Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Love Cameron and Clegg
Fey, faery teenage vampyres Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are revelling in the UK's new Cam-Clegg-Lib-Dem-Con-Dem Coalition, a source close to a tissue of falsehoods told The Daily Sphincter yesterday, writes Political Editor Carrie Onlying...
Read full storyLesbian, Lesbian, Lesbian
Fantastic Thursday night entertainment on TV as Kirsty and Phil present their new property show for hot carpet munchers called Lesbian, Lesbian, Lesbian. A cracking brunette and her equally sexy blond friend go looking for a property in Surrey so...
Read full storyEd and David Miliband Form Coalition To Run For Labour Leadership
After a recent poll showed David Miliband topping the odds of winning the Labour Party leadership contest, and Ed Miliband following up in second place, the brothers today decided to form an alliance. They have announced their intention to run toget...
Read full storyLavender Magazine Ranks Barney Frank "Most Influential Power Bottom"
Barney Frank isn't just the Representative from the great state of Massachusetts, he's now the most influential power bottom in America, according to Lavender magazine-a publication dedicated to serving the mighty homosexual. Lav (as it's known) l...
Read full storyHerschel Telescope Spots Giant Eye Looking Into Hole In Space
The Herschel Telescope has discovered what appears to be a giant eyeball peering through the hole in space. The discovery was made around 9:52 EST and has the scientific community baffled. "From our estimates, we believe the eyeball to be aroun...
Read full storyCheap flights to London via Iceland, from most airports world-wide
An airline in Iceland is offering cheap flights to London, travelling via Iceland. You first have to GET to Iceland of course and then, if visibility is good, you head for the airport. Avoid lava flows if at all possible and keep an oxygen mask...
Read full storyChelsea and Portsmouth to practice slipping over at Wembley before the Cup Final
For the first time in the history of the FA Cup, the finalists have been given the opportunity to train on the Wembley pitch on Friday, immediately prior to Saturday's final. However, the sessions will coincide with three other events; The East of E...
Read full storyCigarette Butts, the Elixir of Life for Chinese Waterways
General Tsao, China. Scientists from Philo Doris Tobacco in Shanghai have announced there is a good reason to keep smoking in China. Cigarette butts are toxic enough to kill invasive species fish (darn rainbows), while the local fish (majestic carp...
Read full storySarah Palin Denies Existence Of Gaa...Barack Obama
In an interview today with Fox News Sean Hannity, Sarah Palin denied the existence of President Barack Obama. Citing her solipsistic view that that the self can know nothing but its own modifications and that the self is the only existent thing, "it...
Read full storyBritney Spears Fires Her Agent & Boyfriend! Advertising For One With More Stamina
Things must be a lot worse than has been reported about the fighting between Britney Spears and boyfriend, Jason Trawick, as Britney fired him as her agent and her boyfriend. Britney reportedly told a source that she had killed two bird brains wi...
Read full storySexual Dichotomy - Natural Order Blown Away by the 21st Century
Clothing, the pill, women in the infantry, men in drag, stay at home dads, unisex clothes, all blur the natural order of yin and yang. 'Yin & Yang Sports Drinks' further confuse the issue. What sex is a pink drink called 'Testosterone Booster'?...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson To Kristen: For Pete's Sake, He's An Old Man!
The jealousy bug has hit Robert Pattinson recently as he is very upset with co-star and girlfriend, Kristen Stewart. "I guess it was bound to happen after the shooting began on this last Twilight", stated one cameraman. "It's about using the chara...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Defends Her Grinding Lap Dance By Saying, "Hey People, I Had Shorts On"
LOS ANGELES - Miley Cyrus was having a pedicure at The Rice Paddy of Vietnam Pedicure Palace when she was asked about the incident at the 'wrap party' for her movie The Last Song. Miley asked if the reference was to the film's makeup artist Bubble...
Read full storyWife Convicted of Getting Husband Hammered
SALT LAKE CITY, UT - A Utah woman has been sentenced to 30 days at home with an ankle monitor for blindfolding her husband and promising him a surprise before hitting him in the head with a hammer three years ago. Her defense - practicing for her...
Read full storyExercise Leads to Sexual Dysfunction
LONDON -- A British woman is now suffering from persistent sexual arousal syndrome after accidentally falling from her Nintendo Wii Fit board. The condition sexually arouses her whenever she feels slight vibrations from a cell phone or other mechanic...
