CHICAGO, Illinois (ABSNN) - "They test NFL players for performance enhancement drugs (PED's), but what they're looking for is steroids, not male enhancement drugs such as Viagra. They can stop us from bulking up, but not from getting laid," said Chicago Bears wide receiver Brandon Marshall.
Marshall let it be known to sports writers that he's heard of a lot of NFL players using the erectile dysfunction drug Viagra to "get up for games."
"And let me just tell you now, the after-game showers are more interesting than ever before," he said.
"Viagra causes a thinning of blood and allows some men, mostly past the age of 55, to sustain erections due to the blood pooling in the spongy tissue of the penis," said ED authority Simon Saunders.
Saunders travelled from Edinburgh, Scotland to Chicago to gain an exclusive interview with Brandon Marshall. He feels that English Football teams (soccer players) might benefit from Marshall's claims.
However, it seemed Marshall was more interested in Saunders' kilt and what, if anything, Saunders wore beneath it. Saunders, ever helpful and willing to please his new American friend, lifted his kilt to reveal he wore nothing at all beneath it.
"Shucks, man, you need a few of these blue pills for sure," exclaimed Marshall. "I thought you were just an ugly chick. Maybe you should take three or four," he advised the reporter.
The two finished their interview and, 45-minutes later, Marshall examined Saunders' junk one more time.
"OK, my cross-dressing friend, you're good to go! Let's go get us some Chicago deep dish pizza and I'll introduce you to some Chicago Bears Cheerleaders," a smiling Marshall told Saunders as they left the stadium, hand in hand.
Writer's note: If anyone in the Chicago area sees a small statured, Scottish man in a Kelly Green skirt, err kilt, sporting a tent-like protrusion; please contact Mrs. Saunders in Edinburgh. She wants him back home before the drugs wear off.
