The 'Rat's Cock' sets new industry standard unit for excellence
Scientists in New Zealand may have discovered a brand new industry standard for excellence. Boffins working in nano technology came across the discovery by accident while attempting to write the Encyclopaedia Brittanica (big version) onto the wing...
Read full storyDeath penalty call for Bastard
The debate over whether the death penalty should be reintroduced has exploded again following the arrest of one of Britain's worst offenders. Travelling salesman Keith Bastard, 48 was detained at Her Majesty's pleasure at The Old Bailey yesterday...
Read full storyAl Gore Confirms It: Greed IS Green!
Borfes magazine confirmed what Obamamanians have been whispering for months; Al Gore will soon hold the title of the World's First Carbon Billionaire! The 380 pound former Vice President, self proclaimed founder of the Internet, the Billy Mays of...
Read full storyMexico Announces That This Year's #1 Selling Halloween Mask Was The Lou Dobbs Mask
MEXICO CITY - Mexico's number one news network, El Chingon Network (ECN), has just announced that the biggest selling Halloween Trick or Treat mask in the entire Republic of Mexico for 2009, was the Lou Dobbs mask. Network spokesperson Hernando B...
Read full storyLondon Mayor gets 'hands on'
London Mayor and chair of the Metropolitan Police Authority gets hands on in camden. Boris Johhnson is seen running like a wild maniac through Camden Streets screaming obsenities. Following the scathing criticism leveled at Boris Johnson, the Mayo...
Read full storyAnthropologist and jeans designer Levi-Strauss is dead at 100
Paris - (Adieu, Mon Brave...): Famous French anthropologist and leading jeans designer Claude Levi-Strauss has died at the age of 100. He rose to acclaim during the War years with his original 501 drainpipes in blue 28oz denim which he wore when l...
Read full storyMinister Alan Johnson rocks Holby City
BEFORE HIS ENTRY into politics, Alan Johnson was the country's best-known Bill Haley lookalike. Once be-quiffed and with a guitar slung round his neck, the 19 year old Johnson went by the name of Sweet Ally-Jo, The Rocker Billy Ho. Now aged 59...
Read full storyDogs of War plotter blames Poodle Brothers
London - (Ain'tNothinButAHoundDog): Opus Dei rottweillers Bush and Blair were tonight blamed by failed Equatorial Guinea coup plotter Simon 'Dogs of Whore' Mann for the entire flaccid fiasco. Mann, 69, had been hired by Poodle Parlor groomer Sir M...
Read full storyGordon Brown: "I have very little money" because "it's very expensive being Prime Minister."
10 Downing Street, LONDON: Prime Minister Brown in trying to explain the principle to the British electorate, that if you "pay peanuts and you get a monkey" is giving the World a clear example that we can all understand. Brown's meager salary of...
Read full storyAmy Winehouse's New Sweater Treats 'Bust' Out At The Q Awards
LONDON - Amy Winehouse's brand new, store-bought breasts still have that 'showroom smell.' And millions of people got to see up close the breast enhancement job that her tit specialist, Dr. Shattuck Von Kensington performed. The brand new musical...
Read full storyCatholic Horses
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.. Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure...
Read full storySanta's Lingerie Model Clones for Teenagers Very Popular With Men
In a follow-up story to one that this publication printed yesterday, our reporters have learned that Santa has been inundated with requests for his cloned lingerie models ( see original story here by Bargis Tryhol ). The requests for these models, h...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan is scaring Samantha Ronson with her hole
Lindsay Lohan said she is not allowed to be around Samantha Ronson because Ronson never enjoyed the lesbian sex. Lindsay Lohan says she has a hole in her life and wants Ronson to fill it. Lohan complains she does not like living alone without Ron...
Read full storyYellow Snow From Edmund Hillary Everest Expedition Discovered
Historical archaeologists on Mt. Everest have discovered a patch of yellow snow that has been attributed to Sir. Edmund Hillary, the first man to climb Mt. Everest. The historical ice, buried by snow since his climb in May of 1953, was uncovered by...
Read full story"Strolling Bone" Ron Wood wins lifetime award "Best demented Rocker ever"
After pipping his mates Keith and Mick narrowly for the award as "Best Demented Rocker Ever" Ron knew fuck all about it! Mick and Keith along with other ancient rockers, Pete Townsend, Robert Plant, Sir Paul, Ozzy Osbourne, etc, were all at the ce...
Read full storyItaliens ban crucifixes from the classrooms and turn them upside down!
Italien classrooms are no longer allowed to have normal crucifixes hanging in their classrooms. They have been banned because many narrow-minded Italiens think that all children should be brought up to be catholics and the court ruled against it.