Read full storyFemale TSA Agent Body Scans Employees
MIAMI, FL. -- A female TSA supervisor has been suspended without pay for misusing the recently installed airport body scanner. Sources say the as yet unnamed supervisor digitally photographed most of her male employees with its new high-tech security...
Read full storyJohn Terry's in the News again
John Terry's in the News again thanks to his dad. As if the Chelsea and England footballer didn't have enough to contend with, now his father's becoming a bit of an embarrassment. Terry's dad is up on drug charges. If this is an example of o...
Read full storyJohn Terry's Dad Admits "My Son Is A Footballer"
Woking Crown Court heard today that Edward Terry admitted being the father of a footballer. Terry, 56, admitted supplying the world with a center half and is expected to be found guilty. He faces a maximum sentence of seven years as a season ticket h...
Read full storyThe Pope prays to Fatima in Portugal hoping she can convert his flock of naughty "Black Sheep"
In a desperate final attempt to save the Catholic church from the wrath of God, the Pope has travelled to Portugal and amidst thousands of his dumb, blind, ignorant, docile followers has asked Fatima for guidance. The Pope realises that there are...
Read full storyCola Company Installs Gold Vending Machine
Abu Dhabi - In a first of its kind marketing scheme, Peppy Cola the American cola company has installed a vending machine that actually returns gold when it receives a deposit of any competitor's soft drink. By depositing the competitor's bottled dri...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus, Liam Hemsworth Hospital Record Of Near-Death Surfaces
Although it was all the way back to April 7th over a month ago, both Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth apparently had a near-death experience that is just now being reported. As any good reporter will tell you, paying off people in service like a ho...
Read full storyGossip Girl Taylor Momsen - Armed And Dangerous
It seems that the revelation that 'Gossip Girl' teen queen Taylor Momsen routinely carries knives in her bag is just the tip of the iceberg, and concerned parents are up in arms. The blonde 16 year old starlet, renowned for wearing way too much sl...
Read full storyPaul Daniels - Britain's Sexiest Man!
Following revelations that the diminutive magician has entertained over 300 lovers in his largely hairless life, Paul Daniels has been confirmed, nay cemented as 'Britain's Sexiest Man' So says Ivy Oakenleaf of North Shields, Tyne and Wear, the 76...
Read full storyFried Chicken Franchise Forced to Switch to Mock Chicken
LOUISVILLE, KY -- The world's most popular chicken restaurant chain, Kenny's Fried Chicken, more widely known as KFC, has finally succumbed to the seven years of pressure from animal rights groups to change its chicken menus. The negative publicity g...
Read full storyMan with Big Mouth Assaulted by Man with Small Penis
Miami, FL - Here's a tip. If you are going to insult someone who carries a police baton, you better be sure you have someone watching your back. A male airport security officer is accused of assaulting a fellow employee with a police baton because he...
Read full storyRussell Crowe as Robin Hood is payback for Mick Jagger as Ned Kelly
Australian actor Russell Crowe admitted today that he was persuaded to take the role of iconic English character Robin Hood after being shown the 1970 film 'Ned Kelly' starring Mick Jagger as the legendary Australian. Although Crowe was born in Ne...
Read full storyCheryl Cole to post bail in brother's armed robbery arrest
Tyneside - (Smoking Barrel Stuff): Oops! That squeaky clean glamorous sheen of stardom is beginning to look a bit tarnished. This morning singer Cheryl Cole's errant brother was arrested in a dawn raid on armed robbery charges. Andrew Tweedy is...
Read full storyJack Straw Ruled Out of Leadership Race
Jack Straw has been sensationally ruled out of the Labour leadership race on the grounds that he is a useless politician and nobody in their right mind will vote for him. Straw consulted his wife over breakfast and was informed that she would neve...
Read full storySlug Critical Following Australian Eating Incident
A slug was said to be in a critical condition following eating an Australian after being challenged to a dare by a garden snail. The slug contracted the little known disease Twat Lugworm following eating a twenty one year old from Sydney. New Sout...
Read full storyConey Dogs Delivered; Lives Saved
Lives were indeed spared yesterday with the delivery of a much needed "care" package from the city of Detroit. The corners of the box were still smoking from the apparent evaporating dry ice, and the contents were indeed still frozen. The receivi...
