Ashley Cole Dates Spitting Image of Cheryl Cole
It has been a tough few weeks for top UK narcissist Ashley Cole, writes Kelly Seye, Egotism & Airhead Correspondent. The self-stimulating superstar, part-time fashion accessory and up-himself moron (who also plays football for Melchester Rovers...
Read full storyHelen Thomas' Memoirs Details The Night She Caused Barney Frank To Turn Gay!
Following closely on the heels of Helen Thomas's abrupt dumping from her job at Hearst Newspapers and a withdrawal of a Presidential invitation to Wednesday Night at the Movies where Michelle was replaying Schindler's List, the disgraced journalist...
Read full storyFox goes on rampage in London killing 12
A crazed fox has run rampage in North London killing 12 before taking it's own life by throwing itself in front of a bus. The fox began its killing spree by murdering its own twin brother before ripping the head of an owl. It then savaged a badger...
Read full storyScuzzy Vulture Ex Wife Sold Pictures of Gary Coleman's Death
Proving that some humans have no end to how low they will sink, it has been revealed that Gary Coleman's ex-wife, Shannon "Dirtbag" Price, has sold pictures of the dead -and dying- teacup-sized actor to a tabloid. The photos show a bloodied Colema...
Read full storyJustin Bieber's Deal With Devil Revealed!
Talentless suspected transsexual teen traded immortal soul for fleeting fame. Hack teen heartthrob Justin Bieber sold his soul to the Devil in late 2008, say sources close to him. "While there is a standard 'Sell Your Soul for Fleeting Fame' C...
Read full storyShocking Revelation: Most Census Workers Never Learned to Count But California Now Home to 225M Liberals!
More shocking revelations emanating today from Census Districts around the country as investigative reporters are learning that the Regime's multi-billion dollar ponzi scheme is just that....a massive fraud perpetrated by the Obama Administration.
Read full storyJames Corden taken into care by RSPCA
Following a call received yesterday, the RSPCA dispatched a number of animal handlers to deal with "an out of control baboon" that was "terrorising the public". Arriving at the scene, the handlers were surprised to see that the desperate mammal wa...
Read full storyNew Orleans Mayor Says "We Be Needin' Us A Damn Hurricane Ta Blow All Of Dis Effen Oil Shit Da Hell Outta Here Fa Shizzle My Nizzle!"
NEW ORLEANS - The mayor of New Orleans Tyrone "Bling Bling" Du Maupassant-Etouffee has said that the Gulf of Mexico BP oil mess has reached catastrophic proportions. He noted that the Louisiana alligator suitcase industry and the alligator shoe in...
Read full storyAnarchy in the UK 'Best of all Time'
The World Music Federation has concluded a world wide survey of the best of popular music of all time. The results are bound to cause uproar throughout the entertainment industry. TOP Popular Music is 'Anarchy in the UK' by the Sex Pistols. The choice may overturn the British Government. Second was 'Empty Bed Blues' by Bessie Smith. Public sympathy for this choice is assured. Third...
Read full storyUK government to replace all CCTV cameras in Central London with 'one giant eye in the sky'
The new UK government is planning a £300 billion upgrade to CCTV cameras in the capital. The plan is to scrap all the current cameras (currently around 600,000) and replace them with one giant camera which hovers 300 feet above the city. 'Using s...
Read full storyApple releases latest splurge item
The latest big white release from apple is the iWank, the most sought after gadget ever released by the company in the last five minutes. The iWank is specially designed not to do anything that a much cheaper laptop couldn't do, but the iWank does...
Read full storyThierry Henry keen to leave Barcelona for Arsenal
Henry is keen to leave Barcelona on an emotional return to the Gunners this Summer. Thierry Henry was linked with many moves this summer to other clubs such as West Ham and Red Bulls. Thierry Henry released a statement at the end of the Arsenal v...
Read full storyBAFTA Award Scandal
Charges of corruption in the awarding of Baftas have been met by hot denials from the organisers. However we have seen secretly filmed footage of a Screws of the World reporter, disguised as a conveyor of Bafta Awards, receiving considerable sums of...
Read full storyKate Plus 8 : Kate Returns And Takes The Kids To Sea Cove Where She Gets Bit By A Penguin
READING, Pennsylvania - After having her reality show Jon and Kate Plus 8 cancelled, divorcing Jon, and making a complete fool of herself on Dancing With The Stars, Kate Gosselin, alias King Kate is back, $7,000 hair extensions and all. And that i...
