Jack Straw has been sensationally ruled out of the Labour leadership race on the grounds that he is a useless politician and nobody in their right mind will vote for him.
Straw consulted his wife over breakfast and was informed that she would never vote for him in a million years. He accepted the criticism gracefully, whilst punching her in the stomach.
"I have decided to rule myself out because nobody would rule me in. However, I am still open to all offers. I have made this announcement in a bid to stay in the news. I have only ever wanted to serve myself and I have been doing this quite nicely for nearly 40 years."
Straw was followed in his announcement by John Prescott, who spoke of his intentions to retire to look after his pickled egg collection. These two Labour big shitters will have to sit this one out.
Meanwhile the Milliband sisters, Davina and Edwina, were said to be considering to stand against their better known brothers. Further news to follow.