NBA Game #4: Anita Baker Sang The Worst Rendition of The Star Spangled Banner In History
BOSTON - Anita Baker sang the Star Spangled Banner at the start of game four of the NBA Finals between The Los Angeles Lakers and The Boston Celtics. After she was finished singing The National Anthem only 17 people clapped. Baker, who has won...
Read full storyElvis On Ballot Box In Minnesota, Following Elected Clown, Wrestler!
What does a state which wants national attention so badly that they first elect a wrestler and then a clown to office? They place Elvis Presley on the next ballot of course. In Minneapolis, an Elvis impersonator wearing a red jump suit has offi...
Read full storyJustin Bieber: Lady Gaga Is A Guy
Teen heartthrob, Justin Bieber, often accused of being a girl, claims that Lady Gaga is a man. "She...He came on to me at a party", Bieber told a started press conference. "I mean, he was right there with his arm around me and I know." Bieber,...
Read full storyMan With The World's Smallest Penis Gets 10,000 Marriage Proposals
Andy "Handy" Doodler, the man with the world's smallest penis has received over 10,000 marriage proposals after several websites and tabloids did a story on him. Doodler, from Santa Fe, New Mexico, had stated in the article that he had been practi...
Read full storyNewly Installed Cams Capture Nuns Plotting to Overthrow Vatican
Vatican City - When the Pope issued the order to have crime cams installed in and around the Vatican in order to cut down on the incidences of clandestine alley-way meetings between the priests and their prey, little did he think that they would unco...
Read full storySupreme Court nominee Elena Kagan 'knew Clinton had a wife and kids in London'
Washington AC/DC - (Bigamist Ass Mess): The sordid Clinton impeachment cover-up continues with the news today that the Supreme Court nominee who defended Bill Clinton in the Paula Jones lawsuit knew that 'his only legal marriage' was in 1972 to a Bri...
Read full storyExtortion Plots Pouring into FBI
Word travels fast in the criminal world. Since word of Joran van der Sloot's arrest on charges of killing a Peruvian woman, the more intriguing back story of his ability to bilk $25,000 out of the FBI by promising to tell them where Natalee Holoway's...
Read full storyBaby's First Word "LeBron"; Heavy Fine Expected
The National Basketball Association is expected to levy a huge fine against a Dallas toddler whose first word, uttered last week, was "LeBron." The monumental moment in the Jenkins family was recorded by the baby's father, leading to some potential t...
Read full storyEx-head of MI5 to tell Iraq inquiry: Kuwaitis gave Blair £15 million for 'personal expenses' in starting war
London - (Saddam Ass Mess): Dame Eliza Banningham-Muller is to testify before the Chilcot Inquiry in a gloves-off, no-holds-barred poodle-bash. The former head of MI5 is to reveal that Tony Blair was paid fifteen million quid by the Ruler of Kuwai...
Read full storySheriff's SB 1070 Enforcement Plan To Include "Amnesty"
PHOENIX AZ (AP) Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio held a press conference yesterday to introduce his three step enforcement plan for the controversial new law known as Senate Bill 1070. In addition to defining planned measures to identify undocument...
Read full storyRed Squirrels returning to England
Red squirrels will soon been seen hopping through the forests and up and down trees in gardens across England. They used to be a common sight until the greys were introduced from North America a number of decades ago. The grey squirrels are said...
Read full storyBritish Petroleum Now Bayou Petroleum
With BP demonstrating continued incompetence, President Obama has nationalized the company renaming it Bayou Petroleum. Seemingly inspired by birth control methods, British Petroleum embarked upon a series of plans to stop the oil leak in the Gulf...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, and Demi Lovato Watch South Africa and Mexico Tie 1-1 In The World Cup Opener
JOHANNESBURG, South Africa - American teen queens Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, and Demi Lovato flew into Johannesburg's Tarzan and Jane National Airport to catch the opening game of the 2010 FIFA World Cup Finals. The three celebrities sat in The St...
