Helen Thomas' Memoirs Details The Night She Caused Barney Frank To Turn Gay!

Funny story written by Morse

Monday, 7 June 2010


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Thomas Hired by Aljazeera On Condition She Wears Burqua: Muslims Relieved!

Following closely on the heels of Helen Thomas's abrupt dumping from her job at Hearst Newspapers and a withdrawal of a Presidential invitation to Wednesday Night at the Movies where Michelle was replaying Schindler's List, the disgraced journalist announced the release of her memoirs and a new journalism contract.

Thomas, who turns 90 in August covered every President since Eisenhower, was always granted a front row seat, mainly because during much of her tenure Television had not been invented and the viewing audience was unaware of her repulsiveness.

Inexplicably, once TV came to the white house in black and white, then color, and now HD, no one had the courage to move her off center stage and give the viewers at home a break. She was featured extensively on Halloween however, much to her delight, not realizing the Administration was taking the piss.

Of Lebanese descent, Thomas was never shy in professing her disdain for Jews, and most Press Secretaries cringed when she went on a racial rant disguised as a 'probing question.'

Now, with the release of her memoirs, Thomas says she'll tell all about the behind the scenes shenanigans that brought her to power, and made some of the Country's biggest politicians quake in fear!

One preliminary excerpt taken from Rolling Stone indicates that Barney Frank, the openly gay congressman, was not always 'that way.'

According to Thomas, Frank 70, and 20 years her junior courted her during his first days in Congress looking for some good press, and willing to do anything.....well, almost anything according to Thomas.

While she says details of the earthshaking late night encounter will have to wait till her book is out, she says when she found out Barney was Jewish she proceeded to degrade and humiliate him forcing him to stand naked in a corner while she castigated him for his heritage.

"Basically I told him he didn't belong in Washington, and to go back to Newton, or where ever the hell he came from, and leave Washington to the Mullahs!"

"That was some night," Thomas reminisced, "every time I saw him after that he couldn't look me in the eye....but he sure had some cute staffers with tight butts around him....I think they were more Jews from either Germany or Poland, or where ever they came from."

Thomas devotes 3 whole chapters to Bill Clinton, who she says was her favorite President of all. "Bill was a piece of work," she said with a cackle,'he talked to me all the time about what he was up to in the White House, that Boy had some ego....to bad in the end he couldn't measure up! But I admired his Chutzpah....he was a grand Putz when you come right down to it...but at least he was my Putz...never a dull moment with Billy!"

When asked if she was all done with Professional Journalism, Thomas smiled and said, "Well sonny, I'm not done or dead yet. Wait till you hear about the new contract I just signed with Aljazeera! Of course I'll have to wear a Burqa, but that's not such a bad thing, is it?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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