more astounding: why do we give a shit about a made-up celebrity family like the Kardashians or, what is even more astounding: why does Honey Fucking Boo Boo's chipmunk-cheeked mother's every utterance deserve even the slightest notice)?

That the entire internet is jammed full of their latest fuck-and-fart, and what they wore yesterday (that cost more than the entire gross national product of Albania), and who wore it better, is indicative of the dying vulture-culture that we have become!

In my life as a man I've seen a whole lot of shit that matters-but in the last few years of my life as a man, I've seen more shit that does not matter matter. And that is why what really matters has ceased to matter. It's what the fuck is the matter with our nation, and why we Americans have ceased to matter in world matters where what we think and do used to matter.

Why the fuck should starving children in Alabama (YES) or the Sudan matter at all when Kim Kardashian's ass is spreading faster than the national debt? Lohan is arrested again, so America's fiscal cliff has to take a back seat in the news. You tell me how it is a news flash that overpaid, over-pampered, minimally educated, total fucking idiots with the intellectual capacity of flatworms, and noses full of toot can do anything other than fuck up their lives.

That isn't news; that is expected.

Good and decent people who struggle through dead-end jobs, with hardly a pot to piss in; people living exemplary lives, and helping their neighbors every day in a world gone insane--they should matter! There should be columns in every daily newspaper that tells their stories, but there aren't--for two reasons: (1) people don't read newspapers anymore and (2) there isn't enough column space available to print the stories of everyday people because it is all taken up by Kim Kardashians' spreading backside.

Holy fucking shit! Why isn't anybody writing about me, for God's sake? I have all kinds of thoughts and ideas. Some of them even make sense when I'm sober.

For example, I have a fool-proof idea of how to colonize Mercury, the closest planet to the sun.

I know, given the time and money, I could end world hunger by growing genetically engineered, nuclear kelp that would not only fill the bellies of hungry people, but would also make them glow in the dark--and that would save immense oil and coal reserves, and cut down on greenhouse gasses, because we wouldn't need electric lights anymore.

But no one listens to a visionary like me. Oh hell no; they are too busy listening to such Illuminati notables such as Rihanna, who also is an advocate for the poor, and under-represented who are punching bags.

Oh well, I guess I could wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up faster.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more