Interview With Tea Party Protestor

Funny story written by kslaught

Saturday, 25 September 2010

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The Real Tea Party

I found Mr. Doe protesting at the border in Arizona, and interviewed him.

Ken: Good evening, Mr. Doe. Your sign says a lot. "Three Simple Words: We The People". Gotta keep it simple for those illegals, I guess. Think they can count to three? So what's your message here?

Doe: The message is that illegals are not 'people' in the constitutional sense of the word. "We The People" - that's us. "Non-people" - that's them.

Ken: What is the genesis of that phrase "We The People?"

Doe: It's not from the bible, actually. Read Sarah Palin's book. It tells you all about the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the right to bear arms. Where everything comes from - all of it.

Ken: So tell me, what, in your words, is the Tea Party all about?

Doe: We keep alive the spirit of the Boston Tea Party - No taxation without representation!! We are being taxed to death in this country.

Ken: I thought the representation part was taken care of by that Constitution there. However, I do agree with you about the National Debt being out of control

Let's look at the latest Federal Budget numbers. You can find them on Wikipedia. Here are the big ticket items. I haven't heard what the Tea Party would do about any of these:

$678 billion: Social Security

$664 billion: Defense

$453 billion: Medicare

$290 billion: Medicaid

Doe: I would refudiate that by starting with education, and those bridges to nowhere.

What a waste of taxpayer dollars!! They don't even teach the basics, like reading, writing, and two plus two equals, whatever. You're not seeing too many Sarah Palins or Glen Becks coming out of ObamaNation Education, let me tell you.

Ken: Education is $47 billion, less than one third of the interest on the debt. You could eliminate every bridge to anywhere and not make a noticeable dent. Small potatoes. How about focusing on Entitlements or Defense, where the real action is?

Doe: Defense?? Just as I thought, you want to disarm this great country. Socialist!!

Ken: Ok, Mr. Doe. Let's change the subject for a moment. I am interested to find out how you become a member of the Tea Party.

Doe: Well, the ObamaCommies gave me a first-hand lesson in government bureaucracy. A couple of years ago, Mom's lawyers advised her to, what did they call it, 'gift' her house to me. Otherwise she wouldn't qualify for aid. She's in a nursing home.

Ken: You mean Medicaid? That's one of the big Federal budget items, right there.

Doe: That's right, and that's what's wrong with this country. If you're rich, you don't need anything. If you're poor, the government gives you everything. It's the guy in the middle, like me, who gets screwed all the time. So Mom has to make herself poor in order to collect anything! There's something wrong with that!

Ken: Wow. Tell me more.

Doe: This year, the Twenty Questions started. When did she give me this house? Did I pay anything for it? Was I aware of the 'five year rule'? It goes on and on. It was a gift for crying out loud!! What is this country coming to when you can't give a house to your own son? Talk about rules!! And the paperwork! You want to save trees, Mr. Obama?

Ken: Good point. Honest, upstanding citizens like you and I would never take advantage of a government program. Seriously, though, aren't we all to blame? Personally, I am counting the years until I can get on Medicare. Those big Entitlement items in the budget are like used cars fitted with bombs as standard equipment. A politician can't even take one for a test drive - It blows up in his face. You could help change that. I might join the Tea Party if you would zero in on entitlements and stop bashing Illegal Immigrants.

Doe: They're coming over taking jobs away from hardworking Americans. That's the problem with those - I almost said "people".

Ken: Too close for comfort - have to watch your choice of words there.

Doe: Take Mom's nursing home, for example. Illegals working there, I bet.

Ken: Another good point. Have you applied there yourself and been turned down?

Doe: Hell, I wouldn't be caught dead working in one of them places. Smells like Sh** .

Ken: How about picking fruit, landscaping, janitorial work. Any luck landing one of those jobs?

Doe: Listen, Mr. WiseMediaGuy. I'm running out of patience with your insults. Do I look like some kind of a low-life who would stoop to that kind of work? I told you. I am a citizen, I am a real person.

Ken: I wonder if these 'illegals' dream of being 'real people' too. Look, I agree, it's definitely a problem. But you are targeting the victims, the bottom of the food chain. Why don't we identify the sharks and go after them? Maybe we could work together and really solve the problem.

Doe: Do I smell socialism? Get away! Get away!! Don't touch me! Three simple words, We The People. We The People. My God, he touched me!! We The Peopleā€¦

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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