China Moves From "One Baby" to "One Woman" Policy

Funny story written by Don Merlot

Saturday, 25 September 2010

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China is celebrating thirty years of their one child policy by taking an even harder stance to control their population - shifting to a one woman policy.

The one baby principle limits families to just one child, and the government claims to have prevented 400 million births over the last three decades.

This shift to "One Woman" will now limit the number of females in the population to a single lady in a bid to stop their 1 billion population rising even further.

A spokesman says it is the next logical step:

"For too long we've been relying on Angelina Jolie and Madonna taking on excess kiddies from all over the globe. We have to face facts that these celebrities [known as 'Baby Dysons'] cannot carry on doing this forever.

"There is a critical number of precocious, celebrity-reared children that the planet can handle. It is believed the Jolie-Madonna axis of stolen offspring now numbers more than the population of Western Europe."

Jolie's agent was quick to issue a statement:

"Miss Jolie's staff are working round the clock trying to catch more and more children using the latest in Brangelina Kiddy-Net (tm) technology, but she grudgingly admits that it is still not enough to cope with the spiralling numbers she feels inexplicably responsible for."

One lucky lady from the entire Chinese population was chosen in the traditional manner - through a fortune cookie - to take on the job of the "Sole Woman".

Xia Xangxiao, a pig-shaver from a suburb near Beijing, was selected, and spoke of the daunting task ahead.

"I'll be a busy girl, but when I saw that message in the Fortune Cookie, I was still delighted."

The content of the message in the cookie itself has been a closely guarded state secret, but is believed to have contained an old Chinese proverb:


Now begins the long process of aborting the approximate 499,999 remaining women in the country - a tricky process seeing as many of them are well past their 273rd trimester... or in other words, in their 90s.

The process of grieving for them by the men of China has been tempered by the tense wait for lots to be drawn, dictating when they will be called upon to do their duty with Miss Xangxiao.

Ye Hinfeng was drawn as the 7th man to be called up.

"Granted, it's not pleasant - going in there after six other guys...and I don't think the bloke infront of me in the queue had washed for days. But I suppose I can just pretend I'm a Premier League footballer on an end of season break in Malaga - that's pretty standard for them.

"It's the poor buggers who get drawn somewhere near the 400,000 mark that I'm worried about. Even Marcus Bent would think twice before stirring that porridge."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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