Written by Erskin Quint

Thursday, 13 May 2010

image for Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Love Cameron and Clegg
A rainbow yesterday.

Fey, faery teenage vampyres Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are revelling in the UK's new Cam-Clegg-Lib-Dem-Con-Dem Coalition, a source close to a tissue of falsehoods told The Daily Sphincter yesterday, writes Political Editor Carrie Onlying

Our source, who is close to a gin bottle, said that Pattinson and Stewart - the whitely-wasted, pertly-pallid and gorgeously-grey Twilight stars who are sexily semi-human and ethereally-erotically anaemically-attractive and bloodlessly-bonkable - were initially dismayed by the prospect of a garishly-hued "Rainbow Alliance" taking over the government of Britain, which is the small country that houses the bohemian apartment in Much Wenlock, Shropshire, where the pair escape to, when being young, sexy and famous becomes all a bit too much for their rarified and hyper-sensitive sensibilities.

Apparently the poor things were very distressed, as they hate the sunlight and anything that is at all lively and colourful. "Robert and Kristen actually spent one day in an airing cupboard in their bohemian Much Wenlock apartment in Shropshire", revealed our source. "That's how scared they were of this 'Rainbow Alliance'.

"Their twilight co-star Taylor Lautner - who was down for a long weekend - tried his best to talk them out of the airing cupboard. He tried to comfort RPattz - who was particularly traumatised - that the hateful, nasty 'Rainbow Alliance' was in fact made up of the wacky characters Geoffrey, Bungle, Zippy and George from much-loved childrens TV show 'Rainbow'", said our source, who was always close to a stiff drink.

"But it was a disaster", the source told us, refilling his tumbler. "For that only made RPattz worse. He was crying like a child. It seems that he had been scared by being forced to watch a video of 'Rainbow' by an hirsute, pipe-smoking, toothless second cousin from Todmorden when he was really young, and the whole thing also reminded him of the sinister, lisping 'Hartley Hare' character from bizarre Kids TV show 'Pipkins', which was another favourite of the abusive hirsute second cousin, who later became a Catholic Priest.

"Robert and Kristen were so relieved when they later found out that the "Rainbow Alliance" had collapsed, and that nice David Cameron and Nick Clegg had formed their Coalition of Cool Clones.

"'These guys are so cool', Kristen told Robert when she found out about the Con-Dem-Nation Deal from the TV and finally got him to come out of the airing cupboard."

The reason that the translucently-Transylvanian and tantalising twosome so loved the idea of Dave and Nicky's ToryLib Toy Tea Party, is that it is so washed-out and colourless and grim. Just the thing for a pair of wan, moody vampyre-children who are star-crossed and far too precious for the world of cacophonous colours and horrific hues.

Our source - who was by now close to delirium - said that RPattz and Kristen just loved the concept of whey-faced boy politicians like Cameron and Clegg, and that the Twilight Two had researched the Conservatives and were delighted to discover within the Tory ranks such Children of the Night as Norman Lamont, William Hague, Michael Howard, the dough-faced albino monster Boris Johnson and the elegantly-effete bloated phantom George Osborne ('he's so 18th century like a mad aristocrat: I'd just love him to take me', said Kristen, apparently, though it might have been Robert).

It does indeed seem that the UK has entered a real period of Political Twilight!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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