Read full storyCycle Lanes To Be Converted For NUNS ONLY Use
Nuns The mere mention of the name makes people's genitals retract inside their body cavities, but society still has an abiding interest in the frivolous shite these lesbians get up to in secret, despite hating the prune-faced penguins. "I fucking...
Read full storyDerrick Bird's Ghost Tries To Kill Casper The Friendly Ghost
Cumbrian Massacre nutter, Derrick Bird, is still up to his dirty tricks in Heaven. How he manged to gain entry to that exclusive location is still under investigation, but he has gone crazy again with a lightening bolt and tried to kill Casper the...
Read full storyUK Returns Bust of Obama, Autographed Pix, Videos and Mau Mau Memorobilia to White House Over BP Mess!
An anonymous UK government agency, linked to MI-5, has returned a Pod Box of Obama artifacts given to the country by the President during one of his fits of hubris and omnipotence, after Barry's BP bashing tantrums have caused a rift in already falte...
Read full storyPresident Obama Misses Asses, Falls Flat on His
Washington, D.C. - Americans were buoyed last week when President Obama declared he was ready to kick ass over the BP oil spill, fully expecting him to go out immediately and find whose ass to kick. However, even with some of those responsible doi...
Read full storyYanks Livid After Learning A-Rod's Groin Injury Linked to Off Field Antics!
The Yanks lost more than a game last night when Alex Rodriquez was forced to take himself out of the contest with a groin injury that the trainer said was caused when the slugger 'slid into home' in a late night visit to a strange stadium. A-Rod,...
Read full storySusan Boyle gets gong in Queen's Dissolute Honors
London - (Ass Mess): The corpulent attention deficit walking timebomb is to receive a dinner gong in recognition of her dedication to pie and chips. The award is part of the Queen's Dissolute Birthday Honors and comes with a year's supply of organ...
Read full storyBarry George Bush wants to go on Oprah, blames 'police inside job'
London - (Crimebotch): The man who didn't kill Jill Dando wants to go on the Oprah show 'just like Fergie' and finger the cops who fitted him up. Barry George Bush blames ex-Met Commissioner Lord Blair of Weasel Towers for the stitch-up which saw...
Read full storyManagement by Pain Only
Interview of Jock Ballocks, Asspria Ruler, on "Management by Pain Only" Thor Berserker, the theorist behind "Management by Punishment" recently interviewed Jock Ballocks, The Asspria God (Group Operations Director), father of Management by Pain Only©. That day Jon was sporting a full-grown moustache that makes him look even more like his childhood mentor Josef Steelline. TB: Both Josef...
Read full storyDead drummer's many talents
The untimely death of ex Stereophonics drummer Stuart Cable has lifted the lid off his past career. The drummer most noted for his time with the Stereophonics died recently following a huge piss up in his home town. Cable, the little known brother...
Read full storyAndrew Cuomo Interview
Andrew Cuomo surprised the New York establishment by agreeing to an interview with me, Rick Andrew Carl. The notoriously reticent pol sat with your correspondent for an engaging and enlightening discussion: RAC: Thank you for agreeing to speak with us. AC: My pleasure. RAC: You've received wide acclaim for your work as Attorney General. Why leave a job you're doing well for such a di...
Read full storySan Diego Archdiocese Lobbies Transportation Department for Nun Lanes
Traditionally travelling in groups of three, always walking side by side and with arms often akimbo, Catholic Nuns will soon be offered their own specialty lanes for most any mode of transportation including walking paths, thanks to unrelenting pressure from San Diego Archdiocese leadership and the general public. Often seen in small automobiles travelling in the far left lane at speeds well un...
Read full storyMadonna Granted Custodialship of Britney and Lindsay, Promises "End of Bad Habits!"
Madonna, saying she was bored and needed a new hobby, was granted temporary custody of troubled kids Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears today after a judge said judicially, "Why not....nothing else seems to have worked!" The decision was not unconte...