Read full storyRed Hot Sex After Going Green!
Yes it's possible according to Sexpert Jamie Lynn Stevenson of "Mother Of All Orgasms!", an organization that is earth friendly while not becoming negative. How? For one thing, you can go completely nude all day long until company comes over. U...
Read full storyTheSpoof Personal Ads Section
Personal Ads -- M-F-Uncertain-Gay-Unhappily Gay--Dog Lovers Men seeking women: 60'ish, fairly well hung, male, RC Monsignor, West Virginian-Jesuit, seeks love match with large breasted, thunder-thighed, small footed, cross-eyed, female dwarf with delusions of granduer for quickie phone sex. Call (304) 555-1212, ask for information. 22-year-old college grad seeks woman with no education...
Read full storyBP Hires Wiley Coyote's Acme Corporation To Help With Oil Spill
Acme Corporation is reporting a huge profit upswing this month. Acme is the chief supplier of underwater doo-dads for BP Corporation, the sponsors of what is now the largest oil spill ever. BP has been buying heavily from Acme in its attempts to up c...
Read full storyA Triology: Madness part I,2 and 3: Part I, Madness in the past.
Professor Loonibin Jaggedbananas-Fyffes (no relation to the Scottish version) is about to publish a world shattering study in the form of a triology of the past, present and future of "Madness" or in colloquial terms and common dialect "fucking bonkers" or Sugs. Part I Significantly, madness always flew over a sparrows nest until some mad US fucker decided to sing about it. Way back wh...
Read full storyPorn Actor Falls Off Cliff After Stepping On His Pecker, Pecker To Be Auctioned Off!
A SWAT team had suspect Ivan Longer Still, also known as "Dick Long", trapped on a hillside as he was a suspect in the killing of a co-worker. When Still, apparently trying to negotiate a steep trail, stepped on his penis and fell off. The stan...
Read full storyHooligan World Cup starts earlier than planned and top favourites England are already KO'd!
The "Hooligan" World Cup has started earlier than planned because the favourites, England, Poland, Germany and Argentinia are worried about being attacked by rampant Zulu's or machete bearing Tutsi's. It was planned to start on the same day as the...
Read full storyPinocchio-like frog discovered
A new species of frog has been discovered in Indonesia's Foja mountains. The male of this species has a long protruberance which points upwards and grows when the male is calling, but deflates and flops when he is inactive. What, I ask, is so 'ne...
Read full storyHelen Thomas Blames The Spoof for Latest Woes
Washington, D.C. - Fur continues to fly over what some claim are very divisive comments by White House reporter Helen Thomas regarding Israel's presence in Palestine. While Helen has apologized to everyone regarding the flap, the issue is just not go...
Read full storyHelen Thomas Denies Being Anti-Semite: Loves People With Big Beaks
Helen Thomas, vilified for her statement that Israel Jews should go back to Poland and Germany, modified her remarks after it was pointed out that she had a "Semite sized nose." Helen, who is known for her off the wall questions during White House...
Read full storySandra Bullock Kisses Scarlett Johansson On MTV Awards
This is what you'll be missing, Jesse James! Sandra Bullock then walked over to the Award presenter and planted a two-handed, face-holding smooch on Scarlett Johansson at last night's MTV Movie Awards, then shrugged it off. "Now we can get back to no...
Read full storySimon Cowell's V-Neck T-Shirts Flying off Shelves at Wal-Mart
Hicksville, GA - The hottest item to hit Wal-Mart stores this summer is the Simon Cowell brand V-Neck T-Shirt that comes in a package with Simon Cowell's own signature across the front. The stores can't keep them in stock. They sell for $5 each or a...
Read full storyKate Gosselin and Joran van der Sloot Tapped for Tarantino Remake of 'Death be not Proud!'
Follywood is abuzz with the electric news that Master of Gore, Quentin Tarintino has cast Kate Gosselin and Joran van der Sloot as the leads in the remake of John Gunther's heroic novel "Death Be Not Proud' along with his promise of a new and hor...
Read full storyBarcelona capture Fabregas.
Arsenal midfielder Cesc Fabregas has been captured by Barcelona - and they're not letting him go. The Catalan giants refused to comment, although speculation is rife that Fabregas is being held at La Masia, an academy-cum-torture confinement for d...
