Miss Mexico, Jimena Navarrete, Crowned 2010 Miss Universe
LAS VEGAS - Jimena Navarrete, Miss Mexico, was crowned Miss Universe for 2010 at The Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino in Las Vegas. Jimena beat out a total of 82 girls. The Guadalajara beauty said that she was tremendously thrilled and was as happy...
Read full storyFrance to expel Frenchmen
Paris: The French government is to expel Frenchmen, it has been announced. A spokesman for President Sarkozy said that Frenchmen are smug, arrogant, rude, offer an inexcusably bad service in hotels and restaurants, don't fight properly in wars (a...
Read full storyJustin Bieber Detained by Canadian Authorities on Behalf of Daughters
Singer Justin Bieber was detained in Kanata, Canada late Tuesday afternoon and extensively interrogated by authorities, reportedly at the behest of their teen-aged daughters. "What's you favorite color?" barked Lt. Daniel Reragard in a transcript...
Read full storyBig Brother welcomes back Jade Goody to the Ultimate Big Brother final
Ex Big Brother housemate and ex human being, Jade Goody has returned to the Big Brother house for the ultimate showdown against other former Big Brother housemates. Goody turned up to the show in an urn and was then catapulted over the garden wall...
Read full storyTaylor Swift Ruled Underqualified To Be Spokeswoman For International Breast Appreciation Day; Dolly Parton Hired Again
Dolly Parton will once again serve as the Celebrity Spokeswoman for International Breast Appreciation Day on September 20th. Dolly was hired as a last minute fill-in for the role (she announced her retirement last year) after new Spokeswoman Taylor...
Read full storyLily Allen Attacks Simon Cowell's X-Factor Calling It Re-Cycled Rubbish
LONDON - Lily Allen, has flat out spoken her mind (again). And this time the recipient of her serpentine venom is none other than "Mr. Reality Shows" himself Simon Cowell. Lily was apparently lashing out at Cowell's X-Factor saying that it is noth...
Read full storySusan Boyle throws a cat in a bin
Crazy Celtic crooner Susan Boyle found herself in hot water today after she was caught on CCTV throwing a cat into a wheelie bin. SuBo was filmed walking past a house in Coventry when she stopped to stroke a tabby cat. Then after checking if anyon...
Read full storyTransformer 4 With Megan Fox Will Begin Fresh Series, In Crowd Action!
Michael Bay, who was supposed to wind up the three-episode Transformers movies, now says that there could well be another 3 movies, according to the Australian tabloid, 'Moviesphere'! According to the report, Bay has stated that after the third i...
Read full storyCat Stuck In Wheelie Bin Loses Kittens!
Yesterdays story of the old lady who put a cat in a wheelie bin and left it to die got a little worse this morning when it was learned that the mama cat, Lola, is doing fine but she lost her kittens, that came too early. Most believe it was due to...
Read full storyChinese Holiday to last several weeks
The Chinese Holiday entered its eleventh day with the highest turnout ever. The Holiday named, "Chinese Fire drill celebration" is an annual Chinese event were thousands of motorist line up on the Main highway around Beijing and conduct the Fire d...
Read full storyPolish alcholic shot in the head 5 years ago and forgot!
A Polish gentleman living in Germany was shot in the head and being slightly sloshed at the time didn't even notice the bullet lodge in his skull. The last 5 years has been a constant story of being totally pissed, swallowing paracetamol, aspirins...
Read full storyMeat & Egg Recall Potentially Deadly!
If you had ham and eggs for breakfast this morning, you are pretty well screwed, especially if the bacon came from a WalMart which has just recalled all their Merketside Grab & Go sandwiches, BLACK FOREST HAM, Hard Salami, MADE IN NEW YORK, FULLY...
Read full storyGround Zero Mosque to be part of new 9-Eleven franchise
When you want a hot dog, a soft drink or a slurpee, you head down to your nearest 7-Eleven. When you want to skive off work all Friday, listen to anti-American diatribe, discuss new ways to "gently beat" your wife or arrange to honour kill your daugh...
