Just past midnight on Tuesday, May 7, TV Stations, newspapers, and anyone with an email address received a message that purported to be from Saint Peter. As newsmen tried to disprove the authenticity of the message, there seemed to be no other answer than, it was a miracle!
The message read in part,
"To all human beings on Earth: We have made a decision here in heaven, one that has been directed by God and approved wholeheartedly by his Son and the other saints. We have had it, folks! The Gate is closed. With rare exceptions, we are sending all future applicants to other locations. Humans, you have really screwed it up.
"We knew when we started with you guys, it wouldn't be easy. We gave you dominion over the earth and the critters, we sent you to new and beautiful places to inhabit, and in which, to multiply. What did you do? Hate, prejudice, destruction of the earth, and kill, baby, kill. OK, you were beginners. So, we waited, and we waited, and we waited some more. What happened? Two thousand years later and you are still doing the same, only with better looking clothes.
"God is saying, enough is enough, already. For two thousand years, he and a few of our best and brightest have been trying to say in the gentlest way possible, my way, or the highway. But NO, not you. You murdered each other, tortured and killed the animals, and you totally mucked up the planet. And then, Adam & Eve thought they would have a quickie. Go figure!
"Frankly, the last straw was when some of your smart money guys, stole the pearls from the Pearly Gate, bundled them as derivatives, and sold them to Satan without even a yes, please or thank you."
The message ended with the following statement: "God knows, we have tried until we cried! So, sayonara, assholes, don't let the gates of hell hit you in the ass, purgatory is almost full, and you've got oil for holy water. In closing, let me say for all of us up here, don't call us, we'll call you."
