LEICESTER, England (ABSNN) - A whole lot of people who believed the male skeleton found beneath a parking lot in this English city was King Richard III, who was slain during the War of the Roses, an English Civil War, were disappointed when DNA testing revealed it was not him. On the other hand, the Federal Bureau of Information (FBI) was quite please to find out that the body belonged to the long missing Teamsters' Union President James R. Hoffa.
"Damn the luck," said Philippa Langley, a Richard III Society member.
"If it had been up to me, we would have called it good, meaning we would have told everyone it was Good King Hunchback, err, Richard III and made a boatload of money off him," she pouted (although we were suprised because we were not aware that British matrons pouted).
DNA testing on the mutilated skeleton was compared with a living relative of King Richard's sister, but came back as "no match" said British scientists.
On a lark, an unidentified Police Constable named Martin Shuttlecock, called a friend at the FBI's London office and asked them if they wanted to test the body. And on a lark, US Attorney General Eric Holder, who is under fire by everyone in the US, agreed to test the sample extracted from a tooth from the skeleton.
"Damned if it did not come back a positive match for Hoffa who's been missing since July 30, 1975," said Shuttlecock, who, by the way, was promoted to Detective-Sergeant "for showing great initiative."
"Hoffa was killed by a broadsword blow to the head," said Shuttlecock, "and then the Mafia hit men went so far as to jab a medieval iron arrowhead in his spine to cover their tracks."
How the Mafioso killers spirited Hoffa's corpse all the way from his home to Leicester and hid it in the choir of Greyfriars Church, under an already paved car park, is unknown.
We will keep you informed.