Read full storyThe New Orleans Hornets To Change Their Name To The New Orleans Tar Balls
NEW ORLEANS -Gary Chouest, owner of the NBA New Orleans Saints has just announced at a corporate breakfast that he has decided to change the name of his basketball team. Chouest said that his team's recent 32-41 record is not the reason for his de...
Read full storyDrunken chavs 'more dangerous than snakes'
An experiment in Dewsbury has concluded that drunken chavs are more dangerous than a pit of snakes or hungry tigers. A Chinese man who agreed to partake in the survey was first dropped into a pit of snakes and then into a large cage containing 3 s...
Read full storyTexas Cowpoke Gets Five Years for Sodomy
Following a rash of concerned citizen reports from various locations around the Texas panhandle, 43 year old Timothy "Tex" Tunstle was arrested yesterday in Booker, Texas on three separate counts of cattle sodomy. While claiming that he was only t...
Read full storyPeterborough and Krakow Wife Swap
The twinned towns of Peterborough and Krakow are to swap wives in what is expected to be one of the most complicated legal and logistical wedding events ever witnessed. All of the towns solicitors and those of nearby Newmarket and Huntingdon are s...
Read full storyCalderon Rehires Van der Sloot to Relaunch New Mexican Tourist Incentive: Lose Your Heart In Cancun!
Mexico's murder rate went up by six this weekend, now topping 22,600 since 2006, with the discovery of 6 more victims, three who had their 'hearts ripped out' as part of Felipe Calderon's incentive to promote tourism while criticizing Arizona's crack...
Read full storyStuart Cable predicted booze and coke 'would be the death of him'
Wales - (RIP Mess): The Stereophonics drummer had recently done a geographical moving to an isolated Welsh village to escape the toxic demons 'that drove him mental'. He was found dead in bed this morning at his home in the tiny hamlet of Llwydcoe...
Read full storyBanks and Chavs don't mix
Nationwide's advertising strategy appears to backfired in the classic banking pitfall of 'trying to be funny'. Since the dawn of TV advertising, banks awash with cash, have always drempt of being popular, funny or interesting but they have never b...
Read full storyDerrick Bird was the Smoke Monster
Following further detailed investigations and snooping, Phoenix Joe can reveal that Birdy's obsession with the TV series Lost went deeper than most people imagined. Original theories suggested that Bird's disenchantment with the controversial end...
Read full storyUS Postal comes clean
US Postal, Lance Armstrong's former cycling team admitted to cheating during his 7 Tour de France victories. In a strange twist, Armstrong himself remains untainted- US Postal say he knew nothing of their scams. This latest revelation continues th...
Read full storyGiant sinkhole fears for Royal Ascot
Ascot - (Leeches): A Guatamalan-sized giant sinkhole in Ascot's balance sheet is playing havoc with next week's five day royal meeting. Forensic accountants probing Ascot's finances said a Deepwater Horizon-style haemorrhage has bled dry the racec...
Read full storyLesbian Out - Biebain's In
Just when you thought you had read it all, along comes another Justin Bieber story. Yawning away reading about Bieber maybe good for insominac's though for fans, well they just can't get enough of the young 16 year old money making machine. New...
Read full storyDavid Cameron to put UK on Ebay
In a private conversation with Phoenix Joe at a House of Commons bar, Prime Minister David Cameron revealed that the economic plight of the UK is actually far worse than he had dared to think. Dave finished his large G&T, stared into the empty...
Read full storyJustin Bieber Attacked By Seagull!
Whether Justin's Gay or not, his tattoos aren't helping his macho image. Recently, Bieber had a Seagull inked on his pelvis, complimenting his hip hop bone. The family say it's tradition, they all (the family) have the beach bird embedded on th...
Read full storyRichard Dawkins finds God
Shock waves have been cascading through the Humanist community on the announcement by Richard Dawkins, dubbed the 'Archbishop of Atheism', that he now believes in God. 'I must confess' he said at his Oxford home 'that I have been praying for some...
Read full storyLimbaugh, Elton John Dance to "Rocket Man" at Reception
Married for the fourth time, Rush Limbaugh decided to go all out this time around. He even hired Elton John to sing for him, and apparently the two supposedly diametrically opposed men discovered that they had a little more in common than either one...
Read full storyBP solve the oil crisis
New Orleans, Louisiana. Information to hand suggests that authorities have come up with an effective way to seal the leaking oil pipe in the depths of the Gulf of Mexico. American Idol judge and impresario, Simon Cowell, has been apprehended by B...
