Obama tells students 'sorry, you missed the boat'
President Obama delivered his back to school speech at Philadelphia's Masterman School today, telling students their future is full of endless disappointment. "Your life is over" Obama said. "And nothing - absolutely nothing - will get you what yo...
Read full storyPennsylvania High School Students Shown Porn!
The Principal of a Pennsylvania school apologized to all 450 seniors after a video they were watching went from "The Importance of Giving Blood" to "Raunchy Rita's Roadhouse", a porn film. Apparently while school officials were getting the last of...
Read full storyAnyone For A Nude Kim Kardashian, Taylor Lautner?
Now you can not only view photographs of a nude Kim Kardashian, but you can have her in your bedroom or tastefully dressed in the living room. After the release of formerly censored nude pics, adding insult to injury, she is being made into an adu...
Read full storyHampstead Heath now safe to go to at night
Londoners in the NW3 area were celebrating today as they discovered the joys of being able to walk on Hampstead Heath at night without any strange Greek gentlemen approaching them for some adult fun. The news of George Michaels imprisonment was ma...
Read full storyUK Workers Quitting In Droves As Employers Try To Take Advantage Of Recession
Newly released figures reveal that British workers are quitting their jobs in droves this month, as unscrupulous employers attempt to cash in on the recession. After two years of being badgered, treated like shit, chopped and changed all over the...
Read full storyThe Eiffel Tower Now Called 'Leaning Tower Of Paris' After Bombing
Al Quada has announced that the early morning bombing of The Eiffel Tower and the park around it, which was evacuated Tuesday night after a telephoned bomb threat, is in response to the many 9-11 memorial services held throughout the world this weeke...
Read full storyJudge Declares George Michael Public Nuisance, Bans Him from Society
LONDON, England - A judiciary hearing was held in London's High Court Monday to determine whether or not singer George Michael has reached a level of public nuisance which should prohibit him from ever being allowed to interact with society again...
Read full storyHampstead ganja dealers desolate as George Michael goes to jail
London - (High Times): The North London weed dealing economy is facing penury as top Hampstead toker George Michael heads for HMP Wormwood Scrubs tonight. The singer got eight weeks for pranging his motor in Hampstead High Street in a combustible...
Read full storyFor Verizon's 'Can You Hear Me Now' Guy, "Rule The Air" Means "Foreclose on my McMansion."
"For the last three years, girls would just slam their breasts in my face, and ask, 'Can you hear me now?' It was magical." Since 2002, Verizon's 'Can You Hear Me Now' Guy, whose name I am far too lazy to Google, has been the nerdy, puffy and slig...
Read full storyLondon[istan] becoming breeding ground for Pak's new political parties whose supporters include the halal butcher; the naan baker and the sheep-fat candlestick-maker
LONDONISTAN: Oh to be in England! Council housing, social benefits, national health care, million-pound flats above kebab shops in Edgware & security detail provided by Scotland Yard courtesy of the Brit taxpayer...heck a self-exiled Pak dictat...
Read full storyInsurgent Terrorists attack Sainsbury's and blow up coffee machine!
A suicide bomber disguised as a Sainsbury's coffee machine cleaner secretly planted a device at their supermarket in Farnsborough, UK today. He actually wanted to be blown up with the coffee machine, but a waitress spotted him behaving suspiciousl...
Read full storyThe Reasons That The Bravo Network Cancelled "The Mature Eye Candy Bitches of Bakersfield" Starring Pamela Anderson, Heather Locklear, and Jessica Simpson
HOLLYWOOD - The Bravo Network has officially announced that it has decided to cancel its newest sit-com The Mature Eye Candy Bitches of Bakersfield which starred Pamela Anderson, Heather Locklear, and Jessica Simpson. The show was cancelled after...
Read full storyLady GaGa looking for Potatoes
Singing the lyrics of 'All That Meat & No Potatoes' Lady GaGa was excited by the advances of England's ball man Wayne Rooney who was on the lookout for a bit of fresh chicken. The Lady was dressed in pigs chops and cow's udders and looked a st...
Read full storyThe Latest On The Very Nasty Feud Between Perez Hilton and Chelsea Handler
HOLLYWOOD - America's most popular blogger has fired off a couple of shots at Chelsea "I'm A Very Funny Bitch" Handler. Perez, who is not one to hold back referred to Handler, who hosted The MTV Music Video Awards, as not only the lousiest award s...
