British Petroleum Now Bayou Petroleum

Written by K.C. Bell

Friday, 11 June 2010

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Home of Bayou Petroleum

With BP demonstrating continued incompetence, President Obama has nationalized the company renaming it Bayou Petroleum.

Seemingly inspired by birth control methods, British Petroleum embarked upon a series of plans to stop the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico. Judging from their failed attempts, the BP community must have sufficient progeny to populate Mars.

After the erection of a giant copper and concrete (yikes) condom like containment dome called Top Hat, British Petroleum sailed it to the well site, only to have it bounced away by the gusher.

Executives at BP moved to plan B: Top Kill, a reverse vasectomy approach in which mud and cement were shot into the hole to plug it. Right. Like oil is going to take a snooze and wait for the mud and cement to harden. The mixture started leaking from below the gusher hole and project Top Kill was killed.

Junk Shot was next: shooting golf balls, tires and nylon stockings into the hole. Junk Shot didn't work. Little Top Hat followed. That little sucker was also spit away by the oil gusher.

Little Top Hat was followed by castration, or Cut And Cap: slice off the top of the bent blow out preventer at the riser pipe (ouch) and slide another kind of cap on top with a catheter attached to retrieve the oil shooting up to the surface. Oil is still gushing.

BP has not tried abstinence or the rhythm method, so far.

A blow out preventer is a safety valve. It should have stopped the oil, the explosion, the death of eleven workers and the desecration of the Gulf Coast region. A plumber won't install a hot water heater without a safety valve. Pressure cookers have safety valves. A prenuptial is a safety valve.

BP crossed their fingers.

A rig worker on CNN's Anderson Cooper, June 9, said the morning of the explosion, he witnessed a BP executive overrule a Transocean Deepwater Horizon executive, and ordered the mud in the well replaced with seawater.

The seawater did not hold back the oil. The blowout preventer wasn't working properly.

Hello Bayou Petroleum.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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