More "Suspicious" White House Job Influence Beyond Sestak and Romanoff

Funny story written by Zabdgrov667

Monday, 7 June 2010

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Best Bill "Slick Willie" Clinton Quote: It depends on what the definition of "is" is.

WASHINGTON DC - Although "candidate and job discussions" from the White House to Andrew Romanoff and Congressman Sestak have not been raised to the level of "chargeable criminal offenses," the impropriety of Obama administration officials is CERTAINLY in question. Adding to allegations of misconduct in the White House are some "peculiar" employment actions related to White House positions such as housekeeping staff, groundskeeper, and food service (dish washer).

Two months from the time President Obama was sworn into office, eleven employees from the previous administration had "accidents" where they resigned their positions within two hours of the incidents, and by the end of the day the positions were filled by job applicants from Chicago.

Some of the accidents include:

  • Slammed face in door of bathroom stall.
  • Hit on head by hornets' nest while making photocopies.
  • Electrocuted as key placed in lawnmower ignition.
  • Bitten by rattlesnake in filing cabinet.

An anonymous source related that it became "uncomfortable" working at the White House. "Visitors" would walk up to employees and ask questions like "have you prepared for an IRS audit over a million dollars of unreported income from selling a bridge in New York?" Another comment would be something like "it would be a shame if your all your tropical fish ran away to Minnesota." A White House guest might look at an office picture and say "Bahamas ... I guess someone might get deported if they didn't have all their papers in order." As the source said, "it was REALLY creepy."

Several reporters have asked White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs about the possible ethics violations by current administration; however, his answers have been evasive, obscure, and lacking substance.

Robert Gibbs: I have not received additional information, but I can assure you that business-as-usual has been exaggerated to outlandish proportions. I mean, if I got a dollar every time a Chicago Pay-to-Play went down, or when a paragraph was slipped into a Congressional bill to nudge some tax dollars toward some friend, well I'd never have to work another day in my life. Washington DC has been like that for something like 600 years, so everyone should focus on something else.

A veteran political journalist attempted to explain "business-as-usual" to this reporter:

"What Gibbs is saying, is that in May of 1993, Hillary Clinton wanted some friends to get the White House Travel Office all to themselves, and the first thing to do was fire the seven employees serving at the time by having the FBI indict them on charges of embezzlement and criminal conversion, based on innuendo and hearsay. Although a Not-Guilty verdict was announced two years later, and investigators concluded that Hillary had made inappropriate statements that had to be knowingly false, the important thing to remember is THE CLINTONS GOT AWAY WITH IT. Therefore, in the DC mindset, Obama should get away with just as much, if not more. Look up White House travel office controversy, or TravelGate."

In related news, Chicago authorities are "very displeased" with the prospect of losing the title "Most Corrupt US City" to Washington DC, but as long as Obama can launch nuclear-tipped cruise missiles, they believe that complaining about their loss isn't worth the risks.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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