Read full storyToni Terry (John's wife) has been selected to join England International team
Whilst John Terry is away trying to bring the World Cup back to England, with his teamates, he received the news that wife, Toni has been selected to join an England International team. Toni is so excited. She is the first WAG to be chosen for the...
Read full storyWan Van Man, Dan, An' Tan Man, Stan, Can Ban Gran's Fan Plan
89 year-old grandmother of 13 Edna Hiscox has hit a problem with her planning application to erect a wind turbine in her garden in Duke Street, Peckham. Two local businessmen, Daniel Lovatt and Stanley Stitt, obtained a court injunction on Tuesday...
Read full storyCars like oil, birds don't
Oil is not nice stuff if you are a bird. It gets in your feathers, after which you either get eaten, starve or drown. However if you are a car, it is extremely nice stuff - vital in everything that constitutes driving - fuel, engine oil, brake flu...
Read full storyChristina Aguilera Loves Her Sex Both Ways
Hot, sexy and outspoken Christina Aguilera admits she can love a woman, but the thought of living with one is out of the question. The hit singer is married, and seems to be bi-sexual rather than Gay, but I can't confirm that until I actually whit...
Read full storyCameron Urges US Wildlife To Do More To Help Itself in Gulf
The UK Prime Minister David Cameron condemned the nanny state of America and called for an end to intrusive CCTV cameras showing BP's pipe appearing to leak oil. BP, like BA, has never ever been a British company in a British sense since Britain had...
Read full storyEurope to end
'Europe must cease as a viable entity' was the surprising verdict of a European Commission report accepted unanimously in Germany today. 'We will all go down together if we carry on as we are' explained a spokesperson (with a long unpronounceable nam...
Read full storyViolence in Kyrgyzstan Has U.S. Students Feeling Uneasy
SOMEWHERE, In Asia - Authorities say at least five people have been killed in riots in Kyrgyzstan, igniting fears among American students that the troubled country might start ending up on spelling tests and geography quizzes. Witnesses in Osh, w...
Read full storyNewest iPhone to Have Removable Battery, Flash Support, Will Be Available on Any Carrier.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs has lit the universe on fire with the release of the iPhone 4. Here are some of the highlights: 1. It is 4G network compatible The 4 in iPhone 4 can mean only one thing: It will have next-gen 4G data network support!! AT&T will reportedly have a 4G network up and running by this Thursday. 2.) More carriers! Forget that one carrier that currently supports the...
Read full storyLinux fans flock in mutual self-congratulation
Dozens of fans of the open-source computer operating system Linux congregated at the Craterton Civic Center this weekend. Presentations centered around the convention's theme, "Linux: Not for Dummies." "Why put up with the security holes and blo...
Read full storyStuck Inside A House Of Race Cards With The L.A. Blues Again
LOS ANGELES - A funny thing happened on the way to the not quite yet official completion of the United States 2010 Census, and its carefully envisioned plan for a semi-accurate state of total enumeration of its current, bulging-like, super-sized gene...
Read full storyAmerica's Got Talent: Maricar The Sexy Dominatrix Is Dating Ryan Seacrest
HOLLYWOOD - The word on the street is that America's Got Talent contestant Maricar The Sexy Dominatrix is dating American Idol host Ryan Seacrest. The two were reportedly spotted in Brooklyn having lunch at Al Pacino's eating establishment The Pho...
Read full storyLondon Mayor Calls Obama a Wanker
London Mayor Boris Johnson tried to keep his tongue as civil as possible. However, there is only so much a Brit's stiff upper lip can take. After enduring yet another round of Obama's British bashing over the oil spill, the Mayor finally had to use...
Read full storyRoyals visit Gun Rampage County
The royal family will today visit Cumbria to look for Prince Philip. After having mis-read a news item he mistakenly believed that it was a colonial style shoot. Palace Staff raised the alarm when they found his favourite hunting rifle, and his La...
