WTF 'Exxon Valdez man in line to be the new Pope?'

Funny story written by queen mudder

Thursday, 8 November 2012

image for WTF 'Exxon Valdez man in line to be the new Pope?'
Former Exxon Valzdez skipper acquitted of DUI 'still a candidate' for next Pope?

Texas - "Frackin' unbelievable!" is how one Big Oil source put it today following the announcement that a former Enterprise Oil hasbeen is to be the next Archbishop of Canterbury.

"Still, we won't be trumped by this downmarket appointment while ExxonMobil chief Rex Tillerson's already spoken for in terms of Pearly Gates futures."

This morning's statement comes amid news that Justin Welby, Bishop of Durham, is to be the Brits' new spiritual leader following a disastrous career at Enterprise Oil's treasurer before its acquisition by Royal Double Dutch Shell.

The appointment is being countered by US energy moguls who reckon a game of Big Oil one-upmanship sees former Exxon Valdez skipper Joseph Hazelwood a natural shoo-in for the post of next Pontiff-of-the-Holy-Sea according to reports.

The ex-captain was acquitted of drunkenness while in charge of an Exxon oil tanker which ran aground and spilled its seed - er...entire payload! - of 11 million gallons of sweet light crude into Prince William Sound in 1989.

However Hazelwood was found guilty of the misdemeanor charge of negligent discharge of oil and given the slap-on-the-wrist punishment of a $50,000 fine plus 1,000 hours of community service.

Meanwhile the Rt Rev Justin Welby, a former employee at the Paris-based Elf Aquitaine, was the 'genius' behind Enterprise Oil's 1996 discovery of the 'disastrous' Irish Corrib Gas Field.

Absorbed by Shell in 2002 the field has proved to be a 'raging millstone' around the oil major's neck following local and national protests about pipelines and 'stuff'.

News of Welby's appointment to the Archbishopric [sic] of Canterbury has had mixed reviews in the UK where his 'mammon' background is being questioned by god squad nutz.

"Gotta be something to do with Ecuador's fraudulent Chevron litigation scam, inntit?" an anti-Amazonbotch campaigner commented.

Frackin' unbelievable indeed.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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