Vince Cable, the coalition government's business secretary, formally outlines his banking reform proposals today. It comes only a day before Prime Minister's questions, when he releases the draft in full and puts the bill before the house.
An anonymous Westminster source gained The Spoof! early access to the bill, whose contents are reproduced here. The Draft Banking Reform Bill supercedes previous legislation on the issue, seen by many as weak-hearted and limp-wristed. Cable and his acolytes are upbeat about the proposals, saying that they represent a "sea change" in financial governance and the banking sector.
In draft form, the bill consists of 11 key pledges, or charter promises. When enacted the bill becomes binding and compliance is mandatory. In outline, it is as follows:
(i) No members of the public or media organisations shall make slanderous accusations against Banks, Bankers or their families. Libel, or printed slander, will be taken seriously. Bankers will no longer be referred to as wunches, under threat of serious legal action.
(ii) Equally, allegations against bankers for which legitimate evidence is collected and a case made, that is, those proved true, should be prioritised for publication, and never impeded except in very extreme instances, for example where there are national security implications.
(iii) A distinction shall be drawn between public service and commercial banking arms of banking groups. Commercial banking arms must be made separate from public sector ones. This means investors money is not used to trade on the stock market.
(iv) All bankers must sit an ethics test that is stringently developed and exacting in its analysis. This will root out psychopaths, who are known to represent a larger proportion than average of those employed in banking.
(v) Bankers shall be remunerated according to the work they do. No matter how marvellous their achievements, bankers shall receive no more than £100,000 per year, with a maximum bonus of £50,000 depending on performance.
(vi) Bankers who are not in favour of points (i) to (v) and choose to leave the industry, or "take their talents elsewhere" as some have threatened, will go onto a government database, allowing all future employers to see their banking record via a secure online database.
(vii) All employers engaged in productive industries such as manufacturing, transport, construction, food production, agriculture and many service jobs such as street cleaning, roads maintenance etc are precluded from accepting ex-bankers looking for employment. Ex-bankers are only entitled to work in pen-pushing and paper shuffling capacities, such as those found within many so-called service industries. All employers are compelled by law to check prospective job applicants against the bankers database mentioned in (vi)
(viii) Each day, bankers must have their urine tested, and be breathlysed before entering their work building. After all, given the regard with which money is held as the be all and end all, they are engaged in an extremely vital occupation, tasked with "making money" - so precautions such as these are only right and necessary.
(ix) No commercial banker shall earn more than double any lowly bank clerk working in customer banking in an average high street branch.
(x) Independent arbiters shall assess bankers' trading performance on an ongoing basis. A computer system is to be developed which monitors bankers automatically, flagging up rule-breakers and all types of corrupt trading practices, e.g. short-selling and insider dealing.
(xi) Bankers who break the rules are dealt with by a three-strikes and you're out policy. Those bankers who are fired on the third strike beacuse of continuous wrongdoing are forbidden from gaining new employment in banking or any financial-related activity. As per all bankers, they are also prohibited from worjking in the other sectors outlined in (vii).