Read full storyGeorge Michael Gets Eight Weeks In Prison Over Snappy Snaps Weed Mishap
Wham bam thank you mam breaking news - George Michael jailed for eight weeks for being off his nut at the wheel of his car as he crashed into Snappy Snaps. A Snappy Snaps snapper customer complained that in his opinion the sentence was way too len...
Read full storyTyra Banks' "America's Next Top Model" Could Be Heading For Cancelledville
HOLLYWOOD - Tyra Banks' baby America's Next Top Model began its 14th season with an extremely dismal viewership number. The show which features a bevy of beauties competing for the title placed fourth in its time slot. America's Got Talent pulled...
Read full storyPope flees angry London mob using jet-pack
Pope Benedict's state visit to Britain has ended almost as soon as it began. Hours after landing at London's Heathrow Airport, the Pontiff was addressing a crowd of Roman Catholics in Trafalgar Square when spontaneous angry protests by gays, victims...
Read full storyWoman With The World's Largest Breasts Will Have The Implants Removed And Given To Sandra Bullock, Kate Hudson, and Keira Knightley
RICHMOND, Texas - Sheyla Hershey has finally decided to have her gigantic M cup breast implants removed for safety reasons. Hershey said that one week ago she sneezed while she was sleeping and knocked out two teeth, gave herself two black eyes, a...
Read full storyGlobal hunger unexpectedly high so Obese people attack M**Donalds!
The levels of global hunger have risen dramatically and Obese people the world over are on the rampage! Recent attacks on M**Donalds, Bu***r K**g, Kentucky F***d Ch***en have proven this point as overweight, desperate, gorging fatties raid the fas...
Read full storySainsburys Coffee Injures 55
Sainsburys has been criticised after several people were hurt when they drank coffee from an instore drinks machine, it has been reported. Fifty-five shoppers had decided to take a break from the rigours of shopping, and plumped for a drink of cof...
Read full storyPretty Female Reporter In Football Locker Room Gets Ogled!
RUTHERFORD, NJ - The sporting world was shocked when it learned that men in the Jets' locker room were behaving like men in a locker room. Mexican Reporter, Mona Lott was ogled and flirted with by testosterone-filled burley athletes, while she flaun...
Read full storyLady Gaga meat helmet, inspired by "The Stig"
First there was the meatkini, then there was the meat dress, now Lady Gaga has come up trumps with a freshly, flesh formed, fashionable fedora. The meat helmet. The pop songbird will be showing everyone her meaty helmet in a new video and also...
Read full storyIrish Taoiseach denies being hungover during 'Morning Ireland' interview
Beleaguered and embattled Irish Premer Brian Cowen has responded angrily to suggestions by Fine Gael members that he was hungover during an interview on Irish radio this morning. Fine Gael's Simon Coveney had tweeted that Mr Cowen sounded somewher...
Read full storySusan Boyle pulls out of Popefest gig blaming frog-in-the-throat disaster!
Edinburgh - (Premature Evacuation News): A hapless Parisian onion seller had to be surgically extracted from the singer's larynx this afternoon. Firemen fought for half an hour before bringing in an oxy-acetylene torch to remove the intrusive dork...
Read full storyAntibiotics Made From Cockroach Brains Next Big Thing
Scientists are working feverishly to find new ways to fight antibiotic-resistant strains of staph bacteria such as e-coli and MRSA, which have become epidemic throughout the world. The one insect you thought might be responsible for spreading such ba...
Read full storyMattHatt Found Snooping Around Boy's Bedroom
Confusion surrounded the arrest yesterday of noted TheSpoof.com writer MattHatt, after he was found snooping around a boy's bedroom in Stoke-on-Trent, supposedly "looking for a story". Hatt, 81, told detectives at the home of Mrs Karen Low-Cal, th...
Read full storyEntertainment Community Rises Up To Put An End To A Malignant Disease - Spencer Pratt
This past weekend entertainers from movies, TV, and music came together to lend their voice in a world-wide campaign to defeat the most malignant cancer of them all. No, not, *that* kind of cancer, but rather the cancer that is reality TV show doofu...
Read full storyGiant 3D Wonderbra Ad Causes Commuter Chaos At London Rail Terminal
The 20 foot advertising hoarding, featuring Brazilian model Sabraine Banado wearing a Wonderbra in 3D has already prompted people jams, with commuters at Waterloo station stopping to gawp, and waiting for their eyes to adjust to the 3D glasses in ord...
