Stewart's Black Tourmaline Vajazzling Crystals Banish Wedding Demons

Funny story written by Karen Fish

Saturday, 25 September 2010


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Without the Black Tourmaline Crystals

According to the book of world records the largest woman ever was Rosalie Bradford of Auburndale, Florida, at 1,199 pounds. Rosalie Bradford was on the verge of topping 1,200 pounds when she died at 63 in 2007. She was one fully loaded pizza away. Rosalie Bradford was the previous owner of the 840 pound Brazilian Bahia vajazzling emerald, ownership of which is now being contested in Los Angeles before Superior Court Judge John A. Kronstadt. For now the Bahia Emerald remains under lock and key in the property room of the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department.

Kristen Stewart has now followed into the vajazzling footsteps of Jennifer Love Hewitt. What type of glue did Rosalie Bradford use to attach an 840 pound emerald to her female parts? The autopsy showed that the gigantic rock caused her to topple head over heels down the staircase of the Empire State Building to her untimely demise.

Does the 16 year old Ali Lohan on the carpet photo for Lindsay Lohan's '6126' Clothing Line fall under the definition of child pornography? Is it a coincidence that '6126' is eerily close to 666? So far Kristen Stewart has already played a teenage stripper. Kristen Stewart is currently shooting a movie in which she plays a group sex officionado. Now Kristen Stewart is being courted to play an underage prostitute killer in the upcoming Ron Howard and Brian Grazer film. How did Opie go from being pals with Goober Pyle to child porn?

Bella and Edward are now jetting off to an island in Brazil to shoot their honeymoon scene in the Twilight sequel 'Breaking Dawn.' In the movie, Edward presents Bella with tiny black tourmaline vajazzling crystals because they have been known for thousands of years to keep away evil spirits. Upon their arrival in Recife, Brasilia, the nipple of Brazil, Bella asks Edward, "Do they have waxing here?"

'Breaking Dawn' will remain faithful to the book by Stephanie Myers, of Fort Myers, Florida. The ceremony will be performed by online minister Rev. Tony Orlando, of Universal Ministries, who also serenades the couple with his band 'Tony Orlando and Dawn.' As in the book, during the wedding ceremony Edward is not able to control himself and his inner demons and lust break out. This is the reason for Kristen Stewart's black tourmaline vajazzling crystals which stop the demons from entering into her and banish the demons to Hell forever.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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