Andrew Cuomo Interview

Funny story written by Rick Andrew Carl

Friday, 11 June 2010


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Flag at half mast for the death of New York under Andrew Cuomo.

Andrew Cuomo surprised the New York establishment by agreeing to an interview with me, Rick Andrew Carl.

The notoriously reticent pol sat with your correspondent for an engaging and enlightening discussion:

RAC: Thank you for agreeing to speak with us.

AC: My pleasure.

RAC: You've received wide acclaim for your work as Attorney General. Why leave a job you're doing well for such a difficult position?

AC: I didn't want to do it, but I've received many requests from others to step in. In the end, I feel that New York needs adult supervision from someone who's ready for the job, someone who has a vision for how we can move forward.

RAC: What is your vision for New York?

AC: For the last few years we've been going backward. We must move forward. That's why my agenda for New York is called a New New York.

RAC: That's kind of an awkward phrase. Did you consider any other ways of saying it?

AC: Sure. We we looked at a bunch of Sinatra phrases like "It's Up To You New York," but that was too long and people didn't get it. My friend Sarah Palin suggested "Drill Baby Drill," but the oil spill killed that one. My personal favorite was "Blue New York" because blue is my favorite color, but aides felt it sounded sad.

RAC: How will you get New York past its current troubles?

AC: The people deserve a government that works. We have to move past partisanship, and we can do that. With my leadership in this election, the Democratic Party will win control over both houses of the legislature. That will remove any influence from the partisan Republicans, and then all the important decisions will be made by myself and the other Democrats - we're the good guys.

RAC: What about the ethics scandals?

AC: That's one of the most important reasons why I should be Governor. There will be no sex scandals - everyone knows my ex-wife cut my balls off. And there will be no concerns about taking improper payments from special interests. I know how to take bribes the right way - legally and within the rules.

RAC: New York's budget is reportedly $9 billion in deficit. Will you raise taxes, cut spending, or find some other way?

AC: We can't raise taxes, but we must raise revenue. It's all about confidence. With strong leadership in Albany, businesses will have faith in New York and create jobs. Bernie Madoff showed that if people have confidence in you, they will give you lots of money. I've been able to do that with campaign contributions and I'll continue to do it as Governor.

RAC: What about spending?

AC: My plan for consolidation will help. There are too many governments and too much spending at the local level. Town and village governments pay too much attention to the concerns of their constituents. By consolidating power at the state level, I will be able to control spending so that it will serve more important interests.

RAC: How will that help close the state budget gap?

AC: Don't get argumentative with me. My aide Joe doesn't like that.

RAC: Sorry.

AC: That's okay. Just get back to the script I gave you.

RAC: Yes sir. So, you're going to make New York the jobs capital of the nation?

AC: Absolutely. By going back to the principles my father followed as Governor, we will create a New New York just like the old New York.

RAC: You're doing well in the polls. Even Republican voters seem to like you. Can you explain that?

AC: They understand that New York is a Democrat state. When we take their money, we do it nicely. Republican politicians don't get that. They're rude about it.

RAC: The leading Republican in the election is Rick Lazio. Why should voters choose you over him?

AC: Ricky's a nice kid, but he couldn't beat Hillary with $45 million. He's got no money now. He knows we'll find a nice job for him in our administration, so he won't put up much of a fight.

RAC: What about Carl Paladino?

AC: He's only in politics for his business interests. We'll take care of him.

RAC: Any thoughts about the lesser candidates? How about Kristin Davis?

AC: She has some good ideas, but I don't think New York voters are ready for someone with her background.

RAC: Warren Redlich?

AC: Libertarians don't understand that the great state of New York can't function if people make choices for themselves. We in the government know what's best for the people.

RAC: Howie Hawkins?

AC: Sounds like a spitting instructor.

RAC: Many in New York media circles complain that you've been quiet. We're honored to have this interview, but must ask: Why us?

AC: You're based in England, no one takes you seriously, you have a very low readership among New York voters, and you're easily intimidated.

RAC: Very well. Thank you Mr. Cuomo.

AC: That's Governor Cuomo.

RAC: Yes sir.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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