Read full storyColts Center Tells Manning To Go Screw Himself
The Indianapolis Colt's Center, Geoff Sunday, has told quarterback Peyton Manning to quit screwing around back there and call the play, already. "He calls the play, we get lined up and the next thing I know he's shouting numbers and messages all o...
Read full storySky Newsman Annoys 'Iron' Mike Tyson
Former World Heavyweight Champion and convicted rapist with a tattooed face, 'Iron' Mike Tyson today told Sky News reporter Dermot Murnighan that the questions the newsman put to the former champ were annoying him. Tyson became agitated when Dermo...
Read full storyDannii Minogue - Why I Stripped Barenaked Explained
Dannii Minogue explained yesterday to anybody who was prepared to listen, the reason why she stripped bare naked without clothes for the Aussie version of Playboy magazine. For the thousandth time. The X-Factor judge and mentor told us (again):...
Read full storySean Connery stars in Rocky Horror Picture Show
IF YOU'VE EVER wondered what James Bond would look like wearing tights, wonder no more for 007 star Sean Connery has agreed to take part in the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Connery will play Dr Frank'n'Furter, the 'sweet transvestite' of Richard O'B...
Read full story'Nowhere Boy' Could Be The New 'Slumdog'
A new movie depicting the teenage angst of a young John Lennon has wowed audiences and critics alike at The Times Film Festival here in London, prompting comparisons with the runaway success of Slumdog Millionaire. 'Nowhere Boy' depicts Lennon's r...
Read full storyThe cheesy snack that keeps Obama 'in shape'
US PRESIDENT Barack Obama is a secret fan of Wotsits. The popular corn snack beloved of other world leaders including JFK, Margaret Thatcher and Neil Kinnock, has been a family favourite for hundreds of years. Obama confessed his admiration for...
Read full storySexy Kim Kardashian Struts Her Funky Stuff In LA Fancy Dress Extravaganza
Sexy Kim Kardashian wowed crowds of onlookers in a Hollywood costume hire store on Saturday when she tried on several outfits for a family Halloween fancy dress bash. The busty former reality TV star posed for paparazzi in a series of revealing ou...
Read full storyKelli Carpenter Leaves Rosie O'Donnell Over Sex Problems
According to friends or rather, acquaintances, Kelli Carpenter has walked out on Rosie O'Donnell and there may be a huge lawsuit and custody battle. "Rosie is hoping everything can settle down because she's afraid of losing the custody of their k...
Read full storyJedwardgate - John And Edward In X-Factor Vote Rigging Furore
X-Factor twins John and Edward have found themselves caught up in a scandal known as Jedwardgate. Suspicion that all might not be as it seems with the vertical haired Irish twins has been simmering for weeks. Many commentators have suggested that...
Read full storyGeoff's pledge to women: you won't get wet
STRONGMAN GEOFF CAPES is branching out into waterproofs. The genial giant, once the world's strongest man, has developed Capes Capes as an alternative to brollies. Said Geoff: "Umbrellas can be really heavy. It's alright if you're strong like m...
Read full storyAbraham Lincoln Purged By Republlcan Party....Not Born in USA
In a stunning announcement today, Michael Steele Chairman of The Republican Party pronounced Abraham LIncoln as purged from the Republican Party. Said Steele....."We now know, proof positive, that Abraham LIncoln was not born in thls country and...
Read full storyDanyl Johnson being eased out of the closet gradually to avoid confusing elderly viewers
In a concerted attempt to grab the spotlight back from the Irish twins, a plan has been unveiled to bring Danyl Johnson out of the closet in stages to make him more palatable to the mature fanbase, it was reported this morning. "In week one he ad...
Read full storyNew Blow For Baroness
Baroness Scotland, still fighting for her reputation after the 'illegal cleaner affair', has received a new blow to her prestige with allegations that she has been harbouring a gang of Somali pirates. The desperate immigrants were discovered hidin...
Read full storyRussell Crowe in bird drama
GLADIATOR STAR Russell Crowe is in hot water after cooking a neighbour's pigeon. Buckley Jones, owner of 'Champion Pearl', a pure bred Arabian racing pigeon, was distraught after discovering Crowe had eaten the bird. Jones, 45, said: "I'll neve...
Read full storyNancy Grace Dating Jon Gosselin
Following what some reporters and television analysts were calling a "bludgeoning" on the Nancy Grace show, former guest of the show, Jon Gosselin, is now apparently dating the type-A, cable news queen. Famous for her ferocious interview tactics a...
Read full storyA Photo-Fit Up.
New computer enhanced photos showing Madeline McCann as she may look now have been released to press associations across Europe. The photographs show Maddy as a six year old girl with dark hair and a swarthy face. It seems obvious her parents ha...