Read full storyGordon Brown found in cupboard at No.10
Ex Prime Minister Gordon Brown has been found hiding in a cupboard near the Cabinet Office at No.10 Downing Street. The discovery was made by cleaning staff shortly after Prime Minister Cameron's historic first Cabinet Meeting of the Liberal-Tory...
Read full storyA deadly fungus ruins Afghan poppy harvest called Taliban dandruff!
A deadly fungus has wiped out this years Afghani opium harvest and the Taliban have blamed the US and their allies for planting it. Poppy growing and opium are one of the major sources of Taliban financing, but there was a slight twist in the tale...
Read full storyArizona Deports Canadian Tourist
Arizona scored another victory in the war to protect its borders from illegal immigration when a Phoenix police officer apprehended an undocumented Canadian while on lunch break at Fries With That All American Cuisine. In casual conversation with...
Read full storyGreen's Claim Victory, Brown Claims He Should Still Be In Charge
It has emerged after the coalition that the biggest winners in the general election were the Green Party. Although they only won one actual seat, the coalition between Conservative Blue and Liberal Yellow has meant that the new government is ConLi...
Read full storyCameron and Clegg form their cabinet
There has been much jostling and re-organising going on at Number Ten Downing Street over the past twenty-four hours, but Clegg and Cameron have emerged with their new Cabinet. "We decided to appoint people based on their surnames," joked Cameron,...
Read full storyRush Limbaugh Says He'd Rather Play With Himself Than Play With President Obama
NEW YORK CITY - GOP mouthpiece Rush Limbaugh has admitted on his radio show that he would much rather play with himself than to play with President Barack Obama. When asked why, the rotund Rush "Mushmouth" Limbaugh said that he is not a racist but...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus and Justin Bieber Go Out For A Bite
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Two of the most popular teens in America were spotted having dinner together at Shanghai Sally's Sushi Diner in West Hollywood. Miley was wearing a cheerleaders outfit and Justin walked in with a hula hoop around his waist. When a...
Read full storyAmerican Idol Sends Its Biggest Contestant Ever Big Mike Lynche Back To The Land of The Oranges
HOLLYWOOD - Past American Idol winner Fantasia "Lets Givem Chumtin Ta Talk About" Barrino performed. I guess it was Fantasia, the whole top portion of her short Africanized 'do' fell down and it completely covered her eyes to the point that if it had...
Read full storyConservative Pundits Accuse Wal-Mart of Having a Socialist Agenda
Wal-Mart, the world's largest retailer, has announced plans to donate $2 billion in food and other goods to food banks and other nonprofit groups that feed the needy. They have also pledged to share their business knowledge to help charities distrib...
Read full storyStatue of Liberty and Godzilla join forces on Dancing with the Stars
Lady Liberty and the popular icon Godzilla have been selected to appear as partners in the July edition of Dancing with the Stars. "We chose July to tie the show in with other Independence Day celebrations," a spokesperson for the show explains…...
Read full storyCrying Babies Added To No Fly List says FAA
Great news for travelers who enjoy flying. The FAA announced Wednesday that crying babies or children that appear irritable will no longer be allowed to board domestic flights. "We have counseled with Homeland Security and in an effort to accommo...
Read full storySusan Boyle on 'home renovations' - to be carried out by Mike Holmes and Bob the Builder
Susan Boyle is having her new home renovated. Mike Holmes has joined forces with Bob the Builder, to carry out this project, which is to be televised as a new 'joint' series, starting in July. Susan agreed to 'go along' with this idea and is reported as having said, "Och, the two wee laddies are so cute. Little Bob there is so adorable with his wee pals. When A first met him he shouted to...
Read full storyLocal Man Warns Of 'The Rapture' The 'End Of Days' And 'Armageddon'
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, was this morning convalescing after a terrifying evening spent watching The History Channel. Shuttlecock, not usually easily convinced by hysterical mumbo-jumbo had to hide behind the sofa after watching a TV show ab...
Read full storyRechargeable Penis Erector Set Now Available To Everyone!*
*Not just Hollywood! - From the people who brought you the TENS units (Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulator) now comes the invention of the new century! It's the battery operated penis tingler that brings on an erection within thirty second...
Read full storyMike Holmes and Bob the Builder join forces for new TV series; Susan Boyle's new home is to be their first project
Mike Holmes and Bob the Builder are going into partnership in an effort to attract a younger, more 'hip' audience. Mike and Bob approached Susan Boyle with an idea for their first series. Susan has agreed that they may completely renovate her new...
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