Read full storyChilean Miners will hide in mine until Christmas is over
33 Chilean miners supposedly trapped in a mine for 19 days have revealed that they could have escaped days ago but wanted to stay put until Christmas is over. Luis Urzúa told reporters, over a crackling line, "I am sick to death of Christmas and h...
Read full storyX Factor admits "We used playback singers for some contestants"
ITV has been forced to admit that its flagship programme the X Factor has secretly helped some contestants and hindered others, with the use of "playback singers". The channel said, in a press release, that "If Simon Cowell liked a contestant, he...
Read full storyChild Care Experts Consulted Over Clegg After Cameron Birth
Coalition Government chiefs have been consulting child behavioural experts since Samantha Cameron gave birth yesterday. They are concerned that with all the attention that's bound to be lavished on the new daughter, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Cleg...
Read full storyPeter Andre is Ruining OUR Marriage
While Alex Reid may have created (or more likely sold) headlines in the newspapers over the weekend by claiming Peter Andre is ruining his marriage to Katie Price (allegedly, Katie is "obsessed" with what Peter is doing, where he is, who he is with e...
Read full storyDavid Cameron is a daddy again
Congratulations go out to David and Samantha Cameron on the birth of their new baby girl. The little one arrived earlier than expected, during the Camerons' vacation in Cornwall. David did say he wasn't too surprises as Samantha's tend to come...
Read full storyDavid & Samantha Cameron Give Birth to Baby Thatcher
Prime Minister David Cameron has said he and his wife Samantha Cameron are "absolutely thrilled" that their fourth child, a Thatcher, has been born during their holiday in Truro. Conservative chiefs have been masterminding a secret eugenics progra...
Read full storyUK Serial "Cat-Binner" caught binning pussy on CCTV!
A series of cat-binning in the UK seems to have been solved because a serial "cat-binner" was caught on CCTV binning a pussy (not the hairy type between your legs)! A roughly 50 year old female pussy hater first stroked it and then suddenly binned...
Read full storyAutopsy Photographs Of Michael Jackson Disappear From LA Police Dept!
After holding onto the Michael Jackson autopsy photographs for nearly a year until it was decided whose property they were, a search for the photographs has turned up empty. "We're going to get to the bottom of this", stated the Los Angeles Distri...
Read full storyTrapped Chile Miners To Set Up Underground Community
The thirty-three miners trapped underground in a mine in Chile since 5 August, have told rescuers to call off their emergency rescue attempt, and to leave them be, as they have decided to remain where they are, and to set up their own subterranean co...
Read full storyDivorce Judge values Tiger Woods' "dick" at $10 million per inch!
The judge leading the very short proceedings at the divorce case of Tiger Woods and his estranged ex-wife Elin, decided to value the amount of damages to be awarded by the length of Tiger's uncontrollable "dick" because that was the reason for the br...
Read full storyPart #9: Factual Facts To Impress Your Date
Part #9: Factual Facts To Impress Your Date: 10. Alex Trebek, host of Jeopardy, has already bought his burial plot and monument. It reads, "Where Is Alex Trebek?" 9. In 2001, a clown by the name of "Fonzo" became the first person ever to die from exploding cigar lung cancer! 8. If you say that a glass is half full, you're an optimist. But if you say that "there is still half a spoonful...
Read full storyMadonna Trying Desperately To Make A Comeback With Her New Song "Okay So Who Really Gives A Flying Eff If My Knockers Are Lopsided?"
CHICAGO - The singer formerly known as Madonna was in the Windy City shopping for a special cellulite removing salve imported from Finland that is only available at The Countess Department Store in Chicago. Madonna was asked if it was true that sh...
Read full storyBookies' 5/1 odds on 'Cherie Cameron' as Sam Cam's Pisces Full Moon baby girl is born
Cornwall - (Reuterus): Samantha's waters broke shortly after 8am just as the waxing full moon made a conjunction with Neptune, mythical god of the seas. The Camerons, holidaying in rain deluged Cornwall, had to make a quick dash to Truro's Royal C...
