Praise poured in from across the globe today for 22 year old Cincinatti Reds pitcher Aroldis Chapman for throwing the fastest pitch ever, a 105 mph slider. Ines Sainz interviewed Aroldis Chapman after the game for Azteca TV in the Reds shower and she said, "Wow, that's quite impressive."
Last year the 22 year old Aroldis Chapman was playing for the Cuban National Baseball Team for 30 centavos a day in a tournament in the Netherlands. When Aroldis realized that he couldn't afford to go to the Amsterdam red light district and he couldn't afford even a joint of marijuana, he decided to defect from Cuba.
San Diego Padres batter Tony Gwynn said, "I didn't see it unti it was behind me." The reason Tony Gwynn saw it at all was because the Reds catcher's mitt caught fire, which spread to the umps chest protector and the Red fire trucks came sirening onto the field. Because the game was played last night in Petco Park, San Diego, Aroldis Chapman was naturally charged with arson. He is being defended by Shawn Chapman Holley.
Also yesterday, Shawn Chapman Holley, the daugter of Buddy Holley, won the fastest appeal ever for her client Lindsay Lohan. After Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to jail, Shawn Chapman Holley said to Lindsay Lohan, "Don't worry, I'll have you out of here faster than my cousin's slider. Now I've gotta scram."
The authorities have been ping ponging Lindsay Lohan from the court house to rehab to the jail to the lawyer's office to the court house to rehab. Everyone is making money off Lindsay's addiction to cocaine. Yesterday Fidel Castro said, "There is no such thing as bad publicity. For years people thought that I was a bad guy. They even banned Havana cigars, cutting off their noses to spite their faces. On behalf of the Cuban people I would like to congratulate Aroldis Chapman, Shawn Chapman Holley, Lindsay Lohan and the Jewish people."
Fidel Castro changed his tune this week and said that Ahmadinejad was a dork for denying the Holocaust, and that Israel has the right to exist as a Jewish state. It was widely reported last year that Fidel Castro had gone to meet his maker, and skeptics are thinking that the new Castro may in fact be Leonard Zelig in Bananas. Ines Sainz, who has met the real Castro in the Biblical sense is presently on her way to Havana to check it out. Ines Sainz said of Aroldis Chapman, "Aroldis can really swing that bat and throw that ball."
That's why the Reds are paying him $30 Million dollars, the exact amount Italian Prosecutors seized from Pope Benedict's bank account this week, which has conspiracy theorists wondering exactly who is paying Aroldis Chapman's salary? Is it the Reds, or a settlement payout to Aroldis Chapman by Pope Benedict?