Bill O'Reilly Reveals Inspiration Behind His Books

Funny story written by Simon Saunders

Sunday, 4 November 2012

image for Bill O'Reilly Reveals Inspiration Behind His Books
Lee Harvey Oswald being shot by Jack Ruby. A young O'Reilly can be seen in the background preparing a report

Fox News' chief of making speculation sound like actual facts, Bill O'Reilly, has revealed where he got the idea for his latest books 'Killing Lincoln' and 'Killing Kennedy'.

O'Reilly, who co-wrote the books with the rarely mentioned Martin Dugard, says President George W. Bush stoked his creative juices following the devastating terrorist attacks on 9/11.

O'Reilly picks up the story, "After 9/11 I got the idea to write a book about President Bush. Given what had happened I felt it was almost a certainty that some loon would try to assassinate him. Rather than wait for it to happen I started drafting a book about Bush's career and intended to finish it with a chapter about his seemingly inevitable death. Unfortunately for me no-one's bothered to kill him, even that guy who tried to behead Bush by throwing a shoe at him during a press conference missed. Unbelievable really. However, while waiting for Bush's assassination I remembered that other presidents had been brutally slain so I could write about it. It was then that I contacted Martin Dugard to ask him if he would do all the hard work of researching President Abraham Lincoln's death while I sat back and shouted at him to work faster. I came up with the title for the Bush book though, I was going to call it 'Killing Bush: The Death of a President Who Kept Us Safe, Apart From 9/11'."

'Killing Lincoln: The Shocking Assassination That Changed America Forever', has been a smash hit since it's release thirteen months ago selling well over a million copies.

Not content with that O'Reilly put Dugard to work researching another book, 'Killing Kennedy'. Working from a thirty foot pit in the grounds of O'Reilly's Long Island castle, Dugard came up with the goods again.

'Killing Kennedy: The End of Camelot', has also been a huge success for O'Reilly enabling him to gold plate his massive castle and install flame throwers around the grounds to prevent intruders from getting to him. The flame throwers also deliver a voice message from O'Reilly shouting "You are now entering a no spin zone."

Further to these literary masterpieces O'Reilly has plans to make the 'Killing............' title a series.

He told us, "There are plenty of options. I've done Lincoln and Kennedy but there's still Garfield and McKinley to do. There's also the possibility that I'll work on a book about President Reagan called 'Nearly Killing Reagan: The Assassination Attempt That Failed.' There could even be a series of 'Nearly Killing...........' books as well. There's been enough presidential assassination attempts to keep me in gold slippers for life. Plus my marriage breakdown may cost me a packet too, but I can't really talk about that for legal reasons."

O'Reilly, who doesn't speculate on his show, something he likes to remind his viewers of before then going on to speculate, also revealed that he is near to completing 'Killing Obama: The End of Socialism in America' but once again the final chapter is unwritten due to the fact President Obama hasn't been assassinated.

Explaining the reasons behind his Obama book, O'Reilly, who soaked up the flood waters in his castle caused by Superstorm Sandy with the contents of his massive wallett, said forcefully, "I like to stay ahead of the game. You never know when a president may be brutally murdered. I wouldn't want to miss an opportunity. I'm not biased and here's the proof. I've just started work on another book entitled 'Killing Romney: The Death of America's Greatest Businessman and President' just in case he wins and then succumbs to a madman as did Lincoln and Kennedy."

'Killing Lincoln' and 'Killing Kennedy' are now both available in the form of toilet paper from all good supermarkets.

Meanwhile, 'The Daily Show' host Jon Stewart has denied rumours he's begun work on a book entitled 'Killing O'Reilly: The Tragic Passing of My Nemesis'. Stewart described the rumours as "vicious lies."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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