Written by anthonyrosania

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

image for For Verizon's 'Can You Hear Me Now' Guy, "Rule The Air" Means "Foreclose on my McMansion."
ABOVE: Many forget that the 1st Gen. iPhone lacked such luxury items as a speaker or microphone. 822 million units were sold.

"For the last three years, girls would just slam their breasts in my face, and ask, 'Can you hear me now?' It was magical."

Since 2002, Verizon's 'Can You Hear Me Now' Guy, whose name I am far too lazy to Google, has been the nerdy, puffy and slightly effeminate face of Verizon Wireless, the company that ceaselessly reminds you that, a.), they have cellular antennae plastered to every flagpole, water tower and NBA Center in North America, and, b.) f--k AT&T and their iPhone.

Now that they've got the "you'll have network access even in the seventh circle of Hell" message out there, Verizon's messaging is, "We don't need Apple, Inc.'s glorified MP3 player, we got Droids. Mazel-tov, assbags."

And the 'can you hear me now' guy is now the 'can you hire me, please?' guy.

Who Is Paul Marcarelli?

Who the f--k cares? Just kidding! Paul is the 40-year-old American actor best known as the "Test Man" character in the "Can you hear me now?" ads for Verizon Wireless. He appeared in each and every single God-forsaken Verizon commercial until 2010, when his character developed a cancerous brain tumor right where his Verizon Wireless phone rested against his head. Or so I've read.

As a screenwriter, his film Sweet Flame, starring Mira Sorvino and the weird looking kid from E.T., was released in 2008 and promptly reached "Clearance" status in Blockbuster Video stores in 11 states.

Marcarelli also has a twin brother, Matthew, who has a real job.

Verizon bosses met with employees recently, in order to fill them in on the new Rule The Air campaign, and ti inform that they definitely decided not to carry Apple's iPhone.

"Yeah, we're not interested in that piece of sh-t," said Verizon's CEO, whose name I am also too lazy to Google. "We have no interest in the 36 million iPhones that have already sold in 2010. And f--k the iPhone 4. Our growing family of Droid-branded smartphones are much better."

"Since we can't have the phone that all the cool kids have, we will instead Rule The Air."

When asked for comment, evil dictator Steve Jobs merely giggled and then swan-dove into a vat of money.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: iPhone, Verizon

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