Read full storyMore trouble for X fiction
On top of the already reported scandal of voice enhancement for some X Factor contestants come new sensational developments. One of the performers is deemed mad to enter the contest and another already has a record deal. Calls to scrap the sho...
Read full storyTop Chef / White House Edition
WASHINGTON, DC - Tom Colicchio, executive producer of Bravo's Top Chef announced today that Top Chef/Season 8 will occur at the White House. Michele Obama will be taking over the reins as hostess from Padma Lakshmi. Padma was the hostess during th...
Read full storyMan who overdoses on Viagra pole vaults his way into history
A man from Berkshire, England has today sensationally pole vaulted his way into the record books following an accidental overdose on Viagra. Mr James Callister, 28, said "It all started as a bit of a joke really. My girlfriend had been complainin...
Read full storyTakwana and Anitakapita discuss Susan Boyle
Ee well! Wot's Subo up to these days we wunder. Anitakapita and I keep popping to the Subo sites to keep up wi' the news and look at 'er latest photos. She was ded nice wen we met 'er and she's stayed nice in spite of bein' folleed 'round by those freaking loonies. Er new 'ouse looks grea'. There's photies of it on the Subo sites. We 'ope there's an 'ousewarming par'y coz we'd love to be...
Read full storyBritish Medical Institution to change its name
The British Medical Institute is to change its name in order to spare it's students embarrassment. For years, students at the BMI have proudly announced their final exam scores to all and sundry, and cries such as "I have thirty-seven on my BMI!"...
Read full storyClaudy bomb conspiracy report blames Ratzinger
Belfast - (Torquemada News): Commenting on today's report a Vatican spokesman said the church was sticking to strict ecclesiastical guidelines called 'omerta'. Decryption of these has revealed collusion between the government and Cardinal Josef R...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Ventnor Library to Close
Ventnor library has been suffering with a general decline in visitors over the past year, and the local council have made the reluctant decision to close it. "In 1999 reading rates were at their highest since records began," said councillor Helmut...
Read full storyRichard Branson abandons kitesurfing English Channel crossing
Sir Richard Branson abandoned his kitesurfing attempt to be the oldest man to cross the Englsh Channel kitesurfing. He blamed high winds, but the truth is, he hasn't quite got knack of the sport yet. He does need much more time training to perfec...
Read full storyDerek Acorah is the new face of vegetarianism
The Vegetarian society, based in Altrincham, Cheshire, has a new public face in the form of Jolly Good Egg, and psychic medium, Derek Acorah. Although not a vegetarian himself, the Vegetarian Society believes that Acorah is the man for the job, as...
Read full storyTiger Woods has salt rubbed into his wounds
As if the scandal wasn't enough (he was only doing what many men and women do anyway) now salt is being rubbed into Tiger's open wounds. Divorced now, with a settlement that has, to me, an unusual 'add on'. Tiger is NOT allowed to introduce futur...
Read full storyChina's now ten day traffic jam continues
The Chinese Government asked (At gunpoint) there top scientist to discover the cause of the now ten day traffic jam around Beijing. After a night of drinking and close studying of the information and Ariel photos, they all came to the same conclusion...
Read full storyYet another 'A' level results Schocker
It never ends! More Educational 'Hoo Ha' over 'seemingly' inflated 'A' level results. Oh what a surprise! Who do those Educators think they're fooling? Tomfoolery, fiddling of results etc. is rife an has been going on for decades in all branc...
Read full storyObama defends 9/11 mosque site, wants one on every block
US President Barack Obama has staunchly defended controversial plans to build a mosque near Ground Zero in New York. Opponents say this is why people think he is a Muslim. That, and his name being so like that other man who has a name similar to h...
Read full storyNew role for Toilets
The Government, keen to see cuts in public services, is suggesting Libraries - which have lost 10% of their visitors in the last year - should be sighted in pubs or supermarkets. They could be run by volunteers who want to give a helping hand. A c...