Read full storyTattooed Nudity and Free Beer at San Francisco Art Expo
Struggling to bring local visitors and out-of-state tourism back to the downtown San Francisco area, city officials have enlisted the Lytoomi, Sellum and Hawking Advertising Agency to head up this year's Fisherman's Wharf Art Expo promotions. Anno...
Read full storyOsama confesses: I'm Prince Michael Jackson's father
In developing news, elusive Islamist terror mastermind, Osama Bin laden, has released a voice recording in which he claims that he is the real father of deceased star Michael Jackson's oldest son Prince Michael. In an astonishing recording, he s...
Read full storyScratch and Listen
Cristal, the makers of the incredibly popular CD jewel case have patented a breakthrough that threatens to revolutionise the music industry. In recent years, CD sales have been declining as wary music buyers switch to downloaded MP3 and iTunes mus...
Read full storyHome Secretary Out of His Horse Box On Drugs Debate
All mounted police in the UK were sacked today. This shock move comes about in the wake of fired drug adviser David Nutt's comments. Professor Nutt spoke about taking ecstasy being less dangerous than riding a horse. He was quickly relived of his...
Read full storyNobel Peace Prize Changes Name To Obama Peace Prize As Tiger Woods Was This Year's Runner-Up For Peaceful Fart
Nobel Peace Prize Changes Name To Obama Peace Prize As Tiger Woods Was This Year's Runner-Up For Peaceful Fart Oslo, October 30th, the Nobel panel has decided after a full week of thought that they will change the "Peace Prize" name to the "Obama...
Read full storyHollywood Undertaker Arrested For Attempting To Sell Dead Star DVD's
Many Hollywood stars were stunned today as news appeared from several reliable sources that famous Undertaker To The Stars, Claude Dhirt, had been recording his work with deceased Stars for over 40 years, before retiring. Apparently, he even trie...
Read full storyElection anniversary shocker for Obama
Washington - (AC/DC): UK politicians once dubbed Barack Obama Africa's diamond geezer. Now, however, they're not so sure amid transatlantic numerology backlash fears as Neptune, planet of illusion and toxic hubris, finally ends its retrograde cyc...
Read full storyHillary Clinton's Israel schedule today
0800 Arrive at Jerusalem, dodging sniper bullets from Hamas gunmen. Bravely visit the Wailing Wall under armed Israeli escort, who shoot dead two unarmed Palestinian youths there for 'being unarmed, unemployed, and hungry in their own country'. 0900 Visit the Bank of Tel-Aviv and gift it $30 million, 'As an early Christmas present, I know how important Christmas is here for you guys. And...
Read full storySomali pirates behind Maddie McCann ransom demand?
Seychelles - (Fishy Tales): The $10 million demand had been kept secret via a UK tabloid spoiler campaign of 'Africanised Maddie' age-progressed images. These show a dusky Madeleine on board a Mogadishu registered phishing smack as it trawls the b...
Read full storyNick Griffen Delighted by Question Time Appearance
The Leader of the British National Party Nick Griffen, has brushed aside criticism over his appearance on popular BBC Current Affairs Programme Question Time. "I must admit I was extremely nervous before going on the show. I thought I would have...
Read full storyPardoned Equatorial Guinea coup plotter grasses up top Lockerbie suspect
Malabo - (Coup Stark): "Scottish penal justice compassion is contagious," lawyers for pardoned coup plotter Simon Mann said today as their client walked out of jail 33 years early. Mann, 69, had been left to rot in an Equitable Life, er...Equatori...
Read full storyBenitez plays the "race card" on recent criticism
Liverpool Manager Rafael Benitez has blasted back at his critics, in a furious public tirade shortly before he was scheduled for his pre-match press conference ahead of Liverpool's champions league encounter with Lyon. "All the time I hear what t...
Read full storyCheryl in a Koma as Jamie Archer revealed to be the love child of Simon Cowell and Sinitta.
Cheryl Cole trumped Dannii Minogue in the style stakes by appearing on Saturday's X Factor in a dress by David Koma, an exciting new design talent. In fact it wasn't a real dress at all but a special stunt dress made of MDF with only a front, no back...
Read full storyFootballer Wayne Rooney has a child called Koi
A happy event has occurred in footballer Wayne Rooney's household with the arrival of a child which they have named Koi Carp Rooney. Mr Rooney was said to be totally pleased. Speaking from the photographic studio of KO Magazine and dangling hi...
Read full storyA-Rod's Girlfriend Kate Hudson Hints One Day She'll Be K-Rod
WEMBLEY, England - American actress Kate Hudson was in town for a magazine photo shoot. The daughter of Goldie Hawn and musician Bill Hudson is trying to spice up her image from that of the nice girl-next-door to one of the not so nice ho-next-doo...