Read full storyDogs Now Allowed To Live in Some U.S. College Dorms
Dogs all over the country were shocked when they read about this in their newspapers. For many of them, it was not good news. For example, Fido, a New York cocker spaniel, said, "It shouldn't be assumed that we all want to go to college." He...
Read full storyDumb-ass Texans WR Outsmarts Himself Out Of $20 Million
A truth: A lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client. Knucklehead jock Andre Johnson has fu-ked himself out of $20 million, all because he represented himself during contract negotiations. See, Johnson represented himself when he sign...
Read full storySandra Bullock Cheats on Jesse With Hot Chick - on TV!
Strangely hot Sandra Bullock just made out with kinda-hot-now-but-with-boobs-that'll-look-like-2-grocery-bags-full-of-wet-sand-in-ten-years actress Scarlett Johansson at the MTV Movie Awards. Sandra received the "Generation Award", which is some b...
Read full storyJames Cameron Opts Out - More Hollywood Directors Sought
Well known for his abusive directing techniques within Hollywood, James Cameron was recently invited to the White House ostensibly in order to help solve the BP Oil Spill. In actuality, many insiders are commenting that the only reason Cameron was in...
Read full storyPenis Falls 45 feet To Its Death, Murder Suspect Attached. REVISED
The penis of unsuccessful porn actor and successful murderer Stephen Hill ended its life today, carrying Hill along with it. The Love Truncheon's last moments were caught on tape by stunned news crews, who told us what they saw: "It looked like...
Read full storyPorn Star Stephen Clancy Hill Chopped Off Penis Before Death
News just breaking is that porn star and killer Stephen Clancy Hill, who today killed himself, chopped off his own penis and ate it before committing suicide. Hill, who performed under the stage name Steve Driver, last week murdered colleague, Tom...
Read full storyKate Gosselin Claims Jon Tried to Sabotage New Show
Wyomissing, PA - Just hours after Kate Gosselin stated that things between her and her ex-husband Jon were going ok, all hell broke loose. The kids were dropped off after a visit with dad and were walking into the house with baggies full of grape...
Read full storyCell Phone Maker Introduces World's First Suppository Device
RamJac Inc., a lesser known player in the cell phone industry, announced Monday that it would be introducing a new line of suppository cell phones. Placed in the rectum, the new phones have a dual use on both the business as well as medical front.
Read full storyThree arrests as water fight in Hyde Park got out of control
Three people have been arrested after a so called 'innocent' water fight took place recently in Hyde Park, London, England. More than 1500 people were said to have taken part in the event in Hyde Park . A spokesperson for 'Clean Water for Ever...
Read full storySchools failing to teach children the core beliefs of Christianity, says Ofsted - I say leave religion out of schools
As an 'educator' as teachers are now called, I worry about the rationale behind the headline that I read today: SHOOLS FAILING TO TEACH CHILDREN THE CORE BELIEFS OF CHRISTIANITY, SAYS OFSTED Christ, I am so glad I don't teach in England these days...
Read full storyPresident Obama Knew Early About Oil Leak Fiasco!
President Obama knew about the BP oil leak within hours after it happened according to a report in a Washington DC newspaper, plus Barack Obama's mother-in-law, Marian Robinson. . "Barack came into the White House after talking wi...
Read full storyBP: A Virgin Sacrifice The Only Guaranteed Answer, But Can We Find One?
A spokesman for the BP Oil Company says that the cap they placed on the leaking oil well in the Gulf was only partially successful...well, say ten to thirty percent. Immediately the crowd booed, sandals were thrown and he was then hit by nearly a...
Read full storySandra Bullock: Michelle "Bombshell" McGee Has Completed Idiots School
"Bombshell" McGee, who seems to be the main reason Jesse James and Sandra Bullock are no longer together, showed reporters her diploma from "Dipshit U." She was wearing a Nazi uniform while talking to reporters. Did she break up the James/Bullo...
Read full storyMore "Suspicious" White House Job Influence Beyond Sestak and Romanoff
WASHINGTON DC - Although "candidate and job discussions" from the White House to Andrew Romanoff and Congressman Sestak have not been raised to the level of "chargeable criminal offenses," the impropriety of Obama administration officials is CERTAINL...
Read full storyNorth Korea Fields Team for World Cup; Secret Weapon Rumors Abound
Johannesburg -- As teams from around the world arrive in South Africa in preparation for the 2010 World Cup, one team in particular looms as particularly threatening. Last having fielded a World Cup team in 1966, North Korea's reputation for the u...
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