Read full storyNew miracle diet discovered by woman from Barnsley - celebrities rush to endorse it
The medical world has been rocked today by a sensational new claim from Jill Mottershed from Barnsley who has sensationally revealed a new, low cost, guaranteed form of weight loss. "It was quite simple really." Reveals Jill "I'd tried loads of di...
Read full storyLocal man switches cell/mobile phone provider three times in one year
In a shock news announcement today, a man admitted to changing his provider three times within a twelve month period. A statement which brought gasps of disbelief from his co-workers. Gomez Sanchez says "I knew the dude for a while now, he just di...
Read full storyJohn McCain: Don't Believe Anything I Say Anymore
In a bold move to assure his re-election as Arizona state senator in November, John McCain has adopted a new stance on everything. He's even claiming that he never was a maverick even though there are hours of news footage of him during the 2008 elec...
Read full storyMan Claims Voice in His Head Has Tourette Syndrome
Joe McClusky, a deeply religious man, says he's been battling with the voice in his head for going on ten years now and he's tired of every word coming out of the voice's mouth being the eff word. "From the time I get up in the morning, to the time I...
Read full story'Woman with Knockers' Calls Video 'Big Mistake'
In an exclusive interview, that young lady made famous on YouTube as "That Woman with Knockers" says she regrets having made that video where she does that you-know-what while on that surfboard. "I was drinking heavily and wasn't feeling good about m...
Read full storyFlorida Shooting By Stanislavski "Method"
A Florida pensioner who accidentally shot his wife was actually practising method acting, it emerged today. Arnold Morris, 77 and his wife Patricia, 72, were rehearsing what to do in the event they were mugged at their Cocoa Beach home, when he sh...
Read full storyKatie Price Exclusive!
Forget OK! Forget Hello! You can even ignore Heat and Star and Grazia and Look… You won't find this exclusive on any of the news stands…(we get the picture, ed). Or on those celeb gossip bits in between ad breaks on C5. Spoof is the only place...
Read full storySchumann At 200. CD Review: The Complete Symphonies
Schumann: Complete Symphonies; Konzertstück. Vienna Symphony Orchestra/Fabio Luisi Pierre Noxious writes: I don't have any gigs to see this week (don't fancy any of the Proms at all, to be perfectly honest) so I thought I'd better get this Orfeo release out of the way (record companies can't half get arsey if you don't review what they send you - 'specially box sets). Did you know that...
Read full storyDerek Hough, Cheryl Cole, Ryan Seacrest, and Julianne Hough Throw The Biggest Nude Beach Party In The History of Malibu Beach
MALIBU BEACH - America's most popular dancing couple Derek "The Dancing Dude" Hough and his English girlfriend Cheryl "The Dancing Doll" Cole, together with Derek's sister Julianne Hough, and her American Idol boyfriend Ryan Seacrest threw the larges...
Read full storyZookeeper Tells Of Tiger Terror
A zookeeper at Berlin Zoo has told of the moment he feared for the life of a Bengal tiger who was the victim of a savage rebuke from a concerned father who jumped into the tiger's enclosure to stop his daughter from messing about. Matthias Schitze...
Read full storyMuslim Employee Refuses to Dress Like Miley Cyrus for Mickey-Mouse Operation
ANAHEIM, California -- Three Mousekettiers Inc. (TMI) said in a statement Monday that a Muslim woman who works as a hostess for one of its restaurants is "living in a fantasyland" if she thinks she can get away with violating the company's strict no-...
Read full storyLove found in China's nine-day traffic jam
Nine days ago, Chang Chew was single and on his way to work in the city of Beijing when he became caught in the world's largest traffic Jam. 8 days later and still stuck in the traffic jam; Chang Chew became a married man. "Me is so happy," Chang...
Read full storyWoman Builds House From 747 Jumbo Jet
A woman in California has said she "fully intends" to live in her new house made entirely from the recycled parts of a 747 Jumbo jet. I'm not joking. Francie Rehwald said she wanted her home to have a "feminine" look, to have luscious curves and...
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