Read full storyHubble Telescope Spots Giant Plume on Jupiter's Moon
HOUSTON, Texas - NASA scientists were awestruck when the Hubble Space Telescope caught sight of the largest known eruption of hydrocarbons in the entire solar system today. "I couldn't believe the size of that thing," said Buzz Armstrong, an astro...
Read full storyShakira To Sing The Official World Cup Soccer Song "Waka Waka"
JOHANNESBURG, South Africa - The Colombian belly dancing firecracker Shakira will be singing the official 2010 FIFA World Cup Soccer song. The song which is entitled "Waka Waka" was co-written by Kara DioGuardi and Neil Sedaka. The song tells t...
Read full story600 lb. Mother of Two: "I'm gonna gain until I hit 1,000 lbs."
Donna Simpson, 42, weighs more than 600 pounds, and aims to reach 1,000 pounds. The mother of 2, ages 3 and 14, who reportedly sweats Ranch dressing, models on a porn website where admirers and the holy-smokes-you're-a-damned-freak curious can pay...
Read full storyGovernment Bails Out Pot Farmers
It hasn't been easy for marijuana growers these days. Along with the downturn in the world wide economy, pot farmers are facing increasing legalization in states such as California and Colorado where anyone with a pulse can easily acquire a medicina...
Read full storyThe Philadelphia Flyers Continue To Suck
The Philadelphia Flyers, The National Hockey League's dung pile representing Southeastern Pennsylvania, has lost it's bid to win the Stanley Cup, quitting and giving up during overtime of Game 6 with the Chicago Blackhawks. While this was undoubte...
Read full storyThree Lions WC Song Banned In SA
England may be featuring at this years World Cup, but sadly the popular English song 'Three Lions' will not as it's now been banned following a tragic and freak accident. The 1996 hit for The Lightning Seeds and official anthem for England's Euro...
Read full storyHandwritten Codicil to Gary Coleman's Will Filed by Succubus Shannon Price
The Hideousness That Is Gary Coleman's ex-wife Strikes Again. The single most evil human being on the planet, in my opinion, Gary Coleman's ex-wife Shannon Price just filed legal documents claiming she has the right to be appointed administrator of G...
Read full storySusan Boyle and the Porn Shop
Sweet Susan Boyle was indeed hoodwinked by yet another homonym four days ago. Susan wanted to pawn some of her unwanted gifts from some of her fanatical fans. She didn't have a telephone book at hand and so she decided to call the operator to get...
Read full storySusan Boyle tells of serial killer brother
Susan Boyle has come forward to speak about her serial killer brother. Susan was watching a 'true crime' channel on t.v. At the end of the programme there was a plea to viewers to come forward with any tips they may have about serial killers not...
Read full storyCarrie Underwood Scoops Two Awards
The extremely sexy former American Idol star Carrie Underwood has scooped two trophies at this year's Country Music Television Awards - one for her left tit, and one for the right. ALSO COMMENDED The singer was also commended for her video for...
Read full storyNew York Governor Race: Breakdown
Coming this November, New York State will choose its next Governor. The last two haven't done well, with trollops and uncompensated extramarital affairs, legal mischief, and a variety of other ethical lapses. Due to intense public interest in the...
Read full storyQueen wipes Osbourne at Poker
The queen has sensationally won a game of poker against the treasury that is set to cost the taxpayer an eye-watering £1 billion pounds. So desperate is the new government to raise money that George Osbourne invited her majesty to No11 for a 'cord...
Read full storyBig Brother, Condemned Cameron, tests LibDem trio with a secret task
The UK's favourite home for psychological wannabees and weirdos has opened it's doors for the 11th and last time. Yes, Big Brother is back for a summer of fun and frolics. Who will be the first housemate, I wonder, to mention the England v USA gam...
Read full storyPatrick Stewart And The Gallagher Brothers Out Of Oasis Go looking For James Corden
The Metropolitan Police today revealed that they stopped and searched three men last night on suspicion of conspiracy to cause some serious physical damage to some fat bloke. The three men, named as Patrick Stewart, out of Star Trek with a baldy h...
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