New York Governor Race: Breakdown

Funny story written by Rick Andrew Carl

Friday, 11 June 2010


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Rudy looks down on Andrew Cuomo and the other Gov wanna-bes.

Coming this November, New York State will choose its next Governor. The last two haven't done well, with trollops and uncompensated extramarital affairs, legal mischief, and a variety of other ethical lapses.

Due to intense public interest in the sport, this correspondent has been assigned for full coverage.

Here are the candidates in the race as of now:

Andrew Cuomo is the frontrunner. A long-time Democrat back bencher, he is the sitting Attorney General. Having avoided scandals for his entire four-year term, he stands head and shoulders above everyone else in New York State government. He is also considered "ready" for the job, having served in the administration of a previous statehouse occupant - his father Mario Cuomo.

Unlike many politicians who cheat on their wives, Cuomo's wife cavorted around on him with a wealthy polo player. No animals were harmed.

Cuomo has been blamed by many for the collapse of the US economy due to his role in loosening mortgage standards while he was Secretary of Housing and Urban Development (HUD).

There do not appear to be any challengers for the Democratic nomination, and he has quite a stash of campaign cash from real estate magnates, so Andrew Cuomo has a big edge.

Rick Lazio is the leading Republican, having been chosen by an underwhelming margin at the state convention. He served eight years in the US Congress before Hillary Clinton sat on his face in the 2000 US Senate race.

Lazio spent the past decade working as in government relations for the financial industry. His most notable accomplishments include a $25 billion rescue for his bank and a million dollar ($500,000 pounds) bonus for himself.

Like Cuomo, Lazio has faced criticism for the economic collapse. In Congress he supervised Cuomo's work at HUD, and celebrated Cuomo's accomplishments. There are no indications the two were ever lovers. Maybe a kiss or a hug once?

Considering his lackluster performance against Mrs. Clinton, and an apparent lack of funds, few in the establishment think Rick Lazio has a chance against Cuomo.

Carl Paladino is a businessman from Buffalo. Thought to be worth well over $100 million (six pence), he pledges to spend $10 million of his fortune on the race. His campaign managers are determined to make sure he does.

The Paladino campaign started off out of kilter, with ill-timed news stories about a bastard child and a string of disturbing e-mail messages. But he has pressed on and those problems have faded. His campaign slogan is derived from a 1970s movie, and his rhetoric is filled with anger, cricket bats, and threats to imprison Democratic leaders in the state legislative body.

Riding on a wave of support from a group popularly known as the Tea Baggers (a derogatory reference apparently aimed at Spoof writer Monkey Woods), Paladino may present a strong challenge to Lazio in a September primary.

Steve Levy was a candidate for the Republican nomination. His status as a registered Democrat is thought to have hampered his chances. Some suspect he may continue via a minor party.

Kristin Davis is also planning a minor party effort. Best known as the Manhattan Madam, she became famous for her role in supplying ladies for the disgraced former governor. Rumors abound that her campaign is a distraction created by Paladino's consultants. Ms. Davis is not related to the Sex and the City star.

Warren Redlich was nominated by the Libertarian Party in a contentious convention. A leading political commentator describes Redlich as "of no consequence."

Howie Hawkins is the Green Party candidate. Few have heard of him but his amusing name may draw a few votes, or snickers.

Jan Johnson is running under the Constitution Party label. Her platform is ostensibly about constitutional principles, ignoring the well-established fact that Americans don't care.

Rick Andrew Carl will keep avid readers updated on this important campaign.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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