Madonna, saying she was bored and needed a new hobby, was granted temporary custody of troubled kids Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears today after a judge said judicially, "Why not....nothing else seems to have worked!"
The decision was not uncontested as the biological fathers of both mentally imbalanced celebrities, not noted for their parental skills, challenged the ruling fearing that their sole incomes would be cut off.
James Spears said the Judge's decision was 'worse than the BP Oil spill...all that money leaking out and I can't reclaim any of it before it's all gone!"
Michael Lohan was said to be 'inconsolable' and had fallen off the wagon, and may even be back in rehab. Linday's father was jailed for 4 years in 2005 for his drug and alcohol abuse and 'destructive behaviour' which he attributed to his daughter "pushing me over the edge by cutting my allowance!"
Madonna said she was going to take the girls 'under my wing, and back to my roots" pledging, "these girls need spank ass discipline and some tough religious love!"
She referred fondly to her Catholic upbringing from her French Canadian mother and her Italian father who enrolled her in Catholic Schools during her youth that "provided me with a strict moral code and the ethics that I live by and made me what I am today."
The Modest Madonna said that as a first step she had placed her charges in the Fresh Air Fund program, a non profit around since 1877 that takes underprivileged troubled kids on vacations that they might not ordinarily be able to afford.and teaches them how to make 'positive choices in life.'
The trio is said to be off to France where they will be hosted by sponsor Roman Polanski in his villa, and then later be spending at least a week in Rome at the Pool Side guest house of Silvio Burlosconi who is said to be 'extremely excited and thrilled' to participate.
Madonna said the first step in Character Rehabilitation was to do away with earthy things such as crotchless panties, see thru blouses and thongs while shopping for necessities such as sleep aids, feminine hygiene products and nail polish.
While traveling the trio will be dressed as Nuns and wearing no makeup or seamed net stockings, although nipple rouge will be allowed as a treat and a concession to get the girls cooperation.
Madonna vowed to be a strict disciplinarian. "I won't tolerate any lying, prevarication, fornication, alcohol or drug consumption, temper tantrums and diva like actions....I expect these girls to start acting 'just like a virgin', and if not the ruler comes out and the knickers come down for a thorough arse whuppin!" (Did I mention Polanski and Berlusconi were thrilled to host the girls?)
Both girls will be wearing body alarms surgically implanted to detect alcohol or drug abuse, sexual activity, or putting anything in their mouth that could violate the terms of the guardianship.
Interested fans can monitor the girls from Google Earth, and they will be under constant view from outer space. The network site said they will be charging for the Live Cam but there will only be 5m memberships available, and they are almost sold out.
In another Hollywood Folly, the Judge in the Charlie Sheen case ruled that he can not go along on the odyssey as part of his community service plea deal.
Said the Judge, "ordinarily I would permit this, but you have already admitted you are a heavy smoker....this trip will definitely be 'non-smokin' so stop trying to blow smoke up the court's ass, and get a grip on yourself!"