Read full storyX-Factor's Danyl Johnson Survives Another Week!
LONDON - The odds-on-favorite to win the 2009 edition of X-Factor Danyl Johnson managed to sing good enough, to get enough viewer votes to 'live' to sing another week. After belting out a rendition of Aerosmith's "Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" the 27-...
Read full storyTop Ten Things Not To Do When Drinking
Submitted by an international pool of pub crawlers, the top 10 suggestions for things "Not To Do" when drinking were compiled by the beverage industry's flagship magazine called the "Gig and Vomit". Listed in reverse voting order from tenth place to first are the following suggestions compiled from both men and women. 10: Never wear white pants (or skirt): You may need to crawl across a dirty...
Read full storyLiverpool v. Manchester United Game To Be Replayed Due To Manchester United Having Lost It
Extraordinary scenes outside Old Trafford were reported this afternoon, when it was confirmed that the Liverpool v. Manchester United Premier League game which was played last weekend is to be replayed, as United didn't win. The decision was annou...
Read full storyGovernment Administration and Governance Authority (GAGA) makes decision on policy
The Government Administration and Governance Authority (GAGA) is pleased to announce that it has made a significant step forward in the development of its long-term strategy. It has now come to a clear and unambiguous position on the matter of policy...
Read full storyBearded Lady Has Hairy Balls Shaved
A Bearded Lady who was recently reported to have had a pair of hairy testicles, has had the bollocks shaved, it has been reported. When I say 'recently', I mean on the 11th of July 2008. The 'lady', Edna 'Eddie' Manley, decided to dispense with...
Read full storyColleen Sprouts an Onion. Wayne-ker oblivious.
A distressed Colleen Shop-A-Lot, aka Mrs Rooney, gave birth completely alone today! Out of sheer concern the Manchester General Hospital urgently rang around to locate the whereabouts of the alleged father. After extensive searching, the hospital...
Read full storySusan Boyle - Barking News
Vancouver CA - Susan Boyle - the singing sensation from Britain's Got Talent - was walking along a sidewalk in Mexico when all of a sudden she spotted dog poop in front of her. She stopped - looked at it - gazed at it - tried to step over it - misse...
Read full storyThe 5 Paradigms of Government
The 5 Paradigms of Government The mysteries of the public service and other bureaucracies have often exercised the mind of those not privileged to work within their well-developed structures. The five paradigms of government developed by Obstrucius, provide a path, which if followed, leads to a comfortable existence in a bureaucracy. Once you have mastered them there is very little that wi...
Read full storyThe Civil Servant's Lament
When the shit hits the fan there'll be trouble and there's only one thing left to do, we'll all get our stories sounding consistent and the blame will be squarely on you. It's not that we actually dislike you and you've not caused us any real trouble, but someone must take all the blame for this cock-up and they'll find your name lying in the rubble. You're in the unfortunate position...
Read full storyCheryl Cole Only 5' 3" (63") Tall Shocker
Shocking revelations today here in London when it was revealed that X-Factor judge and chart topper who mimes to her latest 'hit' live, allegedly, Cheryl Cole was revealed to stand only 5' 3" tall, according to critics. The medium of film and tele...
Read full storyA(nother) Christmas Story
Whenever this time of year rolls around, I always take time to ponder what in the world the radio stations are thinking, starting Christmas music the day after Halloween. This is a very large oversight-sight on the part of the publicists, because, quite frankly, who wants to cook Thanksgiving dinner to the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"? I foresee the day where Labor Day parades will have...
Read full storyHillary Clinton Delighted To Hear Netanyahu Offer Aid To Palestinians
US Secretary Of State, Hillary Clinton was on the point of euphoria today after revealing that she believed she had finally resolved the Middle East conflict over disputed territorial rights between Israeli settlers and Palestinian militants. "I t...
Read full storyRude Comment to YouTube "Taxman" Leads to Audit
Mark Krowly didn't take kindly to IRS agent Gerald Fitts making a YouTube video warning potential tax dodgers to look out this season, so he told the agent to "f--k off" during a 197 character rant that may have led to his audit. Krowly says he wa...
Read full storyBarack Obama Inducted Into Baseball Hall Of Fame
Cooperstown, New York- In a surprise move, President Barack Obama has been voted into the Cooperstown Baseball Hall of Fame by the Baseball Writers Association of America. Hall of Fame, spokesperson Laddie "Slider" Inn stated that he realized tha...
Read full storyStephen Fry Recovering In LA LA Land After Twitter Mauling
Renowned British actor, humorist, TV personality, and gay man's gay man, who once portrayed legendary Irish wit Oscar Wilde, and who almost single handedly made Twitter popular with his humorous meanderings on many blogs was today recovering in Los A...
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