A distressed Colleen Shop-A-Lot, aka Mrs Rooney, gave birth completely alone today!
Out of sheer concern the Manchester General Hospital urgently rang around to locate the whereabouts of the alleged father. After extensive searching, the hospital tracked down Wayne-ker Rooney who was busy training at Manchester Shitted's training park.
"Wott baby? Whose Baby? err...Wot....Father...wot..." exclaimed a completely thick and totally unaware Rooney - as the hospital delivered broke news.
Alex Ferga-Twat's favourite rent boy was seemingly completely oblivious to the fact that he'd become a father. He's spent the recent months thinking Colleen was simply one of his many bum wipers or his nanny however, had absolutely no clue she was his actually his wife let alone up the duff to him!
That aside, under the complete guidance of some people involved with Sadchester United who had some semblance of intelligence (which is obviously complete fiction), the petrified Rooney was thrown into a taxi and sent to Manchester General.
Unfortunately, there was an Arsenal fan, a scouser and a Chinese man waiting nervously in the maternity ward.
Finally, a doctor emerged (he'd been busy vaccinating many people with Gordon Brown's population control...sorry swine flu remedy).
"Look fellas' there has been a frightful mix up with the Babies" said Doctor MadPrick. "Each of you go in, choose a baby that you think is yours, come out and we'll review the situation".
Rooney, thick idiot, was still too stunned trying to work out who the fuck Colleen was and why he'd been called a father. After all, he's been brainwashed by Sir Alex Ferguson, man lover, into thinking into thinking babies come on stalks not women (women are there to cook n clean.)
However, The Arsenal fan rushes in and comes out with a baby. The doctor immediately spots a problem!
He approaches the Arsenal fan and says, "Come on lad, you know that's the Chinese baby!"
The Gooner replied "Look I know that, but there is an horrifically small, ugly, shrivelled Onion looking thing with an indecipherable scouse accent in there. So fuck that I ain't taking no chances!"
In a bizarre twist of fate, Colleen connected her left brain with right. In a moment of stunning reaslisation, as she put down her latest argos catalogue (to see how the other half live) she, quickly recovered from the ordeal, got dressed and did a runner.
"Look, there is no way i'm spending my life raising a thick vegetable. It's been bad enough spending time with Wayne-Ker. I can't stand Manchester United, I've gotten all the clothes I need now. Besides the shops is betterer in laarrndon. I'm shacking up with the Gooner man."
More as Rooney gets it from Fergie.