Read full storyDemocrats Plan Nancy Pelosi's Going-Away Party
WASHINGTON, DC - House Majority Leader, Steny Hoyer is planning a huge party to celebrate Nancy Pelosi's departure as Speaker of the House. The party will be held in Washington DC on Halloween, October 31. The party will be a costume party and all...
Read full storyFDA Claims that Isolation of T-lymphotropic Retrovirus from Cercocebus atys Reacts to Proteolytic Processing of the Pre-Core, Pre-S1 Polypeptides!
Contrasupporters of the US Food and Drug Administration have come out swinging, criticizing the organization for allegedly curbing research into an effective vaccine against lentivirus protagonists and opportunistic 6T and 6T(S) infections. Infec...
Read full storyMuffler Bearing Industry Forecasts Continuing Layoffs in 2011
While auto repair shop orders for muffler bearings continue to drop and direct to consumer sales virtually nonexistent, additional layoffs are expected across the muffler bearing industry well into 2011, says manufacturing analyst, Ben Onabender.
Read full storyBikinis Worn To Church
Every weekend for the past four years, according to an article from "The Ugly Truth", the members of the New Beginnings Ministries church in Landsworth, Ohio have gathered together in front of The Foxy Box Strip Club and attempted to shame customers...
Read full storyAhmadinejad to Discuss Golf Swing Pronation at UN Next Week
Next week is the Annual General Assembly meeting of the United Nations, to be attended by all of the world leaders including Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Today UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon released the text of the speech to be delivered...
Read full storyLocal man leaves toilet seat up
Trouble was brewing in a leafy London suburb this morning when the usual domestic bliss behind a generic domiciles facade was shattered by the negligence of an unthinking oaf. Local resident, Ms Georgia Wolf, awoke as she usually does on a weekday...
Read full storyJets Sign TV Azteca's Inés Sainz as 3rd Down Possession Receiver
The New York Jets signed Inés Sainz of the Mexican television network TV Azteca to be a 3rd down possession receiver, clearing up the misunderstanding this week when Dennis Thurman, the team's defensive backs coach, purposely overthrew passes to land...
Read full story"Incoming, F--kers!" Shots Fired into Mexico By U.S. Border Patrol Agents
U.S. Border Patrol agents fired gunshots into Mexico over the weekend, just to remind them who has the big, swinging d-ck in North America, using an attack during a marijuana seizure in Mission, Texas, as an excuse. "Nuestros agentes recibieron di...
Read full storyMan survives Yo-Yo suicide attempt
Clifton Suspension Bridge, Bristol, UK. Sightseers at Brunel's landmark bridge over the Avon Gorge were stunned when a man calmly stood in front of them and tossed himself off. "I saw this guy walking along with a huge bundle of rope under his arm...
Read full storyRare Roman helmet found in dump of "The Stig"
A metal detector enthusiast in Cumbria has discovered a rare Roman bronze helmet complete with face-mask, believed to belong to an ancient charioteer who would have been the historical equivalent of our modern day "The Stig" The helmet would have...
Read full storyLack of Phone Booths causes Superman's identity to be revealed
With the increase in the number of mobile (cell) phones across the world, there has been a corresponding drop in the number of phone booths (call boxes). This has forced Superman to become more inventive in his choice of places to get changed. Ini...
Read full storyLocal man breaks internet
The moon landing. Kennedy's grassy knoll and a book suppository. Cat in a wheelie bin. You all remember where you were when these monumentous news events occurred and the story broke. Years from now, people will be talking about that fateful...
Read full storyIt can't be true
I find it rather hard to believe that the former thirteen pints a day macho man Willie Hague prefers dipping his wick in the stink rather that the pink. Just because he occasionally shares a room with another male of the opposite persuasion doesn't m...
Read full storyHave You Seen This Man?
Have you seen this man? He is wanted for his dinner. His name is John and he lives at number 43, Hollow Oaks. He answers to the name 'John' or 'Dave' or 'Speccy Bob'. In fact he'll answer to any name so long as you shout it loud enough. John is a librarian by day, but by night he dons his top hat, coat and tails and dances through the streets, whistling and twirling to all those old ti...
Read full storyDear Doctor Dorothy - Proctology
Dear Doctor Dorothy. I recently had to visit a proctologist as I had an inflamed prostate. The examination was uncomfortable, but otherwise fine, however, since that examination, I cannot stop farting. Will this subside on its own, or should I go back to be vented? Yours, A R Strumpet of Levenshume. Dear Arse Trumpet. First off, there is no need to be coy about admitting your first h...
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